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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil bad mouthing me to my own mum!!

37 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 22/06/2019 17:31

Hi all, proably be a long one.

Over the years mil has proved how awkward and spiteful she can be but for the sake of the children I rise above it. I’ve learnt it’s just the way she is and I cannot change that. But I do need to learn to stand up for myself as have let her talk to me like c**p over the years. Both DC love her and the most important thing.

For a while I’ve thought that mil has an issue with me but Oh shrugged it off saying I’m being paranoid. But this week I have found that she has blocked me from seeing her posts on Facebook. I just assumed that she hadn’t logged on in a while...

My own mum and her aren’t close, actually the complete opposite but they remain civil and proably only see each other once in a blue moon. They bumped into each other this week...

My mum engaged in some friendly chit chat with her. But apparently according to DM all she did was moan about me. How I’m awkward I am because I say she can’t turn up unexpected (a simple text to say she is popping over would be appreciated). She’s often turned up at bed times. Even when they’ve been asleep and woke them. How I don’t go out enough, how I don’t work (SAHM whilst OH works), how I expect Oh to do much (he is a hands on parent and enjoys it) how I’m always saying I’m tired but I shouldn’t be tired because I don’t work, I don’t let her have DD as I keep DD to myself which is complete rubbish as she’s never even offered to have her and is always complaining she has no time to do things because she’s working. How misbehaved DS is (he has autism but she doesn’t believe in autism). DM was gobsmacked but remained cool and told me today. She also commented on the fact our 8yo DS often sleeps in our bed. Anything for sleep right now. So who is she to comment??

Now I’m not the confrontational type so I don’t feel like approaching mil for a row because that’s not me but this really needs to be addressed.

I’ve been trying to talk about it to OH but he is saying I’m making something out of nothing! He said she’s just concerned. But I’m not sure what concerns there are. I’m doing the best job I can raising two children both with additional needs with minimal help from anyone apart from my OH. I’m up at 5.30am every day usually after a rubbish nights sleep as DS isn’t the best sleeper and on the go until 10-11pm.

I just can’t think of what I’ve done lately. I’m always nice to her, involve her in things as much as we can, encourage Oh to visit her. So why am I so bad?

OH won’t say anything. Aibu to think he should stick up for me??

I think he’s scared of her himself! He hasn’t told her a few things that he knows she will kick off!

Please tell me that I’m not over reacting??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2019 17:35

Of course you aren't overreacting and I would confront her myself. She wouldn't be seeing hide nor hair of me again. I simply will not tolerate people like her, MIL or not.

Winchestermom35 · 22/06/2019 17:39

Of course you’re not overreacting. What a cow.
It’s your dh id be having words with as well. He needs to stick up for you. & for his son. “Doesn’t believe in autism”. I appreciate some of it is generational as they “didn’t have it in their day” but seriously. Any relative that said that to me would be in for it.
Odd how she’s complained about you to your own mum though. Id wonder if she’s trying to start an argument. It’s not like she can say she didn’t think it would get back to you....

Xyzzzzz · 22/06/2019 17:40

Your OH should definitely stick up for you. She sounds horrible and very selfish.

Jemima232 · 22/06/2019 17:42

What did your DM say to her?

Original poster
Shootingstar1115 · 22/06/2019 17:44

I think she feels like we are closer to my mum and she has the children which isn’t the case at all. Nobody has the children other than me and Oh and my ex (DS is with a previous relationship but Oh treats him the same as DD). We don’t see my mum or her very often atm but we all have busy lives to run!!

I feel like it’s stemmed from jealousy. She didn’t have a great relationship with OH’s dad or his stepdad. OH is happy for me be a SAHM (youngest is only just 4) but she always had to work. OH is a fantastic partner and dad in most ways but she never had that.

She’s also making remarks about my home. I’m house proud and she also comes over saying oh well you have time, my house is a tip because rest of us work. Yes I do have more time because I don’t work but is there a need for the not working comments all the time??

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 22/06/2019 17:45

She is a cheeky cow. I wouldn't bother confronting her, treat her like she treats you.
She sounds vile, I wouldn't bother being civil for the DC, she will be bad mouthing you to the DC in no time.

MidsomerBurgers · 22/06/2019 17:45

As the old MN saying goes, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He should really be standing up to her and backing you up.

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2019 17:46

Both DC love her and the most important thing.

No it's not. Not when she is so awful to their mother. What makes you think she won't say something to them?

And your husband is spineless.

Also, if my daughter's MiL had said those things to me, I wouldn't have remained quiet and I'd have spoken to my SiL rather than my daughter about it!

Original poster
Shootingstar1115 · 22/06/2019 17:46

It was in a shop so she didn’t really want to start a row or anything but she stuck up for me and reminded her that I do everything for DC with very time to myself!

I do think she’s like it with everyone. She’s fallen out with half her family, friends and neighbours.

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 22/06/2019 17:47

You need to talk to your mum and tell her if anyone talks like that about you to her, she needs to tell them to shut up as you aren't there to defend yourself.

In regards to your MIL when she tries to over step your boundaries react and stand up for yourself. If your OH isn't there and she turns up unexpectedly you don't have to let her in. Speak to her through the door and make up some excuse why she can't come in. Then walk away.

Missingstreetlife · 22/06/2019 17:54

You answered your own questions. Keep her at arms length

firawla · 22/06/2019 17:58

Just keep her at arms length, be civil but don’t make any effort with her - she obviously has no respect for you, so don’t go out of your way for her.
My mil used to do similar as well, phone my mum up to moan about me. It only resulted in my mum being fed up with her as well

sackrifice · 22/06/2019 18:04

I suspect she did that to your mum, as she does it to your partner and he hasn't passed the message on to you, but she knew your mum would.

I'd avoid her as much as possible, giver her something to moan about.

Cordyline1 · 22/06/2019 18:10

I'd delete her off fb altogether and see as little of her as possible. Your dh can take the kids to see her. He can leave them with her if they'd be happy with that if she's so keen to have them

wherethefucksyourmanners · 22/06/2019 19:04

As someone who was gaslighted by my MIL for many years on everything from using cloth nappies to breastfeeding abilities , saying things to other people which were then denied ( making me feel like the bad one or that I was going insane ) I totally feel your pain. It's hard never feeling good enough . Try and totally let it pass over you and
Wind her up as often as possible by discussing co sleeping etc . It was truly the only joy I ever had with mine - many years of trying to be liked had took its toll! Then when she starts getting it in the neck from MIL , you can say SHE's over reacting imagining thing etc. I know this probably sounds really awful but it was the only way I was able to repair my mental health from years of abuse and put downs Thanks so sorry when I read about another nightmare MIL . Such a shame as it could be a wonderful relationship xx

Bambamber · 22/06/2019 19:10

How does she know so much about your current sleeping arrangements and tiredness?

KC225 · 22/06/2019 19:30

How hurtful. I dont know if confrontibg her will be any good. In my experience it will be tears, denials and playing the victim.

The above poster above is right. Delete her completely from your Facebook and turn your settings to private. If she asks your DH why, he should make her aware you know about the conversation. Stop making an effort - where has it got you? If she is saying that to your DM imagine what she is saying to other people. Imagine what she will be saying infont of your children. Stop sharing things and telling her things, she has forfeited her right to be in the loop. Don't feel the need to encourage your DH to visit either, he is a grown man - he can arrange his own visits. No need to go NC but every need to back away as she has shown her true colours.

TheWernethWife · 22/06/2019 19:30

Keep her away from your children, who knows what poison she may drip in their ears. Go NC and tell your husband to grow up.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/06/2019 19:43

Both DC love her and the most important thing. Why do you think that, it's not the most important thing at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2019 20:04

She doesn’t sound like a happy or pleasant person. Don’t let her have unsupervised contact with your dcs.

SandyY2K · 22/06/2019 20:16

Delete and block her on FB.

Don't bother con fronting her and keep your distance from her.

If your mum had moaned about him to his mum...would he be happy with that? She's a problem...but if your DH won't even call and tell her she was out of order...then that's very disappointing and he doesn't have your back where his DM is concerned.

Actually... I'd make it clear to DH that I didn't want to see MIL and certainly wouldn't be going to her house. I couldn't stop myself from saying something and it would probably end very badly...by the time I finished telling her to look on the mirror and ask why she'd fallen out with so many people.

What is he frightened of? Being cut off financially?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/06/2019 14:55

Your DH won't stand up for you so you need to stand up for yourself. This woman has been belittling you and undermining you, whilst you try to mend bridges. Its not going to work. Work out what you will and will not put up with anymore. Make a list if you have to and do not be afraid to say these things calmly, quietly and in public if necessary. If her behaviour is unacceptable. Tell her there and then. Calmly. "I dont like you making unkind comments about my house/parenting/lifestyle in front of my children in my own home. It's uncivil and disrespectful and I won't put up with it."

She's been betting that you won't. You have a nice DH, nice Mum etc.. its not the most important thing that the DC's love her if she does nothing to earn that affection by treating their mother with minimal courtesy and respect.
You don't have to be her friend, you don't have to drop your behaviour to her standards. You only have to be civil.
Don't give her lots of information about how you live your life if she uses it as ammunition.
She has abused your friendship and trust and that is her loss entirely since you offered her another path, but she did not choose to take it. If she wants to play a bigger part in your lives she has to earn it back by treating you with respect. Refuse to accept this lack of respect from her.. There is nothing anyone else can do about it if you make this stand in a calm, rational, no nonsense manner.
You cannot rely on DH to do this, you have to do it yourself. He's giving into her and making you give in to her because that is the path of least resistance. Make sure from now on that it is not.

SunniDay · 23/06/2019 16:10

Hi,
It is difficult but you need to try to accept what she is like and not try to be liked as whatever you do won't be right. I'm not suggesting you should be horrible to her just please yourself and do what's right for you and your family.

This may stem from her protectiveness of her little boy. I often joke/moan to my husband that I hear "oh poor hubby at work...." (while I have the kids) or "oh poor hubby having the kids...." (while I am at work). Doesn't matter what he's doing it's "poor hubby".

If you doubt yourself and get a job because you feel judged she will probably grumble because your partner has the kids alone or grumble about something else entirely but you won't suddenly get positive acknowledgement so don't make any decisions based on what will please her as nothing will when she has this mindset. I assume you don't care if she works or doesn't as it's none of your business - the same applies.

EKGEMS · 25/06/2019 02:20

You have a DH issue not a MIL issue

Skittlesandbeer · 25/06/2019 03:23

Confronting someone over hearsay comments is never a good idea, however much you trust the ‘reporter’. Use your new knowledge to take a couple of big, permanent steps back from your MIL.

Remain civil, but stop the extra efforts. Not out of spite or retaliation, but because she’s taking info on you and your habits and turning it into ammunition. Cut off the supply of information. She won’t be happy anyway, whatever you do, so you may as well save yourself some time and effort.

Confrontation just feeds this kind of drama llama. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

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