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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely fuming with my fiance

40 replies

spongebob111 · 22/06/2019 23:13

Im fuming!

Ive been feeling so low recently, lower than low. Im the sort of person that bottles things up and really cannot find the words to talk about how im feeling... Weve sat and had a few drinks to relax and i felt ok to talk. He managed to get me talking and guess what? He fell asleep! Immediately. I said are you asleep. He sat up and said no just thinking carry on... indid for a moment and said no youre asleep.

Now he wants me to talk and hes all wide awake!! I dont want to talk! That was the chance, thats when it felt natural and easier.... now i just hate him!! I dont have no parents or anybody to talk to apart from him. Ive just had a baby four weeks ago and cant help but feel hes a utter prick and now bothered about his feelings... hes damanding i tell him because he was tired. I get that but i done it and now feel rejected and just awful. Would others feel the same given they arent in a good place right now?

OP posts:

Joopy · 22/06/2019 23:18

I think you both need to sleep and have a chat in the morning, it'll seem better after you have slept

Cheby · 22/06/2019 23:18

Ok, so you’ve just had a baby. So you can have quite a bit of leeway here. But you’re both knackered, presumably? Surely if anyone can be excused for nodding off during an important conversation, it’s someone with a 4 week old baby who has just had a drink to relax?!

Cut yourself and him some slack. Be kind to each other. Get some sleep. Wake up and talk to him tomorrow. Stop being so stubborn about talking to people, you’re not helping yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2019 23:21

I know you're exhausted and recovering from childbirth, but I think you are massively overreacting. He fell asleep probably because he's exhausted too. You're both going through massive changes, and your hormones are all over the place. A huge deep breath and mutual understanding is needed.

Cheby · 22/06/2019 23:21

Also, you said you were feeling very low. Irrational feelings of anger can also be a symptom of postnatal depression.

As well as talking to your fiancé, please have a chat with your midwife or health visitor on Monday morning. I have been there so I know how desperate it can feel, but it can improve immeasurably if you get help. Good luck OP.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/06/2019 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

positivity123 · 22/06/2019 23:24

You sound like you are having a tough time but I think you are overreacting. It sounds as though you carved out a bit of time together to have a few drinks but it's gone a bit wrong. Go to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 22/06/2019 23:42

You both need sleep, and you need to talk to your health visitor or GP.

Singlenotsingle · 22/06/2019 23:45

It's your hormones playing up. You'll feel better in the morning.

VivienneHolt · 22/06/2019 23:47

You’ve just had a baby which means you’re sleep deprived and feelings are all over the place. See how you are in the morning.

I think there are reasons why you feel this way and I am not piling on, but it really isn’t fair to say that was his ‘one chance’ for you to talk about how you feel. He wasn’t deliberately cruel or thoughtless. He’s knackered and had had a few drinks, that’s all. Don’t treat this like a test he’s failed, because that’s not how relationships should work and you owe it to him and to yourself to work through your issues together with patience and generosity.

Get some sleep, and try again when you feel better

Original poster

spongebob111 · 22/06/2019 23:50

Wow @StillCoughingandLaughing crikey thanks! Grow up? Im a mother of four... no jeed to be so sharp really...

OP posts:

Original poster

spongebob111 · 22/06/2019 23:54

Of course. Im not stubborn at all... i just bottle up how i feel deep within, not act stubborn. Ive been through a lot and only ever spoke to him about things. Im justnso cross with him due due problems from my pregnancy and labour. He spent my labour napping!! No back rubs, no supportive words or anything. Held my hand when i was ready to push and thats it. I guess theres a lot more to this. Maybe i shouldnt of posted to here because some of the comments make me feel just as shit

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/06/2019 00:14

It must be upsetting and frustrating but I agree with others who have said, get some sleep and revisit this tomorrow

HeddaGarbled · 23/06/2019 00:19

If you want a heavy talk, it needs to be when you are both in the right place. You’re “not now”, “not now”, “not now”, then suddenly “now” and expecting him to be ready in that instant. Not fair.

SandyY2K · 23/06/2019 00:24

He spent my labour napping

You should have said this earlier...I would have been very annoying if my DH fell asleep during my hours of painful labour.

You do sound stressed...you said he's the only one you talk to.

I dont have no parents or anybody to talk to apart from him

That's quite some pressure for him and I don't think its healthy to only have one outlet.
If you depend on him and only him for emotional support, it can be difficult for him too.

You admit that you bottle things up... thats something he has to live with being with you.

I don't think he fell asleep deliberately... alcohol can make you sleepy.

PickAChew · 23/06/2019 00:26

You need to talk to him when he's awake enough for you to have some firm words

Millie2008 · 23/06/2019 00:39

I really feel for you OP. You’ve just had a baby and have 3 other children to look after. I remember being SO emotional 4 weeks after birth. I would also have felt really hurt by this at that time. But maybe you’re both exhausted (understandably) - and that’s why he fell asleep? Is he normally good at listening to you and supporting you? It doesn’t sound like he was great during your labour, so maybe you’re carrying a bit of resentment about that and that’s exacerbating how your feeling about him falling asleep? It’s definitely important that you find some time to talk properly to him about all of this, but try and get some sleep for now. really hope you’re ok; such a hard time that newborn stage x

BackforGood · 23/06/2019 01:02

Have to agree with you (in that AIBU probably isn't the best place to have asked this)

........and everyone else in their responses. HeddaGarbled has it spot on. If you have a 4 week old baby and 3 older children, I imagine you are both exhausted. Don't create 'tests' for each other at this or any other time.

Rachie1973 · 23/06/2019 01:18

Seems a bit emotionally blackmaily to play the ‘no no no no now’ game to be honest.

Accept you’re tired etc with your commitments but to ‘hate’ the dad of your 4 kids for being tired too seems a massive over reaction.

IsabellaLinton · 23/06/2019 05:35

Cut him some slack. He can’t help being tired. You’re overreacting.

YouJustDoYou · 23/06/2019 05:54

You've got a 4 WEEK old baby, I'm utterly unsurprised he fell asleep. At that newborn age I once fell asleep mod conversarion too without meaning too, one second I blinked the next I was asleep. Cut him some slack, and get some sleep yourself. If it's so hard to talk, write him a letter/text etc.

Wereeaglesdare · 23/06/2019 06:19

Once again judgemental bastards on here. You just had a baby and your feeling low could you speak to your health visitor OP. Thats a big part of their job to support you. Also as a breastfeeding mum who used to watch her DP have a nice solid eight hour sleep while she was up changing nappies and giving feeds without someone to share the load. I can honestly sympathise with you I wanted to smother him with his pillow sometimes.

It feels insensitive, you feel isolated and vulnerable and trapped and he is free to fall asleep. I get it 100 per cent. Get yourself to some baby massage or playgroups, just to talk to other mums and know that your not alone in your thinking, get talking to your health visitor. Please don't sit in and feel like this you deserve to talk and be listened to.

Also your all shit at mental health awareness telling OP to grow up. Oh yes cos you grow out of depression don't you. Bloody idiots.

idontknowwhattosay · 23/06/2019 06:29

You must both be shattered, but its a bit unfair if conversations can only be had on your terms. Also you said you bottle everything up, he is your only outlet and he 'managed' to get you talking..it seems like this approach to talking is very much on your terms and controls all aspects of it, that cant br healthy for you or easy for him.
Do you have any support from friends? Could you chat to your HV?

user1483387154 · 23/06/2019 06:32

you are being totally unfair to him in this instance.

Divgirl2 · 23/06/2019 07:22

You're hugely overreacting and I think it would be worth speaking to your HV about how you feel. You've said you feel low, this level of anger over such small things can also be indicative of a bigger issue.

My DH napped in a chair for a few hours during my labour. I told him to because it was the middle of the night! No need for us both to be knackered and it's not like there was anything he could do. I didn't hate him for it then, I don't hate him for it now. I woke him up for the baby catching part.

Original poster

spongebob111 · 23/06/2019 08:17

@Wereeaglesdare thank you for your human/ down to earth reply. I really regret posting on here now. I was looking for a vent whilst i was upset and cross and i guess i didnt get what i was looking for.

Divgirl2 we have 4 children and hes been wonderful all previous labours. It was in the daytime after a night of sleep. He napped ALL day because he was bored... he tried out every seat, the bed, and thats all he was interested in. It felt lonely. His mum even had some string words for him as she was sick of calling for news and hearing he was asleep. I sent him home when my son was born so he could g to bed and wouldnt have to sleep at night in the chair... we have a policy where plus 1 can sleep to helo mum, but i thought of him sleeping in that rotten chair and he couldnt of helped much as im breastfeeding...

And for others who must think its some sort of control thing youre totally wrong! I am not a talker when it comes to me. I smile and i am ok... you must all love talking about how you feel and be good at it and thats ok... just like its ok to no be able to pour your heart out.

In my post i have overreacted. But whats good is i said "i hate him" here and not to him. I love him with all of my heart. We have an amazing connection. Hes a wonderful partner and farther. Im such a rotten person i helped him through a terrible drug addiction when he saw no light atbthe end of the tunnel.

He got me talking and i managedvto start and then he was asleep. Im only human to be hurt by it. Also i mentioned hes the only person i have to talk to, yes thats correct. Whys it a big pressure? He is soon to be my husband and im not a debbie downer. Im a personal person who doesnt like talking my buisness plus people around me all seem to want to match or outdo anything i say. I want happy conversations with people anyway.

The grow up remark really was hurtful. Im not in a very good place right now but im writing a letter to my partnervtoday and i will more forward to sorting myself out properly monday morning. If youre ever offering advice to a postnatal lady please consider her feelings. Im a bit strongervthan i was yesterday so im hoping for a better day.

@Wereeaglesdare thank you so much for your message, a bit of what i was looking for and it has helped me feel more notmal about my rraction rather than me beingva childish, horrible bitch. Thank you. Have a nice day

OP posts:

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