To think I should rest on sick leave

[myotherface]

So I've been off with depression for two months. Had to stay in hospital for a bit and functioning fairly well in everyday life now. I can see how much I've improved but also can see I'm not well still. For example I still think there is no point in life, I'm a fat and ugly loser, my marriage is in ruins and I don't love anyone and would rather be alone all the time. I can kind of see none of this is necessarily true even though I feel them to be. When I was well I totally adored my 3 kids, DH and my family and friends, I loved my job and it gave me such satisfaction and purpose and I considered myself attractive enough plus I'm normal weight. My job is really demanding so I've been told I need to take further six weeks off and will need to be 100% when I return.

Me and DH both work part-time and so both look after the kids equal amount of days. Now that I'm at home on his home days he seems to think that either those days should be prioritised for doing nice trips to the park/cafes etc with him and DS, just hanging out with them at home, getting a babysitter for DS so DH and me can have quality time together OR me looking after DS so that DH can get on with jobs around the house. AIBU thinking I should be able to use these days in however I want to in a way that makes me happy and therefore gets me further in my recovery. I had one day out in town just browsing bookshops etc and DH still makes digs about it and asks when it's his turn to do something similar. But he's not there on my home days and I'm looking after the kids 7-19 without his help. Can't understand why I couldn't have at least half a day to myself when he's at home anyway. DS does three half days in nursery and that time DH wants to spend with me. I just want to be on my own and feel like everyone just wants a piece of me and there's no space for me to be me and just be alone. AIBU?

@Catypillar I wanted to reply to you separately as there seemed to be too many similarities to comment on. How you've planned your time sounds totally ideal. That's exactly what I feel I'd benefit from but it's just not going to happen in this house. There's a lot of days where it is just full-time housework, reading the same stories, playing Lego and building dens and crawling around the floor pretending to be animals whether I feel I can do it or not. And the graded return to family life would be amazing!!

We haven't discussed this for a bit with my psychiatrist or cpn as recently we've spent all appointment discussing whether I should get a divorce or not and how to keep myself safe with the suicidal thoughts.

I'm also a psych doctor. Don't think I'll be able to call myself a psychiatrist until I'm a consultant. I still feel very strongly that I'm actually not a real doctor and that I'll be sacked when they find out. Which in my head is happening now.. sensible part of me is thinking they're asking me not to come back yet because they can see I'm not well enough. In my head though there's a communication between occu health and my seniors and they are saying don't let her come back until we've got a way of getting rid of her. Which is ridiculous giving the good feedback I always get of seniors, patients and colleagues but still seems to be what I believe. To complicate things I've also been bullied at work by someone training us once a week and even though they've acted on this etc I'm convinced everyone thinks it was my fault. (Hope nobody I know reads this as I'd be totally recognisable by now) Everything in my life just feels complicated at the moment and the fact I can't do the job I adore and is my passion makes it all so much harder to cope with.

I really hope I will get to point where I'll wonder what I was thinking about. Just can't see it even far in the distance yet.

I’m there now. At the time my thoughts seemed completely normal and rational. Now I think WTF?
Wishing you all the very best OP.

I can understand him wanting the two of you to have nice trips to the park or cafe together or getting a babysitter so you can spend time together is fine and would probably make you feel good, you looking after the kids so he can do jobs isn’t going to.

Have you discussed the difference with him?

You being home off sick should definitely be considered ‘your time’. Especially as you are carrying on doing childcare on your DH’s work days, your DH should also carry on as normal on his childcare days - not expect you to take over childcare so he can get jobs done, and not expect you to participate in his plans for the day. You are participating in family life - by continuing as normal when he is at work. I think you are doing amazingly. I would tell DH that he will need to take annual leave to build in some family time as you need his childcare days to continue as normal to enable your recovery

Thank you @Wolfiefan. So glad you have gotten to a better mental space.

@fedup21 I might try to point this difference out to him.

Thanks for the support @Nogoodusername. This is how I view it too. I've had a tough three days and sleepless nights with the DCs while he's been away. I'm tired and desperate for a half an hour on my own but trying to think that DH had the kids for two weeks without me. Although he did have a family member living with him to help him out the whole time. I love my children dearly but I am so tired of the family life and the daily battles. If I had a magic wand I think I would replace myself with a loving mother who would love the everyday family life. I would erase myself from their memories and replace it with this ideal mother.

I know that feeling well of wanting to be the ideal mother and feeling that I’ve failed. I set my standards high and was always an over achiever. I’ve been medication free for just over a year and although I am functioning well I know my warning signs, and setting the bar too high is one of them.

I also had a difficult work situation and an unsupportive partner. I left the partner and the job. I know do a lower level job, money is tight and I still have rough patches when I need to be careful and look after myself. But on the whole I’m in a much better place. You sound like a lovely mum who is doing her best to make life at home fun despite dealing with a terrible illness. I would view it the same way as a physical illness, it’s just as real and needs just as much support and care to recover from.

Oh and I didn’t see that my ex was emotionally abusive and contributing massively to my illness until I’d ended things and had space to breathe. I would highly recommend talking therapies. The sense of validation I got from that was massive and stopped me feeling quite so paranoid. Good luck OP

Now not know

@Zofloramummy it really helps hearing other people have gone through something similar. I definitely recognise the bit with setting the bar too high. I just don't know where I could start practicing to lower it. Was totally shocked when my supervisor (a consultant psychiatrist) said she rarely cooks from scratch because it's too much effort. I'd never really thought it was even an option to buy something ready made or even part of the meal readymade just to make your life easier. My partner has drilled it into me how bad it is and it's become something that seems almost as bad as feeding your kids a bottle of bleech. And suddenly I saw it so differently. I wonder what other areas there are that I could change. I suppose the way I'm with the kids.. I've only played with each of them for maybe half an hour each today. I was massively beating myself up about it and then thought, actually, it might be enough. I've been present and talking and interacting with them and that half an hour of quality time with each is probably fine.

Your situation did sound fairly similar apart from the job. I love my job and the pay is okay and the stress levels are not too bad. My partner is actually supportive but also weirdly controlling without realising he is. I'd say his behaviour is at times emotionally abusive but again he definitely doesn't do it on purpose. It's more just bad communication skills and stuff his learnt from his childhood that's so engrained he doesn't realise how wrong it is. But whether he'll be able to change or whether I'll stick around long enough to see if it does.. will have to see.

Hi @myotherface, sorry for not replying sooner! Hope you've had a better week this week.

I think you count as a psychiatrist once you've got MRCPsych- that's when I started calling myself a psychiatrist and also calling the consultants by their first names (to the annoyance of the medical director... admittedly I was a bit hypomanic)

I do a lot of doctors' mental health stuff (info below) and your thoughts about not being a real doctor and work not wanting you back are so common in depressed doctors! We all have a bit of imposter syndrome and it gets turned up to 11 when we're unwell! I have really supportive colleagues and a permanent consultant post so didn't worry about them getting rid of me, but spent Jan-May this year worrying about clinical decisions and being convinced I was going to be struck off or sued (also managed to convince myself that my previous MPS cover was not retrospectively valid so I could lose my house if I got sued- eventually checked with them and it was fine). I also quit a postgraduate training role that I liked because I thought I was crap at it! Spent these months not enjoying work at all and it's only the past couple of weeks that I've realised I do enjoy my job and it was just the illness that convinced me otherwise.

I don't cook from scratch either... I can cook but usually DH or I put on a ready meal or frozen veggieburgers or something. If you're on a good banding and can therefore afford M+S they do some great kids ready meals...At least one of the other consultants in my dept never cooks from scratch, haven't asked the others. My reg brings me Indian food that she makes because I usually have horrible food from the canteen. I don't make packed lunches for the kids either- it's school food or nothing (or DS1 can make his own packed lunch if he wants). I also don't iron at all (apart from one top). We were going to get a cleaner but bought a roomba instead and grudgingly do the dusting when it's starting to look really bad. House is not going to feature in the CPD modules on hoarding but neither does it look like a show home. I never wash my car. Do the garden but only because I enjoy it- got bark down everywhere between the plants though so no weeding. Frequent soft play trips for the kids if we're too tired (DH has MS) to run around after them. I read a post somewhere online by a woman who said she has great memories of spending whole days at Chuck E Cheese (in USA) with her siblings and getting to eat fast food- she only found out years later it was because her mum was too unwell (she had some kind of chronic illness) to do all the expected wholesome activities and would sit there feeling guilty while the kids had a brilliant time that they still remember as adults!

We played with DS1 all the time when he was 2-4 and eventually the nursery told us to encourage him to play on his own as he constantly insisted that the nursery teachers should be playing with him and him only. Really doesn't do them harm to leave them to it. I do a lot of things alongside the kids e.g. they do painting and I do some of my artwork, I sort my veg patch and DS2 plays in the sandpit, etc. Half an hour of quality time sounds great! It gets easier when they start liking stuff that you like doing (also when they're able to do things like load the dishwasher and go to the shop for you...)

Not sure how far along you are in your training- if you've done Paper A you've probably read about Winnicott and the Good Enough Mother? (these folk just seem to judge the mothers not the fathers- arseholes!) Don't know about you but I've never asked a patient how their childhood was to get the reply "it was awful, my mum only played with me for half an hour at a time and sometimes I had to eat ready meals".

If you have Facebook I would recommend Tea and Empathy (PUBLIC GROUP) if you're not on it already. It's wellbeing support for NHS health professionals and students. Group itself is public but there are lots of private subgroups. You haven't mentioned your diagnosis, but if you have bipolar we have a secret FB group- PM me and I can add you. Doctor Mums Mental Health Support is a good group. Medic Mums Massive isn't specifically to do with mental health but it's a good supportive community.

Have you had any involvement with Doctors Support Network? Some areas of the country have groups that meet regularly. I sometimes host the Scotland meetings- if you're in Scotland or north of England please PM me and we can organise for you to get involved. Next meeting will be Aug/Sept on a Saturday or Sunday. Some of us also meet up informally especially if we're off sick.