Mil bad mouthing me to my own mum!!

[Shootingstar1115]

Hi all, proably be a long one.

Over the years mil has proved how awkward and spiteful she can be but for the sake of the children I rise above it. I’ve learnt it’s just the way she is and I cannot change that. But I do need to learn to stand up for myself as have let her talk to me like c**p over the years. Both DC love her and the most important thing.

For a while I’ve thought that mil has an issue with me but Oh shrugged it off saying I’m being paranoid. But this week I have found that she has blocked me from seeing her posts on Facebook. I just assumed that she hadn’t logged on in a while...

My own mum and her aren’t close, actually the complete opposite but they remain civil and proably only see each other once in a blue moon. They bumped into each other this week...

My mum engaged in some friendly chit chat with her. But apparently according to DM all she did was moan about me. How I’m awkward I am because I say she can’t turn up unexpected (a simple text to say she is popping over would be appreciated). She’s often turned up at bed times. Even when they’ve been asleep and woke them. How I don’t go out enough, how I don’t work (SAHM whilst OH works), how I expect Oh to do much (he is a hands on parent and enjoys it) how I’m always saying I’m tired but I shouldn’t be tired because I don’t work, I don’t let her have DD as I keep DD to myself which is complete rubbish as she’s never even offered to have her and is always complaining she has no time to do things because she’s working. How misbehaved DS is (he has autism but she doesn’t believe in autism). DM was gobsmacked but remained cool and told me today. She also commented on the fact our 8yo DS often sleeps in our bed. Anything for sleep right now. So who is she to comment??

Now I’m not the confrontational type so I don’t feel like approaching mil for a row because that’s not me but this really needs to be addressed.

I’ve been trying to talk about it to OH but he is saying I’m making something out of nothing! He said she’s just concerned. But I’m not sure what concerns there are. I’m doing the best job I can raising two children both with additional needs with minimal help from anyone apart from my OH. I’m up at 5.30am every day usually after a rubbish nights sleep as DS isn’t the best sleeper and on the go until 10-11pm.

I just can’t think of what I’ve done lately. I’m always nice to her, involve her in things as much as we can, encourage Oh to visit her. So why am I so bad?

OH won’t say anything. Aibu to think he should stick up for me??

I think he’s scared of her himself! He hasn’t told her a few things that he knows she will kick off!

Please tell me that I’m not over reacting??

You're not overreacting at all. She sounds downright toxic and your husband needs to have your back here.

How very odd that she would say all that to your mum?

She sounds like a bit of a dickhead tbh. She's either doing it intentionally to get at you, or she actually thinks that your own mother would be sympathetic to her slagging you off. Either way, it is dickhead behaviour.

I wouldn't say much to her about it myself, I would get my DH to step in as it's his mum. It's really shitty of him to not have your back here. Unless there is a huge disconnect between what you said to him and how you have described things here, I find it very hard to believe that a reasonable person would think that what she said was ok. Sounds to me like he's burying his head in the sand and is pretending it sounds ok so that he doesn't have to stand up to mummy. I really hope he finds a backbone soon or it's going to make your life very difficult.

She bitches about you because you have a clean house? hahahahaha

Fuck her, she's a bitch. She sounds like my MIL. Block her from fb.

I'm just waiting for the showdown that I know is coming from my MIL so I can block and go NC.

You won't ever win with MIL so stop trying so hard to. Who cares what she thinks or says? Anyone that hears her and knows you, will see her as being unpleasant for unfairly criticising you. Those whose opinions matter won't mind and those who do mind, don't matter.

Next time she makes PA comments about your house/her working etc reply in kind "Gosh lucky you for being able to have a break from being full time 24hour carer to 2 young children including one with SEN. My friends who work say they go to work for a break from all the responsibility..."
"That's your opinion, (even if illinformed. 🙄😆), luckily the world is made up of lots of different people with different views.." (yada yada)
Or just eyeroll with a "criticising again MIL? Do you ever say anything nice about anyone? /How about you appreciate my kindness /fortitude/ excellent parenting for a change ? (& then walk out the room)"

I had a PA 'friend' like this (I work and have 3DC but it applies regardless your choices) I used to pause, raise my eyebrows and enquire "Do you ever have anything nice to say to others?" and then sigh. Caught her jellyfish sting comments every time, after a few years of getting fed up with the barbs. I kept the overly tolerant smile in my voice. Or "Mrs Cheerful again I see, are you having a bad day?" "Gosh anyone would think you were trying to put me down, but of course you can't have intended that... (Or you wouldn't get invited round again)..."

It only took about 2+ months of pulling PA "'friend' up for her to change her tune in my company. She became overly complimentary (which in itself was irritating, didn't believe her, but she knew her card was marked! People who think uncharitably like this, rarely change unless they get an epithany/or personality transplant)

Next time hopefully your DM will be prepared with a "That's unkind and untrue of you to say so" reply said quietly and firmly back.

You don't have to be confrontational & argue just shut the negativity down (I always walk away afterwards) but my most generic replies are to calmly name something for what it is

"That seems an unneccesrily unkind (/barbed) comment." ... "We really don't need your views on this, thankyou MIL"

Your MiL sounds absolutely vile. Slagging you off to your own Mum is bang out of order. You are clearly doing your best in trying circumstances. Being a SAHM doesn't require justification as a lifestyle choice but when your children have additional needs its particularly understandable.

You are well within your rights to stand up to her and I believe you should do so, but don't go out proactively seeking a confrontation. Instead, next time she does or says something rude or disrespectful to you or criticises you, I would respond directly to her "do you realise its actually very upsetting when you say things like that to me?"

Unfortunately- and I suspect this is true of your situation too - I have made my situation worse by constantly trying to appease her. I never stand up to her or challenge her and as such she either doesn't realise how bloody awful shes being or she does but just expects people to constantly tolerate her poor behaviour and make allowances for her. It sounds as if the same us true of your MiL to a degree, hence I would recommend politely challenging these incidents as and when they occur, and giving her the opportunity to improve, which is how I plan on dealing in future.

Good luck to you either way. Theres a hello of a lot of us on here with monsters in law so you will get a lot of sympathy on here. Hope it all works out okay for you.

My MiL is vile too so I know how you feel. Classic examples include nicking one of my photos and posting it on FB as if it was her own and then deleting my (nice!) comments from it as if somehow a photo I took of my husband and daughter is none of my business, telling me my daughter''s colic was my fault for giving her milk directly from the fridge (not true, and thanks for the sympathy and vote of confidence btw!), "liking" any remotely critical comments anyone puts on FB towards me, and phrasing questions in the negative to imply subtle criticism, for instance "isn't she walking yet?" instead of "is she walking?" She also complained about the food we had planned for our wedding so we had to get a separate meal for her.

You are never going to be able to please MIL, so stop trying. I have had similar issues to you and I have finally stood up for myself. MIL doesn't like it and she is no longer speaking to me - heaven. You say you don't like confrontation, but it seems like no-one has your back so you might have to start speaking up for yourself. Stop involving her in the things you do - if she's not prepared to make the effort, why should you? My MIL used to take advantage of the fact that I didn't stand up for myself: she did what she wanted and said what she wanted, knowing that she'd get away with it. And if I ever did try and confront her, she'd deny ever saying or doing the mean thing. Stop trying to MIL to like you: not going to happen - this is just how she is. My DH backs me all the way with my MIL, which is great. Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick, tbh. Can't believe he's letting his DM treat his wife this way. My life is so much calmer now I don't have MIL to deal with. Tell your DH you've had enough and from now on he has to deal with her - if she wants to see the DC, he takes them/deals with her, etc. Stand up for yourself because no-one else will.

If there are things DH won't tell her because he's afraid of her reaction, I would be very tempted to drop one of them into the conversation with her one day. Then when he complains tell him he's making something out of nothing.

(I don't know if I'd actually do it, but I'd certainly raise the possibility in discussion with 'D'H)

Your next FB status should read "Had a lovely visit with my mum but she was telling me all about a moaning Minnie she bumped into at the shops. Some people are sadly so negative all the time. Such a shame she had to put up with this behaviour". Leave it a few days for MIL to see it then unfriend her on FB.

You don't have a MIL problem ........