To think I should rest on sick leave

[myotherface]

So I've been off with depression for two months. Had to stay in hospital for a bit and functioning fairly well in everyday life now. I can see how much I've improved but also can see I'm not well still. For example I still think there is no point in life, I'm a fat and ugly loser, my marriage is in ruins and I don't love anyone and would rather be alone all the time. I can kind of see none of this is necessarily true even though I feel them to be. When I was well I totally adored my 3 kids, DH and my family and friends, I loved my job and it gave me such satisfaction and purpose and I considered myself attractive enough plus I'm normal weight. My job is really demanding so I've been told I need to take further six weeks off and will need to be 100% when I return.

Me and DH both work part-time and so both look after the kids equal amount of days. Now that I'm at home on his home days he seems to think that either those days should be prioritised for doing nice trips to the park/cafes etc with him and DS, just hanging out with them at home, getting a babysitter for DS so DH and me can have quality time together OR me looking after DS so that DH can get on with jobs around the house. AIBU thinking I should be able to use these days in however I want to in a way that makes me happy and therefore gets me further in my recovery. I had one day out in town just browsing bookshops etc and DH still makes digs about it and asks when it's his turn to do something similar. But he's not there on my home days and I'm looking after the kids 7-19 without his help. Can't understand why I couldn't have at least half a day to myself when he's at home anyway. DS does three half days in nursery and that time DH wants to spend with me. I just want to be on my own and feel like everyone just wants a piece of me and there's no space for me to be me and just be alone. AIBU?

So you share childcare, but on the 3 x half days that DH is supposed to be responsible for childcare your DC is at nursery? If I've got that right, then I agree that it would be helpful to your recovery if you spent those 3 x half days doing whatever makes you feel relaxed.
But I wonder if he is thinking that by spending those half days together as a couple, you might start to feel some emotion towards him again. I can understand from he is hurting and feeling rejected, but he needs to understand that your own mental health needs to strengthen first, before you can move onto including others in your recovery.

Perhaps he thinks that you'd be making more progress if you were doing fun stuff together than if you were moping on your own? Bear in mind that he can't see into your head and also that if you've been so bad you've been in hospital he's going to be worrying about you and wanting you to be (or at least seeming to be) back to normal for all your sakes.

Thanks for replying. I probably didn't explain it very well. So DH has the kids Mon Tue, I have then Thurs Fri and DS goes to nursery half day on Tue, Wed and Thurs. So normally we would both get half a day without the kids a week. But now that I'm home I've still had to look after the kids three days a week on my own (minus those two mornings) even when I was so unwell I could barely speak. I wasn't able to finish a sentence and it took me half an hour to work out how to make a cuppa. I felt that I should be able to do whatever I want on Mondays and Tuesdays when he's at home and should definitely not be looking after DS while he gets on with jobs. But was thinking maybe I'm just being selfish and unreasonable just wanting to browse charity shops, do gardening, write or do seaside walks on my own.

@Chocolatehat ODFO - OP has been hospitalised for her mental health issues. Would you say the same to someone post heart attack? If your empathy is reduced to zero find another AIBU thread to vent on - this isn't the one for you.

OP - sometimes forming connections and spending time with people can be helpful but it has to be led by how you feel.

Jesus Chocolatehat what a nasty and ignorant attitude.

OP, do you think you could maybe work a compromise with DH? Explain that you need some time alone to regroup, but also acknowledge that he needs some quality time with you to rebuild. Half a day each, plus half a day doing jobs/pottering around the home together?

It's a terrible illness and I am glad you are getting help. At first I thought I had wrote part of it.
I fell twice last week as dh thinks I don't pull my weight ( have walking and other conditions as well as stress )
Do what you can to help yourself and I wish you well

When do you think your DH should be doing the jobs that need doing? What sort of jobs are you talking about?

I think you have to expect to pull a bit of weight, notwithstanding the fact you've obviously been unwell and keeping an eye on the DC so that your SH can do what are presumably household chores doesn't seem unreasonable if it's not actively hampering your recovery

The jobs are things like watering the greenhouse, tidying the garage (doesn't need doing), going for a bikeride, general tidying in the garden etc. Nothing urgent and all the sort of stuff he tells me to do with the kids running around my feet. And someone saying him doing all the housework presumed wrong. Yes while I was in hospital he did do everything but as soon as I was out we were back doing 50-50 of all the cooking and cleaning.

If you are off work because you’re unwell then you need to do whatever it is to help you get better. Eg. When I had a bad back it was walking. And short spells of lying down. No sitting.
What would help you?
Do you think he’s trying to sort of pull you back from being ill and into family life again? May be misjudged but you may need to explain what you need right now.
Wishing you much better days OP.

@Gazelda you are probably right in that we should compromise. I could have one morning spending time with him and one to myself and one morning where he could do what he wants. But that still leaves those two afternoons where ds is home and DH expects me to look after him (partly playing and partly doing housework whilst I look after him) while he gets on with his stuff.

I still feel that those two days that I'm normally at work and DH at home should be my time. I'm on paid sick leave. So basically I'm paid to look after myself so that I'll recover as quickly as possible to be able to return to work. If I'm well enough to look after my son while my DH does what he wants surely I'm well enough to go to work (which my psychiatrist and occu health insist that I'm definitely not well enough for that). I just don't get how I can be well enough to be a full time stay at home mum but not well enough to work. And if I'm expected to be a full-time stay at home mum then there's no reason for him to work part-time.

@Wolfiefan he's definitely not doing it consciously and trying to pull me back into family life. It's more to do with the fact that he's someone who walks around the house seeing all of the tiny areas that need repainting and little messes and small broken bits that I really don't think need fixing. I. His head it's all an endless to do list and me being home to him means :brilliant, I can get on with the jobs while she's with the kids. And thanks for the well wishing. I'm still in the mindset that makes me think I will probably never get better and doubt the point of carrying on. But I carry on regardlessly. For the kids I guess.

Going for a bike ride - so he's a cycling twat as well!

YANBU OP, depression requiring hospitalization is rare these days due to budget cuts so you must be really poorly. You need to sit him down to explain the facts, take a bullet pointed list if you need it. Don't express blame, but simply state that "when you do x, I feel like y".

It can really help to send the message home without being overly accusatory.

for you, well done for coming back from the brink, you're doing well.

Yep I second that getting hospitalised is a big thing, and in my own opinion and with similar experience, your OH’s attitude probably contributed to the depression. Put yourself and your recovery first. If you were so confused/unmotivated ameitb it to hardly be able to make tea it will take a lot for your brain to recover. I personally spent a lot of time in coffee shops alone, people watching and just trying to cope after similar. Leave your child with his dad as usual. It is so not just a holiday after these type of things. If you want to recover you need to be selfish.

I remember that feeling. I wasn’t hospitalised but I remember not knowing (or caring much) how I could ever manage more than getting up in the morning.
It’s a few years later and life is sooooooo much better. But for a while there I just had to stop.
Wishing you all the best.

Just wanted to add my support OP. I am recovering from a severe bout of depression and my DH completely understands that I need time alone to recover. Slightly different situation in that normally he works full time and I work part time, but he would never expect that I had done all the house work on my days at home; he would much rather I used the time to sleep or relax in other ways.

Have you told him directly how you feel?

It will get better, but give yourself time and patience.

If you can behave as if you are well - interacting with family, doing things, going out etc it can start to make you feel as if you are well.
(Actions influence thoughts and feelings, so acting positively can help you think positive thoughts and have positive emotions.) I've not made this up, this is a CBT principle.
So actually DH is encouraging you on the right path. Try it. Being solitary for 6 weeks won't make you ready to face the world again, but tiptoeing forwards might.

I think it’s incredibly difficult for people who haven’t suffered the awful illness of depression to actually maintain a long term supportive attitude. You have my empathy OP I always know that when I start to retreat into my cave that I’m feeling unwell and I need to self care.

I’d advise talking to him and see if he can grasp how imperative it is that you listen to yourself and not get over stimulated and stressed out.

And pp is absolutely correct when you are ready the road to recovery is taking small steps at pretending to be normal and seeing if it helps you feel more positive. But you have to be ready to try, you can’t be made to do by someone else.

From another point of view- your DH will probably be able to put more effort into being compassionate and helpful if he is happy and looks after himself. I think it's unfair to say when he's not at work he should be doing all the childcare and jobs so you can go out on your own. Giving him the odd few hours to cycle or garden will probably help his mental health so he can do his best caring for you.

I'm in a similar situation- off work with a depressive episode for past few weeks, DH is a SAHD, DS1 is at school and DS2 is at nursery 15 hrs/week. There's so much potential for getting roped into childcare and housework all day. I'm trying to have a balance between structured activity (taking kids out, supervising kids in house, laundry, making dinners, going to supermarket), relaxing activities (sewing, gardening, trips to garden centre, seeing friends) and doing nothing. Trying to avoid daytime sleeping but I'm exhausted so sometimes that happens too. I'm aiming for 50% busy-ish days and 50% quiet, but with some space in a busy day when I don't need to think, and some structured activity in a quiet day (e.g. I'll do some gardening and watch TV with the kids).

I think it's really important that you take time to do things for yourself that are relaxing/enjoyable. If you were back at work you'd be on a graded return so why not a graded return to family life? Previous comment about CBT principles is well-meaning but it sounds like you're just as busy as you would be at work and it's tiring you out! If you were lying in bed all day then yes your husband should be pushing you to do things but that's not the case. I really feel for you having one day out on your own since getting out of hospital and you're being nagged about it. That's not fair at all. From your description of your week it looks like there must be time for you (and your DH if he's that keen) to get some alone time. It's really important that you have something to look forward to rather than hanging on for the chance of doing something nice.

Have you discussed this with your psychiatrist or CPN? I'm a psychiatrist and often get involved in managing families' expectations (with variable success I have to admit, but it's worth a try). Don't know how much your husband knows about depression but I think there are some symptoms that are much better understood than others- people generally get it that people with depression feel sad and/or anxious but tiredness, feeling overwhelmed and slow thinking not so much.

I hope you get better soon, I know what it's like to think everything is pointless and there's no hope for the future but one day you'll look back on this and think wtf was I thinking!

OP, I totally agree with your stance tbh. You are off work sick. This is time you need to recover, not take over some of DHs responsibilities. You are still doing your share of the housework and childcare, and DH is totally unreasonable to expect you to take over some of his share.

What do your mental health support team think you should be doing? If they are encouraging you to do stuff then trying one morning a week doing family stuff is a good idea. If they (and you) still think you need rest then you should be resting.

On the days you would normally be working, he should be fulfilling his normal responsibilities as if you were at work. And you should be doing what you feel will aid your recovery.

This was me and my husband last year with my husband suffering and being on sick leave. I can see both sides and even more so being the spouse of someone with MH issues. I'd never came into contact or dealt with them and found it quite hard to be supportive and understanding.
I was like your husband and expected mine to be doing housework, looking after DC etc. Got told I was awful, couldn't care less and making him worse.
We now have the understanding that he needs to talk to me more and let me know if he's having a bad day so I can help or go out for the day with DC to help him recover and have some 'him' time.

I'd have a chat with your DH because although it's you who is suffering (god bless you OP) I think these things do affect the family and DH may have some guilt like I did last year. Wishing you all the best OP.

Thank you so much for all the support everyone!

@HavelockVetinari You're right, I was very poorly. A lady from the crisis team said in the past ten years she's only admitted five people and that I was one where she didn't have any doubts about whether there could have been other options. I couldn't finish a sentence or do anything really and was getting ready to end it all. Without the admission I probably wouldn't be here. But I don't know about the doing well bit. It feels like nothing much is moving inside my head even though my functioning is now okay. And it sounds like a good idea trying to explain it like this.

@Hollowtree3 thanks for sharing your experience. I think it sounds like what I'd like to do. And you are right in tha my DH has been a big contributor to me getting poorly.

@Wolfiefan and @upanddownandupanddown
Sorry you've had to go through the same. It gives me hope though that you've both come through the other side. I have tried explaining to DH but he always says the same - what about he's time, is everything always just about me and do I not want to spend time with him

@Bluetrews25 I don't think what you suggested would work for me as that's how I got unwell. I was feeling awful and continued life as if there was nothing wrong. I kept doing that until suddenly I could barely speak and was extremely suicidal. I'm very high functioning and spend my life trying help and please others. I have never taken time for myself or stayed in bed apart from when my body would not move when I asked it to. Even then I got up within a couple of hours when I got my body to move and started the usual routines.

@Zofloramummy he has admitted himself he finds it hard to be supportive sometimes when he gets frustrated. He always adds he's frustrated with the situation and not me.

@Hiphopopotamous You are totally right. And I'd say I directly ask him if he'd like some time to himself more often than he ever offers it to me. I have to be really struggling before it crosses his mind.

@LisaMontgomery @Bambamber this is exactly what I think. But I worry that I'm just being selfish. But I do feel that for years I have lived for others and not done a single thing for myself. I think that the only way for me to get better is by doing lots of things I enjoy. And I do still think that if my depression doesn't massively lift there's a chance I'll eventually act on not wanting to be here. I still think about it a lot. My CMHT were against my discharge purely for this reason. They worried I'd go home and start doing too much. They are encouraging me to do as much by myself as possible. To be honest my cpn seems to think DH is abusive (which I think is pushing it a bit far) and can definitely tell that she thinks I should leave.

@WinterWife thanks for sharing. I do know it is hard for him to understand and it must be awful to live with someone as negative as me. Especially when normally I'm the bubbliest and happiest person ever.