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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not going to meet up because plans changed

48 replies

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 04:52

I arranged to meet a woman from work for coffee this afternoon. We're not friends but know each other a little.

Suddenly, it's not just her and me, but her, her husband and her two kids. The kids I'd have no problem with, but am I being unreasonable to not want to sit around with a couple who I barely know?

I have social anxiety if that makes any difference, and not really good at meeting people anyway.

Is it dickish of me to cancel?

OP posts:

Zerrin13 · 22/06/2019 06:48

It's just a bloody coffee and a chat!
Why are people so terrified of others these days?

FancyACarrot · 22/06/2019 06:50

Good for you, they were BU, don't feel guilty. It will send her a subtle message that this isn't okay to do, so really you are helping her

FancyACarrot · 22/06/2019 06:52

@Zerrin13
It's just a bloody coffee and a chat!
Why are people so terrified of others these days?

OP has already said she has social anxiety.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 06:52

zerrin I apologise that my social anxiety, a medically diagnosed condition, bothers you so much. If it's any consolation, I will literally never meet you, so it's no skin off your nose, I suppose.

OP posts:

Barbarafromblackpool · 22/06/2019 07:03

Let's hope the other woman doesn't have social anxiety and you've cancelled on her last minute...

I mean, I wouldn't take my partner and kids to a coffee date like this, but maybe there are some particular circumstances.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 07:05

barbara It's been mentioned several times upthread already.

It's not my duty to take care of her anxiety, is it?

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 22/06/2019 07:06

I think maybe you should use this as practise and to help build your resistance to feeling comfortable meeting new people - with that many people it will be easier to make conversation. You can ask a question about the kids etc and I'm sure that will take up lots of time!
Maybe her husband wants to meet you and they don't have anyone to look after the kids. I would go - show them how nice you are - and if its her husband making her do this then I am sure she would be very appreciative of you making the effort to go - that will help your potential friendship enormously. If you reschedule then she might invite her hubby and kids along to the next one too. Just for the record no-one is asking you to be friends with the children - but all children are cute and its easy to say so...which makes their parents very happy when you tell them.

oneforthepain · 22/06/2019 07:08

Why are so many posters manufacturing excuses on behalf of the other woman to the detriment of the op?

So because you're all expanding your creativity today the person who invited 3 extra people to a one-to-one meet up gets sympathy, and the op who is struggling gets condemnation? ok then.

pictish · 22/06/2019 07:08

Weird of her to bring the hubby and kids. I’m not surprised you cancelled. I don’t have social anxiety so would go along anyway and keep it short...but my dh does and there’s no way he’d be comfortable with extras like this in the same circumstances.
However, it’s still odd and a bit rude to take your family along on a social coffee with a colleague. Yanbu.

Original poster

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 07:10

I am hiding this thread now, as I have already said I'm not going.

No interest in "building my resistance" but thanks for the medical advice, I'm sure you know the ins and outs better than me.

OP posts:

Barbarafromblackpool · 22/06/2019 07:11

I guess as we don't know any of these people, we're just providing some suggestions as to why she might have done this. Having a discussion.
OP has cancelled so it's fine.

ittakes2 · 22/06/2019 07:26

Iamalways like this - sorry if I offended you - I also have social anxiety and OCD and the whole building resistance thing is a big part of therapy so I was genuinely trying to be helpful.

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/06/2019 07:29

Fair enough, OP. I just meant so she got the idea that you didn't really want all of them on your own.
Is she from a culture that might not let her out on her own? Sounds painful and probably will go in the 'too hard basket'.

BlueMoon1103 · 22/06/2019 07:33

I think it’s rude when people change plans at the last minute especially if it involves bringing other people along. You could use the ‘another time when I can bring my kids too’ message as PP suggested above. Perhaps word it as ‘didn’t know the kids would be coming, I’d have bought mine if I did! Let’s arrange another time so the kids can get to know each other too!’ with a smiley face on the end!

Definitely not unreasonable to cancel, I hate it when people do this and I’m not sure why anyone thinks it’s okay!

solittletime · 22/06/2019 07:55

A very odd thing to do in the UK but not so odd if you are expats living overseas. Are you or they new to the country?
Not saying you're wrong. Cancel if you want and make a polite excuse.
But social dynamics are bit different when you're overseas and maybe in a place where it's difficult to meet people.

NoooorthonerMum · 22/06/2019 08:00

YANBU. Her husband should have taken the kids elsewhere - it totally changes things to be sat with an entire family.

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/06/2019 08:09

Maybe her DH is a controlling bastard who won't let her have her own social life. It's not all about you.

GreasyFryUp · 22/06/2019 08:16

Regardless of your social anxiety it was rude of her to invite her family and you have every right to cancel. From experience a nice coffee with kids there is rarely achievable.

Beautiful3 · 22/06/2019 08:33

This happened to me too. I casually asked another mum who lived around the corner if she wanted to come to the park with us. Then she rang to say her husband and sister would be coming along too! I was really confused I just said, "have a nice day, we 'll go another time." If I were you I'd just say , "I'm really sorry I can't make it" and leave it at that. Thats so werid to go out with someone you hardly know and her family.

Butterymuffin · 22/06/2019 08:36

Person has been very inconsiderate especially if they know about your husband and kids being otherwise occupied - she should either try to get you all together or just come herself. So I think she's been rude. However, just pointing out the irony of

It's not my duty to take care of her anxiety, is it?

By that logic..

BlueSkiesLies · 22/06/2019 08:37

Just say you’re not actually very good in groups and more comfortable
Meeting one on one. You’d love to still meet up if she can come on her own, but if not best leave it and rearrange.

TheRedBarrows · 22/06/2019 08:44

But how you cancel is important here, if you want to. make a new arrangement.

“Oh, it sounds as if you have a busy family day, let’s meet when you are less busy, or when I could bring by husband and kids too. Have a lovely day”

Lovemusic33 · 22/06/2019 08:46

I would feel anxious too OP but the again even 1:1 meet ups make me anxious. I would probably still go though, you can’t let the anxiety rule your life, I try and push myself to try new things/situations. I hate group meet ups or family get together as I find it hard to talk to people and read body language, sometimes if there’s kids there it’s actually easier as kids are often easier to talk too and they give you something to talk about. Don’t let your anxiety win. Maybe arrange to meet her again but alone and then meet her family another day?

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