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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want friends to say yes or no to a night out?

31 replies

GerryDarling · 22/06/2019 22:36

I volunteer at our local indie music venue. It's good fun and I get to see bands for free. In return I have to take tickets at the door for about 20 mins at the beginning and also help out at the bar in the interval.

I can also bring a friend along to see any band, again for free. I sign up for shifts about a month in advance and I can pick which bands I want to see. I usually then message one of a pool of friends to see if they would like to come along for the night. I try to pick a band they would be interested in as they all like different genres. I also make it clear there's no pressure to say yes, but that it would be nice to see them.

About 2 times out of 3 the friend will say they'll think about it and let me know. And then quite often they don't get back to me, or say a day or two beforehand that they can't make it, and I end up going on my own. AIBU to wish they would say yes or no fairly soon after being asked so that I can then ask someone else?

I don't mind going on my own if necessary, but I'd much rather have some company. I feel like they think "Oh well she's going anyway (to volunteer) so it doesn't matter if I turn up or not." But it does matter to me. If they don't like the sound of the band or don't want to spend the evening with me, can't they just politely decline when I first ask them?

It's about 3 different friends who are doing this and I wish I could put across to them that I would actually like an answer rather than waiting until the day to hear I'll be going on my own again.

OP posts:
WhiteLightTrainWreck · 22/06/2019 22:39

Could you follow up a week later to ask them if they want to come?

Out of curiosity, where are you? I bet there's plenty of mners that would happily come with you, myself included.

BadnessInTheFolds · 22/06/2019 22:41

That does sound annoying. Next time could you put it in your original invite:

"I've got a ticket for XXX next Thursday. Would you like to come? If not, let me know by the weekend as I have another friend who would be interested but I wanted to give you first refusal"

Malvinaa81 · 22/06/2019 22:47

I'm afraid this is exactly what people are like, so I wouldn't bother asking them- they don't really want to go anyway. Saying they'll think about it or get back to you is just them thinking it's more polite to do this than saying no.

Original poster
GerryDarling · 22/06/2019 22:47

Thanks so much for both those ideas. I've been worried about sounding like I'm hassling them, or sounding rude or irritated, so having a couple of standard things to say would really help. Also, it seems like people don't want to commit, but might say yes if they feel like it on the day? So I suppose I feel my chances of having someone come are better if I don't pester them.

The whole thing makes me feel quite sad and insecure, like nobody wants to spend time with me, even if they can do something for free!

WhiteLight what a lovely offer. I am so sorry but my first thought is I am a bit too shy to go with someone I don't know. I have mild social anxiety which is partly why it really helps me to have a friend there during the gig. The volunteers don't wear uniforms and I think people are going to be looking at me wondering why I am standing there on my own. If I can get over that shyness I will definitely think about asking MNers. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
GerryDarling · 22/06/2019 22:49

Malvina, ah, I see, thanks for that info. I was hoping this wasn't the case, as these people are some of my closest friends (well, my only close friends, really), but it's better to know if they don't want to spend time with me I guess. Thanks for posting honestly.

OP posts:
Taswama · 22/06/2019 22:50

It’s perfectly reasonable to want a definite yes or no. I would put a deadline in your message - eg can you let me know by next Tuesday if you’re interested.

Kerberos · 22/06/2019 22:57

Think of it more like it might not quite be their thing but they're trying not to hurt your feelings ny being crappy and vague. I know I've done it before in the past to avoid having awkward conversations but I'm working on it.

Hope you sort it out though. Maybe try having a quiet chat with one of them about whether it's the kind of thing they're into??

Silversky70 · 22/06/2019 22:57

Don't message them, ring them and have a chat. You'll probably be able to pick up on whether they're keen or not.

violetbunny · 22/06/2019 23:09

If they're not saying yes straight away, I'd take that to mean they're not that keen but too polite to say so. Sorry.

StinkyWizleteets · 22/06/2019 23:14

Maybe if you’re spending time volunteering during the periods where they’d most likely interact, they don’t want to stand about on their own?

tttigress · 22/06/2019 23:14

The thing is they don't want to go, so do the, I'll think about it, and then never get back to you thing.

Why not put the ball in their court, and ask for a sharpish reply "because you were thinking of inviting someone else, if they can't make it"

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 22/06/2019 23:16

Maybe they don't want to be on their own for twenty minutes before hand and for the whole interval. It wouldn't bother me, and I love a gig, so if a friend of mine made that offer I'd jump at it, but you see frequently on here people who wouldn't contemplate doing things on their own, even waiting for a friend to arrive in a cafe/bar etc . I think you're not giving yourself enough credit if you have social anxiety but you're volunteering and attending these gigs, there are a lot of people who wouldn't class themselves as anxious who wouldn't do it! I doubt very much if its anything to do with spending time with you.

Trills · 22/06/2019 23:17

There's nothing wrong with saying "I need a firm yes by X date or else I'm going to offer it to someone else".

If they take that badly, they're rubbish friends.

Original poster
GerryDarling · 22/06/2019 23:22

I completely understand they might not want to be on their own at the start or during the interval. They'd actually be fine standing at the door or the bar with me if they felt worried about that, but I get it could still be a problem. In that case I really wouldn't mind if they said no thanks up front. But at other times these friends have come along. So I guess they don't mind it that much?

If they're not saying yes straight away, I'd take that to mean they're not that keen but too polite to say so. Sorry.

I do usually assume that, but as they haven't actually said no, I don't feel I can invite someone else. What if they both said yes and I had to turn one of them down? That would be really awkward. It's frustrating, because them saying they'll let me know means I end up going alone.

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 22/06/2019 23:22

I wouldn't assume they don't want to spend time with you personally! They are probably either not that bothered about seeing the band, or too tired to go out (if busy job, young kids etc) or worried about being on their own while you volunteer.

I agree with the suggestions of asking them to let you know yes or no as there's someone else who may be interested.

Also, please don't feel embarrassed to go on your own! I think it's fine to go to gigs in your own - I do if none of my friends are bothered about the band!

milienhaus · 22/06/2019 23:23

I wouldn’t take it as they don’t want to spend time with you, just they don’t want to do that particular thing

Original poster
GerryDarling · 22/06/2019 23:25

I think you're not giving yourself enough credit if you have social anxiety but you're volunteering and attending these gigs, there are a lot of people who wouldn't class themselves as anxious who wouldn't do it!

Thanks so much for the encouragement. Having a job to do at the venue actually makes me feel less anxious than if I was just going as a punter! And combining it with seeing a friend makes the social part easier, because there's a specific activity involved rather than an open ended evening, where I can't always predict what's going to happen.

When it works out, it really works for me, but lately it isn't working out. I think I might not be great company, I probably need to accept that and not press these friends to go out.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 22/06/2019 23:39

I agree it’s a polite no thanks. But I don’t think it’s about spending time with you, I think it’s the gigs. A lot of people don’t like going to see bands they don’t know. I wouldn’t enjoy watching a loud band I hadn’t seen before where we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation, I’d be left alone on and off and then go home with my ears ringing.

Original poster
GerryDarling · 22/06/2019 23:41

Karwo, I understand, but these friends have sometimes said yes in the past. If they never said yes I wouldn't keep asking them. Also, if a friend asked you to do something you didn't fancy, wouldn't you say "No thanks, not my cup of tea, but shall we go for a drink/dance/meal/film?"

OP posts:
skybluee · 22/06/2019 23:52

a lot of people don't like bands they don't know. i wouldn't take it as anything personal.

there are definitely ways to put across to them that you need an answer before the day! if they say they need to think about it, then simply say great, can you let me know by Tuesday please. you don't even need to give a reason. it's perfectly reasonable.

or try asking them to do other things, eg meet for coffee, meet for a meal, meet for a drink in a bar - and see if they say the "think about it" thing to that.

Original poster
GerryDarling · 23/06/2019 16:38

Skybluee I wouldn't ask them if they hadn't come out in the past, so I presumed they didn't mind seeing bands they didn't know from time to time.

Thanks for your advice; it just happened again today with 5 hours to go until the event. I guess it might be best to stop asking.

OP posts:
Kyogre · 23/06/2019 16:47

I don’t think it means your friends don’t want to go and are trying to be polite. I think it means they probably want to go but can’t quite be arsed on the night. I wouldn’t read anymore into it than that.

I think I’d continue to ask them but speak to them a day or so in advance and see if they still want to come.

Don’t overthink this.

Karwomannghia · 24/06/2019 08:05

I think because you’re going to be there anyway, they see it more as an optional thing- they’re not letting you down because you’re there working, it’s different to if you’d bought tickets for the 2 of you to see something and they’d let you down last minute and left you going to a gig on your own.
I guess it’s like if you have a friend who works in a pub and they say come and see me there’s a special on. You’d see it as a more casual arrangement and not feel too bad if you couldn’t go as they’d be there anyway.

Beautiful3 · 24/06/2019 08:18

Just say if you want to see x then please let me know by x date, as I'll offer the ticket to someone else. That's what I would do.

Damntheman · 24/06/2019 08:22

I agree you should give them a few days to think about it and a clear deadline for a yes/no so that you can ask someone else. It's a pain though, I'd expect better of my friends to be honest!