Step children and husband problem

[Rainbowsandglitterbullshit]

I've name changed for this post as it's potentially outing.

For background, DH and I are married, been together five years, I wasn't the OW. DH has two children from previous marriage, boy aged 19 and girl aged 17. The children (although I don't feel calling a 19 year old a child is exactly right) stay with us five overnights a fortnight in a rolling routine which includes EOW.

I admittedly don't have a brilliant relationship with the children but would never ever cause any deliberate harm or neglect to them. To manage this I usually make plans for their visits or DH will make plans to take them cinema/bowling, etc. It works ok. I could go into details, but for the purposes of this post its not really relevant. There are often occasions though where it's not practical for either me or them to have plans and we have dinner together. I will plan, cook, etc with zero help, support or thanks (this is one of the reasons for the disengagement). That's how it is and we live with it. Not ideal, but I think I have a good marriage and as late teens, the younger one may be off to Uni soon and older one may visit less. Please don't flame me for this, it's got to be a regular dynamic in blended families?

Recently, I've begun to notice that if I have a viewpoint which DH disagrees on we can agree to disagree. However, he's taken to voicing the lack of agreement with his children, who then obviously take his side. They then, and I hesitate to say this as it sounds silly, gang up on me with their disagreement of my point. An example, and it is just an example as it's happened several times, is an opinion of a workman we've had doing some jobs around our house. I think he's great, he's hardworking, turns up on time, does what we need him to and he's good value for money. DH, and now DSD and DSS disagree, they don't like him, think he's making up jobs and charging too much! I don't actually see what its got to do with DSD and DSS but they were very insistent. We're talking small minor jobs.

We've had years of DSS bitching about me to his dad, which I've generally ignored but this joined up bitching is really affecting me badly.

I do suffer from anxiety quite badly and I've asked DH to stop this but he doesn't agree its a problem and that they are all entitled to a view.

AIBU to think this way? Are they ganging up or is it my anxiety in overdrive?

I would mind the siding together even if they were my own children and would go ballistic with my husband if he was siding with them.

Obviously, being the step mum you are restricted as on what you can do to sort this without being seen as a stepmother witch but... simple things like not doing the laundry, not cooking dinner and head off to spend some me time on your own or with friends, will certainly help to balance the situation. Just make sure your DH knows why the servant is rebelling.

Don't cook. Don't have 'dinner'. They're adults. They can fend for themselves. You're not their mother but equally they are not your guests so stop treating them like it. Find your voice and use it.

This can be a normal family dynamic when the family is used to 'banter' but when the children are not yours the barrier isn't there that would normally be where you tell them to essentially put up or shut up, in whatever way, like it would be in a different family dynamic.

When the step children aren’t there I would tell DH that you are fed up with being treated so disrespectfully by him and things need to change so what does he suggest. If he says you are being too sensitive or it’s ‘just banter’ explain that he is setting a terrible example to his children. What would he say if one of the DC was upset because they felt ganged up on by their partner and family?

I suspect this man is showing you who he really is and it may not get any better. His ex is probably delighted to be divorced from him!

I can understand why the ganging up annoys you, tell your husband to stop being so childish.
It is clear though, that you don’t like his children and resent them, they obviously know this and are gaining back some small power. I feel sorry for your stepson, trying to gain some favour with his father by running down his own mother. This doesn’t sound like happy family life . Your step daughter must be doing A levels soon, hard to have a Dad who used to run her mother down and is now making little digs at his new wife. I feel really sorry for his children, they didn’t choose this.

Misogyny is taught.
Your dss has been taught by his dad to criticise women whilst having them do everything for him.
I'd fuck off for that alone.

I chose a marriage with a man who has children, but honestly if I'd known how difficult that would be, I'd have run a mile.

Sorry, it's definitely a DH problem. How would your life be without him, can you support yourself ?

And , yes, cooking dinner for his DC is definitely his job.

@IhaveALooBrush
Exactly what I came to say, DSS is being taught to demean women, your DH allows him to make derogatory remarks to you?
I’d make sure I wasn’t in or busy, let the bullies feed themselves. Also why are 17,19 yr olds getting treats out as if they’re 6 or 7? Do they not have a social life or a part time job? Your DH has to stop indulging them.

Is your DH a sexist prick, threatened by another man (the workman) in his house? You need to sit him down, make it plain that this stops now, the taking you for granted, the bullying and the bitching. My DP works long hours too, as do many, but that doesn't entitle your DH to be an arsehole when he is at home. Christ, I couldn't live like that, life's too short.
It sounds like you have a handyman and he has a downtrodden housekeeper.

I’m not sure that your relationship is great when the step children aren’t there.
I think the issues in your relationship aren’t showing up as much when the step dc aren’t there (I suspect it would just happen behind your back instead)

And the issue here is that your DH doesn’t respect you. Call it sexism/misogyny or him being a bully/twat/whatever. But the lack of respect is quite staggering. And he has taught his dcs that it’s ok to disrespect you. You also have been playing their games and showing you accept that disrespect by avoiding them etc... (aka ‘avoiding conflict’).

Tbh I have no idea if this is something you can actually solve. Your DH doesn’t seem anywhere ready to take some responsibility and is telling you it’s all your fault/there is no problem etc... If he is t in board, no way the teens will change their way either (and now p, after several years, it will be hard to do that anyway)

Are you the same person who posts all the time about similar issues? I think you need marriage counselling to sort out the huge issue which seems to centre around the step kids.

You say you have lovely times when the children aren’t there, but are there occasions when you realise he’s not being so nice, or he says things that make you uneasy? I was in a (mildly?) abusive relationship for years and had become so used to it that it didn’t really register any more that he was treating me as a second class citizen. Anything from criticising what I was wearing, to blaming me somehow when he wanted to get out of doing something. I only ask, as the ganging up and egging the children on to back him up sounds horribly familiar.

Why are you still planing and cooking meals for them when he refuses to accept there is an issue?

Make yourself something to eat and let him get on with feeding his children.

Those 'nice' times are still based on a foundation of disrespect.
Therefore the 'nice' and the 'good' are superficial.
He's selling you an illusion and you're buying it.

Why do you keep posting these threads with a new issue each time. It's clear you have deep rooted issues with your DH that are played out especially when the DSD are there. You need to resolve the underlying problem not worry about the new symptom every two weeks when the DSD are there.

Why is it down to you to organise these jobs are done?
I can understand if you don't wanting to tackle them all, but maybe those young and clever SC could Google how and have a jolly bonding session with their Dad sorting them out? Great grounding for Real Life!

Honestly, grasping the life of joining families is tough, my parents have been divorced for a while and I personally dont like step parents because I've never had a decent one. At no point should the children intervene with your opinions. That is not something i agree with. You and your husband should be able to voice opinions together and come to a middle man but ultimately what he does with his children is beyond your control as a step mother. But furthering my take on the situation, I believe a sort of conversation needs to take place about where you stand on issues but asserting that you understand that he may not choose to do as you say in the matter. He should not be voicing your opinion and views to the children in the household. It should be private.

Is this the same OP who said 'wanker' under her breath. DSD heard and told her father, who raised it with OP a week

later?

Your DH sounds like a bully and his ‘children’ (they’re adults) are parroting.

I would LTB in all honesty, this sounds like a toxic situation.

Op it sounds like you love your dh so are focussing on your DSC's and seeing them as being to blame for what's going wrong in your marriage but this issue is definitely being caused by your DH

.

Have you considered handing the problem back to DH then.

"Oh.. I have found it to be the going rate, and I think his work is excellent, but I am very happy for you to source someone who does the same level of work for less"

If he is going to moan about your solution, then it can become his problem.. And this works right across the board.

I agree the children are joining is to curry favour, so it boils down to a DH problem. He is loving the strokes from his kids, but clearly doesn't realise how destructive he is being. Every time he does it he tears you down a little bit more.

Of course this would also work in reverse, but he has a chip on his shoulder about you for some reason, and this is what you need to find out.

Being constantly undermined and belittled is soul destroying. Perhaps you need to step away when the 3 are together.

Sounds like your DH uses sis DC as a passive aggressive means of bullying you and as such has engineered an enormous level of animosity between the kids and you. You seem to posts these threads every week each time with a new problem that is clearly caused by your DH.