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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be devasted my son has left?

43 replies

normalme · 22/06/2019 18:04

Almost 19, my youngest (of 2) DS, has been lying, manipulating and stealing things from me for the last few months.

He does the usual, treats us as hotel landlords, borrows money constantly despite paying low rent and having nearly double the disposable income.

It's got to the point I've told him to leave. And he's gone.

And this is the point I'm making. I'm devastated that he took the hard way. He just had to apologise and change his behaviour. But he's left with no job (although apparently he's got one now (30 hours if he's lucky). He has lots of friends and I know if anyone can make it he can.

I'm broken hearted. I'm in such a low mood and I have been since he left. I have depression anyway but this is bad. I know that I have done the right thing - my son needed a lesson. I am culpable though, I allowed his behaviour to escalate.

It has happened at a difficult time; we've just taken on an SEND DFS (16), and this has coincided with his arrival. This child needs me more (like a 12 year old). The 1st time I fostered, my eldest DS (21) left, but we didn't fall out and he's needing to come home now. He's been very ill and not able to work. Back at work but getting about 10-15 hours a week (contracted for 30).

I've also stuck my head out and applied for a promotion at work, commonly known amongst my peers. I've not heard anything and I feel sick and embarrassed. It's only a week but I'm so anxious about it. I was supposed to go to a festival with my DH today, but I came down with a horrendous sore throat 3 days ago and turned into a bloody cold. It can't get any worse can it?

OP posts:
IsabellaLinton · 23/06/2019 09:52

Your sons have both left when you got foster placements, because you’re prioritising them over your own children. They ‘need you more’? Seriously? I can see why your kids left.

You shouldn’t be fostering. You should have your own house in order first.

saraclara · 23/06/2019 10:13

I'm stunned that you have put a foster child before your son. I have a horrible feeling that that decision will make an already bad situation very much worse. Your son would be entitled to feel totally usurped, and you have pretty much given him license not to look to himself for fault, but to you.

crimsonlake · 23/06/2019 10:50

I cannot fathom this out.
You already have enough on your plate and were struggling with your 18 year old. Instead of trying to resolve things you decide to help a foster child? Do not mean to offend but I think you have gotten your priorities wrong here. You need to get your own house in order first surely?

Original poster
normalme · 23/06/2019 11:46

There's no defence under this onslaught. I came here to feel better, perhaps get some Mum support. None of you know the situation and sometimes life just jumps up and bites you on the ass when you least expect it. I'm tired. I'm down. I've made decisions which I stick by. I sincerely hope you don't go through something similar because it's awful.

OP posts:
WestBerlin · 23/06/2019 11:53

But are you sticking by them to the detriment of your son? You seem to be on a well of self pity, refusing to acknowledge the situation could very well be of your own making.

I really would be interested in hearing the son’s side of this. Fostering is all well and good but not at the expense of your own children.

WestBerlin · 23/06/2019 11:53

and no, there’s no guarantee that you will recover your relationship with your son.

IsabellaLinton · 23/06/2019 12:31

I came here to feel better, perhaps get some Mum support.

People aren’t obligated to agree with you and tell you you’ve made good decisions.

I've made decisions which I stick by

What’s the problem then, if you’re so sure you’ve done right by your own sons? Confused

I sincerely hope you don't go through something similar because it's awful.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you’ve made decisions you stick by, and this is the result, why are you so self-pitying? My sympathy is reserved for your sons whose mother should have prioritised them.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/06/2019 14:07

Our relationship will be better because it was pretty fantastic already and we love each other deeply

Except that, you know, you just kicked him out to take on a foster child, just as you did with your eldest. And yet you seem to want unqualified support.

Teddybear45 · 23/06/2019 14:14

Sounds like you lost both kids because you are in over your head with the fostering. Don’t foster at the expense of your own kids; you will regret it.

Hithere12 · 23/06/2019 14:17

This has to be a parody. You’re throwing your own son out over minor things - you went from “stealing” to borrowing money, and now you’re taking in someone else’s kid

Everything he was doing he said I did to him. I was so gobsmacked he believed his own story

No parent ever thinks they’re in the wrong. This is my experience. He might have a point.

I have bought him up well, he's mature for his age

You’ve said yourself he’s mature, has loads of friends. Meanwhile you sound like a bit of a wreck/nightmare. You’re “humiliated” because you haven’t heard back from a job? How old are you?! This kid probably had to grow up fast.

Poor kid is only 18, I too would like to hear his side of the story

Same.

Hithere12 · 23/06/2019 14:20

Your son will come round and you'll be friends again. I did a similar thing with DD1 and DS1 and DH and I chucked them out

Can we get a parent of the year award 🥇 for this fine parent?

Honestly if you can’t love your kids unconditionally then don’t have them.

Woody68 · 23/06/2019 14:24

So there is your and your dh, your elder son needing to come back home because he is sick, and this Foster son. Do you have 4 bedrooms or were you relying on younger son moving out/sharing to make room?

HennyPennyHorror · 23/06/2019 14:25

All you've described about your son is that he borrows money from you. Nothing else. Not that he's abusive or anything.

You told him to leave for asking to borrow money??

Durgasarrow · 23/06/2019 14:26

I was completely on your side until you started bringing foster children into the picture.

Durgasarrow · 23/06/2019 14:30

It sounds as if your child is trying to get your attention, but you are much more interested in proving that if he won't act the way you want, then you'll find "better'" children--children who need you more, who are more needy, more grateful, who think you are wonderful. Not children who are critical of your behavior. That seems to be the price of your love.

Alsohuman · 23/06/2019 14:33

Tough love is tough on everyone. You’ve done absolutely the right thing and he’ll thank you for it one day. It’s rubbish, isn’t it? I entirely understand how you feel. 💐

Hithere12 · 23/06/2019 14:42

you'll find "better'" children--children who need you more, who are more needy, more grateful, who think you are wonderful

This. I feel bad for her bio kids. Stop “replacing” your children every time their is a problem OP.

PregnantSea · 23/06/2019 23:02

This is really sad. I hope your son is ok. He'll have to grow up very fast.

Please think about the impact that your fostering has on the children that you already have. This kind of damage cannot be undone, and it seems pretty ghoulish to kick out a foster child just because you made a mistake. I'm afraid to say that you've made a big mess here OP.

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