Step children and husband problem

[Rainbowsandglitterbullshit]

I've name changed for this post as it's potentially outing.

For background, DH and I are married, been together five years, I wasn't the OW. DH has two children from previous marriage, boy aged 19 and girl aged 17. The children (although I don't feel calling a 19 year old a child is exactly right) stay with us five overnights a fortnight in a rolling routine which includes EOW.

I admittedly don't have a brilliant relationship with the children but would never ever cause any deliberate harm or neglect to them. To manage this I usually make plans for their visits or DH will make plans to take them cinema/bowling, etc. It works ok. I could go into details, but for the purposes of this post its not really relevant. There are often occasions though where it's not practical for either me or them to have plans and we have dinner together. I will plan, cook, etc with zero help, support or thanks (this is one of the reasons for the disengagement). That's how it is and we live with it. Not ideal, but I think I have a good marriage and as late teens, the younger one may be off to Uni soon and older one may visit less. Please don't flame me for this, it's got to be a regular dynamic in blended families?

Recently, I've begun to notice that if I have a viewpoint which DH disagrees on we can agree to disagree. However, he's taken to voicing the lack of agreement with his children, who then obviously take his side. They then, and I hesitate to say this as it sounds silly, gang up on me with their disagreement of my point. An example, and it is just an example as it's happened several times, is an opinion of a workman we've had doing some jobs around our house. I think he's great, he's hardworking, turns up on time, does what we need him to and he's good value for money. DH, and now DSD and DSS disagree, they don't like him, think he's making up jobs and charging too much! I don't actually see what its got to do with DSD and DSS but they were very insistent. We're talking small minor jobs.

We've had years of DSS bitching about me to his dad, which I've generally ignored but this joined up bitching is really affecting me badly.

I do suffer from anxiety quite badly and I've asked DH to stop this but he doesn't agree its a problem and that they are all entitled to a view.

AIBU to think this way? Are they ganging up or is it my anxiety in overdrive?

The children have no right to an opinion in this case and your 'D'H is being a knob who clearly can't cope with disagreements if he doesn't have backup.

You need to talk

Decisions in a marriage are not made by committee. Calmly remind him of this every single time and refuse to engage further.

Your husband has fostered this dynamic. He wants it and enjoys it. You've told him you don't like it, he wont stop. What does this tell you?

You have a husband problem.

Do you know why his first marriage ended? I wonder if that dynamic - in him - never changed and is now becoming apparent in your own marriage. I wonder if the step children learned this behaviour from how their own mother was treated.

Big chat needed. You’re already not thrilled with them and them hanging up on you is guaranteed to make you feel isolated within your own house. That he doesn’t see it as an issue is a huge problem, IMO.

I think it really depends, say your handyman just charged £150 to put up a shelf, I can see how this can become a wider topic of conversation as they are there often. 'oh you've got a new shelf DF', 'yes son £150, I think it's a rip off' 'Christ that's s lot of money for a shelf dad' 'i think so son but OP thinks he's excellent value for money!'

Totally agree with pps. Children do not have a say in who does work around the house. They may have a say in choices such as fabric, colour etc.

You do have a DH problem.

You sound very timid and apologetic in your op, Rainbow. This is not a criticism, but I wonder if over the years this dynamic with step kids has ground you down so you feel unsure about voicing your opinions.

Your dh is being unsupportive. You need to tell him not to include his dc in these discussions wrt handyman.

There is an element of ganging up going on here, and it will get worse. Your anxiety would most likely improve without this disrespectful man and his ungrateful dc in your life.

Thanks everyone. The comment about how their mother was treated is very valid. DSS is not very complimentary about his mum when in our company, echoing many of DH's comments about her. I can't say as I don't know what went on and only have their version, but I have to say on hindsight some of it does seem a bit unfair.

The handyman example is just an example, he charges about £15 an hour to fix small issues, pressure washing patio, clearing gutters in autumn, putting up a shelf. So not extreme.

I dunno... I mean they are entitled to an opinion, they're not small kids and they stay in the house a lot. And teens have BIG opinions.

It also may be that the workman is suddenly finding essential jobs that need doing and they think you're being a soft touch. You can be on time and reliable and polite and still take someone for a soft touch. In fact, being those things make it easier!

That said, if you're feeling ganged up on, say so. In front of the kids. Like I said, they are not small and if they are hurting someones feelings then why hide that?

Sounds like he doesn’t want to upset his kids so they all side with each other against you.
Depends on which jobs and how much he’s charging you but I just wouldn’t engage with this one.

Tbh I wouldn't pay for any of that if I had able bodied people in the house, those are small jobs that anyone could do.

But if they object to him charging for any of those jobs then a response could be "either he does it or you do. But it needs to be done by the end of the month and if you aren't willing then you leave me no choice but to pay someone who will"

Say you agree with them so dh puts the shelf up dss jetwashes the patio and dsd can do the gutters

The handyman bit isn't the AIBU? I'm not worried about that, DH works long hours, I work too. It was just an example of their behaviour.

They are siding up, thats my issue. AIBU to be upset about that or is it just anxiety rearing its ugly head?

The comment about how their mother was treated is very valid. DSS is not very complimentary about his mum when in our company, echoing many of DH's comments about her.

I'm afraid I think this is the answer, OP.
I would hazard a guess that DSS plays up his comments about his own mother in order to curry favour with his father. It's very sad. Don't let it be your future, too.

Are they personal about you?

Not personal in an attacking kind of way, but DSS can jokingly make comment about me being short, etc.

I think you're right about DSS @picsinred.

There are often occasions though where it's not practical for either me or them to have plans and we have dinner together. I will plan, cook, etc with zero help, support or thanks (this is one of the reasons for the disengagement)
Why are you passively putting up with this crap?
On occasions like this i'd tell DH HE was on dinner duty and then go put my feet up - or order/cook only for myself.

They're all disrespecting and taking the piss out of you and you're not standing up for yourself.
They're old enough now to be told straight "it's not your money that's being spent so XYZ is none of your business"
I'd actually start arguing back with them - and i'd be pretty blunt in telling them exactly what i thought of them and their lack of manners.

Your DH is a dick to allow this to happen to you in your own home - and he's an even bigger dick for joining in on it.
Why do you stay with him?
Are you happy being treated like shit?

No not happy with it at all but if I raise any objections I'm told I'm the one being unreasonable. If I was to argue back, it would literally turn into a full blown argument, but those three agreeing against me. DSD less so than DSS.

I've tried standing up for myself and not doing it, but it's somehow turned against me that I'm causing problems. That's why I distance myself from it now (mostly). On the rare occasion we do have dinner together it reminds me of why we don't.

Genuinely, apart from the problems I've spoken about here, DH and I get on. We have lovely times away from the children. I know its frowned upon on here, but I'm not biologically related to these children, I chose a marriage with a man who has children, but honestly if I'd known how difficult that would be, I'd have run a mile.

You still have a DH problem.

He has no respect for you and he's sharing that with his children.

I would not plan and cook nice meals for ungrateful people

I'd be going to the pub with my own friends, and leave them to it

Between 4 adults, why is the onus on you?

And why do you accept it?

They won't like you or respect you more for your efforts, so why do it

If the examples are similar to this, I'd have thought they would be fairly easy to shut down

Oh yes DSS, what did you pay for the last handyman you employed? No problem DH, can you please sort out the rehanging of kitchen cupboards etc through your better handyman

However I dont think it's right that they are ganging up on you. Your husband and they are entitled to their opinion but their opinion doesnt seem to be their opinion, it's their dads opinion. And it's not relevant in the scenario you gave.

Ultimately he should not be going to them and telling them when he disagrees with you. Woukd he be happy if you called your mum and she told him he was wrong any time there was a disagreement??

Also why isn't he doing his share of cooking for his own kids?

I think it sounds slightly odd, planning cinema and bowling trips with teens this age, don't they have mates to go out with?

Let your DH order a takeaway when they come over. Don't fall into this 'martyr' role.

Your DH sounds like a bully and he’s getting the children on his side, they may not want to go against his ideas

He sounds like he is bonding with his DC at your expense. It also sounds like two blokes keeping you firmly in your place. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got upset that you would be told you are “too sensitive”.

It’s like a gang in a school playground