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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not going to meet up because plans changed

48 replies

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 04:52

I arranged to meet a woman from work for coffee this afternoon. We're not friends but know each other a little.

Suddenly, it's not just her and me, but her, her husband and her two kids. The kids I'd have no problem with, but am I being unreasonable to not want to sit around with a couple who I barely know?

I have social anxiety if that makes any difference, and not really good at meeting people anyway.

Is it dickish of me to cancel?

OP posts:

Loveislandaddict · 22/06/2019 05:05

With the family in tow, the dynamics have changed. If he was just dropping her, fair enough, but too sit and have coffee, then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to cancel.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:11

That's how I feel, the dynamics would be really uncomfortable for me.

I feel bad for letting her down though.

OP posts:

Expressedways · 22/06/2019 05:25

She’s being dickish by arranging to meet up with you then proposing to bring the entire family along. Not a normal thing to do at all. Make up whatever excuse you like and don’t feel guilty.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:27

expressed do you think?

I feel like that too, but I suppose it could be a cultural difference too.

I am shite at socialising and making friends, so I am generally clueless about what is normal, especially in 'grown-up' relationships eg mum friends.

I realise that makes me sound like a fruitloop.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:28

I suppose I just don't get it, why meet with husband and kids, especially when my own husband and kids won't be there?

Can't her husband just take the children to the park or cafe or whatever?

OP posts:

zombiethread · 22/06/2019 05:29

What did she say? Are they definitely joking you both? Or could they just be going into town too while you 2 are having a coffee?

tympanic · 22/06/2019 05:32

Not sure I’d call it dickish, but it’s a bit of a weird thing to do. Why would she want to bring her whole family? And why would they want to go? Odd.

If it were me I would probably just go. It’s only coffee. But unless it was really fun (for some reason!) with her whole clan there I’d probably make that the last time. But I don’t really have social anxiety so would understand if you cancel.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:36

zombie nah, she literally said 'hope it's ok, but my husband and kids will be coming along'.

tympanic Not sure why they'd all want to go, maybe because we are all foreigners abroad and sometimes in those circumstances the couples are all really clingy with each other? It's actually such a huge thing here that people will say 'let's go on a double date!' which seriously fills me with horror. I love spending time with my husband, but I have no interest in some weird couples bonding time.

If I was feeling better today, I'd go anyway, but I've been feeling especially anxious the last while so it makes it harder. I'd rather meet her on her own so it doesn't sour the beginning of a possible friendship.

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 22/06/2019 05:48

I feel bad for letting her down though

It was coffee with a "sort of friend". Don't worry about it. Or go - you might actually like them all .

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:50

birdie I don't like cancelling last minute, I find it rude.

I definitely won't be going though, it's not about liking or not liking them, it's about my anxiety.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 22/06/2019 05:52

Her husband and kids might be great, or her husband may be controlling and this was the only way she could get out to see you. You have nothing to lose - it’s only half an hour and you might have 4 new friends by the end of it.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:55

lelly as I said, it's not about if they're great or not, it's about my anxiety.

I doubt I'll make friends with a four year old, but I spose you never know.

OP posts:

Mummadeeze · 22/06/2019 06:02

I would go still. Maybe she is anxious too and feels more comfortable having her family with her until she gets to know you. Maybe he can keep the kids occupied whilst you chat. It is only a coffee, just have an excuse up your sleeve to be able to leave fairly quickly if you are not enjoying it. If things go okay this time, it might lead to a new friendship with both of them or she might feel more comfortable meeting next time once she and her husband have got to know you.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 06:04

mummadeeze if she felt more comfortable like that she should have told me when we arranged it, so I could sort out something with my husband and kids too.

She told me literally two hours before meeting.

I'm not really the type to be friends with men or couples, I like meeting one on one.

OP posts:

tympanic · 22/06/2019 06:04

Maybe she has social anxiety too and would feel better if her husband is there.

Either way, I totally get your frustration.

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/06/2019 06:07

How about saying, Let's make it another time and I'll bring mine too". But YANBU. I would find that eyerollingly irritating. What's the culture difference?

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 06:08

tympanic but she should have told me in advance her husband would be there, no?

I'd be happier if my husband was there too, but he's on the opposite side of the city on a rollercoaster or something probably so that's not going to happen.

I don't get why people have to change plans at the last minute.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 06:09

penelope I honestly am not a big one for couples socialising tbh. Especially when everyone has different English levels (and I'm the only native speaker), sometimes it's just a nightmare to communicate.

Pretty outing if I say which countries we're from but just from significantly different cultures.

OP posts:

Thatsnotmyname4291 · 22/06/2019 06:13

Just don’t go. You’re an adult and it’s fine to change your mind.
It’s also totally conceivable that she was nervous and so is bringing her husband - in case you don’t show up, in case conversation is difficult. A bit socially inept of her, but just as you keep saying ‘it’s about my anxiety’ she could be thinking the same, about her anxiety.

I do find it odd when someone has to bring their partner everywhere with them, but I’m trying to be a nicer person and understand why they might do that 😂

junebirthdaygirl · 22/06/2019 06:14

Maybe the DC will help break the oce and give ye something to chat about. Maybe her dh will wander off with the kids and ye get time to chat.
It's a pain but l would go. You don't need to stay too long and you will have put in the effort so be friendlier in work.

BumandChips · 22/06/2019 06:16

It’s a bit of a weird thing to do. Why suddenly invite your husband and kids, it changes the whole dynamics of the meeting up. You won’t be able to talk properly. Why would the DH and kids want to go anyway. Surely you want to meet up with her, not her family. I’d be disappointed tbh.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 06:17

I've decided not to go. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

bbcessex · 22/06/2019 06:20

Hmmm.. yep, quite strange of her. May be many reasons for it but still changes the whole arrangement for you.

Meeting acquaintance for coffee = nice interlude with possibility of future activities if you find you get on

Meeting acquaintance and family for coffee = awkward duty hour

Your anxiety or not, I Don't blame you for not going.

FraggleRocking · 22/06/2019 06:24

Fine to cancel. Confused by posts saying she might be more comfortable with her family there so you should accommodate that. Why does her comfort trump yours? If you were more comfortable with a one on one meet up just say you’ll rearrange for when she is available to do this. It will either work out or not.

BumandChips · 22/06/2019 06:28

I would be honest and say something along the lines of, oh was hoping to meet just with you, maybe another time.

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