AIBU to be devasted my son has left?

[normalme]

Almost 19, my youngest (of 2) DS, has been lying, manipulating and stealing things from me for the last few months.

He does the usual, treats us as hotel landlords, borrows money constantly despite paying low rent and having nearly double the disposable income.

It's got to the point I've told him to leave. And he's gone.

And this is the point I'm making. I'm devastated that he took the hard way. He just had to apologise and change his behaviour. But he's left with no job (although apparently he's got one now (30 hours if he's lucky). He has lots of friends and I know if anyone can make it he can.

I'm broken hearted. I'm in such a low mood and I have been since he left. I have depression anyway but this is bad. I know that I have done the right thing - my son needed a lesson. I am culpable though, I allowed his behaviour to escalate.

It has happened at a difficult time; we've just taken on an SEND DFS (16), and this has coincided with his arrival. This child needs me more (like a 12 year old). The 1st time I fostered, my eldest DS (21) left, but we didn't fall out and he's needing to come home now. He's been very ill and not able to work. Back at work but getting about 10-15 hours a week (contracted for 30).

I've also stuck my head out and applied for a promotion at work, commonly known amongst my peers. I've not heard anything and I feel sick and embarrassed. It's only a week but I'm so anxious about it. I was supposed to go to a festival with my DH today, but I came down with a horrendous sore throat 3 days ago and turned into a bloody cold. It can't get any worse can it?

When we give people ultimatums, we must do so with the understanding and acceptance that they may choose either way. It sounds, however, like you actively told him to leave - so it must be even less surprising that he did. If you can genuinely say you did everything to get to the root of his behaviour (e.g. feeling unsettled at the changes at home while he was at such a crucial point in life or anything else) - including lower level interventions, then with time you will feel better. Hopefully, he will grow from this experience. Ideally, you will too. Life always seems to happen all at once, and that's hit you quite hard. Do you have a good support network, is your partner supporting you? A therapist you trust to talk about your depression with, given this situation may be exacerbating it?

You’ve done the best thing by him. Sometimes they need to be let go to blossom!

He is an adult, and more than capable of making his own way in the world. He's proved that by the way he manipulates you! How would you have managed with a foster teen had your DS still been at home carrying on with his behaviour?
He's probably having the time of his life being independent. Let him get on with it.

I asked ds to leave a few years ago at 22.
Our relationship recovered. We have a brilliant one now. He didn't hold it against me. Don't beat yourself up op.

It will be fine. 19 is the perfect age to fly the nest...you will both flourish....even if he nose dives at first he will have to pick himself up again.

SEND DFS?

I have no idea what that means.

Your 18 yo is struggling yet you are fostering?
Makes no sense to me.
Surely you need to eget your own house in order.
Eighteen year olds do best with some light steerae and support. Mumsnet is full of women with much younger children, who think that because they wer all 18 once themselves they are experts.
It is a difficult world out there for young adults and parenting ideally does not stop when our children hit 18.

Aww OP, others will give you advice on the children but I felt so bad for you about the way you feel re your promotion. Please try not to feel like that. There's no shame in reaching up for something better. There's nothing I can say but just try to put that to one side in your mind, and good luck with it

I wonder how his post would read.

Poor kid is only 18, I too would like to hear his side of the story.

Yes oneforthepain. I wonder his post would read now and then what he would say in a few years when he's actually grown up?

SEND DFS = darling foster son with some kind of additional needs / disability.

That sounds really tough op. Just maybe it will be the making of him.

So, you've applied for a promotion at work, your 19 year old is struggling and you kicked him out and a the same time you've taken on a 15 year old foster child with additional needs?

You've got a lot on your plate. Sometimes it can be hard to make logical decisions when we're depressed. Are you sure that the choices you are making are the ones likely to lead to the best outcomes for you and the people you care about most?

Please don't beat yourself up, OP.

You're juggling rather too many eggs at the moment.

No wonder you're feeling awful.

Your son will come round and you'll be friends again. I did a similar thing with DD1 and DS1 and DH and I chucked them out.

Fast forward a disastrous first year and they eventually survived and got jobs and became responsible. And we have a great relationship now.

Your son will come round and you'll be friends again. I did a similar thing with DD1 and DS1 and DH and I chucked them out.

Hardly an ideal situation.

I made my son leave my house, he kept coming home pissed up putting toast under the grill and then falling asleep, I was frightened that he would set the house on fire. The last straw was when he came home drunk and vomited all over his bed and the carpet. I made him clean it all up and told him to sort out a flat, gave him two weeks notice. We have the most fabulous relationship now, he said I'd given him a much needed kick up the arse.

Thanks for the support. I came here to receive it.
My son would tell an entirely different story, I know because he said it to my face. Everything he was doing he said I did to him. I was so gobsmacked he believed his own story.
I have bought him up well, he's mature for his age. I have no doubt it will all be fine in the end. Our relationship will be better because it was pretty fantastic already and we love each other deeply.
But for now, I'm mourning for the desire to bless my child as he leaves, ready for the world. I'm so sad I feel I've failed.
My DFS is not official yet but I couldn't turn him away as his Mum had thrown him out. How ironic. He needs me more and DS will cope. I've asked him to come home to talk, I've asked him to stay, he's come and fed and showered himself. I asked him if he's staying and he said no, then he left the kitchen in an absolute tip. As per.
He'll learn quickly, I've no doubt.
My DS has suddenly turned on me and he knows damn well he's doing and he's even beating me with my own whip.
At the end of the day, if I was in a relationship with someone who treated me that way, you'd help me throw him out. It's very easy to judge but much more difficult to listen. I wish humankind would do more of that.

From your OP it sounds like his behaviour has coincided with you fostering - could he be feeling pushed out?

You have replaced your son with a foster child OP who you deem 'needs you' more than DS. That may well be the case but DS still needed you/needs you and tbh he should've been the priority.

The way you talk about dfs it sounds more like you have a bit of a saviour complex/narc tendancies hidden away there somewhere deep down.

Even your son leaving is seemingly all about you and your grief. What about him?

Your children seem to leave when you get foster placements - in your words you are prioritising the foster childs needs above those of your own children.

I thought foster parents had rigorous vetting and training, it doesn't seen healthy to put a child with a lot of problems/baggage with someone who has both MH problems and the inability to adequately parent her own children plus work related issues they cant cope with.

At the end of the day, if I was in a relationship with someone who treated me that way, you'd help me throw him out

But he isn't your partner he is your 18 year old son, feeling usurped out by a younger high needs stranger taking his place as your son

Can I ask how many bedrooms you have op?

As the parent of a just 19 year old ds, I feel for your ds I really do. Mn isn’t just about support simply because you ask for it.

At the end of the day, if I was in a relationship with someone who treated me that way, you'd help me throw him out. It's very easy to judge but much more difficult to listen. I wish humankind would do more of that.

Your child isn't your partner or husband. He's your child. The dynamic and relationship is always going to be different and obviously the expectations and behaviours are going to differ as a result. I don't expect my teen to respond and relate to me the way I expect DH to, and I wouldn't hold him to the same expectations I have of DH.

You want people to listen to you but have you listened to your DS?

It's a wonderful thing to foster. Truly. But not at the expense of your children.

I can believe your DS is a PITA and you are describing entitled teen behaviour. But the fact both your DS have been replaced with foster dc each time. Honestly thats quite odd and yes I would like to hear your DS side.

My Mother treated her own dc badly and everyone left home ASAP. She did however take in the occasional homeless person so she could feel great about herself and she certainly let everyone know she did this.

Your son will come round and you'll be friends again.

Maybe. But how do you know what path he will take? Where's he living? Is he homeless?