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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not found my tribe

34 replies

ComeAlive · 21/06/2019 16:52

I am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me, since having children I really struggle to make friends. I have two children, one about to start school and the other 6 months. I had really hoped that I’d make friends via first child’s nursery which started 2 years ago but aside from pleasantries with the other mums nothing has developed. I’ve met a couple of other mums via the village I live in but they seem luke warm when I’ve suggested meet ups. They’ve both bailed out on meet ups prearranged on at least two occasions so clearly not that into developing anything. Before children I had a lot of work acquaintances and friends as well as friends from school and uni who I see from time to time which is great but it’s not the same. Have attended lots of baby groups etc to get myself out there but nothing is developing. It’s starting to affect my self esteem and I’m really questioning myself which isn’t great. Anyone been in this position and come out the other side positively? Im a chatty person by nature but can’t seem to meet others who I have something in common with (other than the fact we have children the same age) or who are reliable about meet ups. Other friends say that they’ve met friends when their children start school so I’m hoping that will be the case with me. Anyone with a similar experience that can give me some pointers and hope. Being a SAHP can be a lonely gig some days.

OP posts:

shadypines · 21/06/2019 17:14

I can understand how you feel but I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you you just haven't clicked with other mums yet. I suppose having a child of roughly a similar age is not necessarily going to mean we will get along with others (far form it if you read a lot of posts on here) Finding friends in life is a bit of a lottery anyway don't you think ? I always struggled to make friends at baby groups/school beyond a casual friendly aquaintaince, no life long buddies.

Just be yourself, make sure you show a litte interest in others and it's easier to chat, which I'm sure you know already. However I did use to find a lot of self obsessed mothers at play groups and schools! I hope feel better about yourself soon but please don't rely on others to verify your own self esteem, it's nice to have friends but self esteem comes from, as the title says, yourself!

SunniDay · 21/06/2019 17:49

I think starting school is a really good time to make friends/arrange to play because parents are mindful that they want their kids to have friends in school and that these friendships can last a lifetime. They are also too young to be left to play.

It's no coincidence that the few children my son would list as his good or best friends are the ones whose mum's I got chatting to and arranged to play/invited for lunch. Facilitating the friendship of the kids gives you a way in.

If your child will start on half days then it's a good time to invite for lunch/play. With school you can also start to spot who lives near you and arrange to play with them - nice for your kids in future to have local friends and once your friendships are established really handy for helping each other out in an emergency.

I'm sure things will look so different in a year or two. I think the school gate is very different from baby groups where quite often people can't be bothered and just want to chat with their mate.

Fucktuates · 21/06/2019 17:50

I definitely haven’t found my tribe. I feel your pain.

Fuzzyend · 21/06/2019 17:57

Oh yes - I remember that feeling. I pit myself through every baby/toddler group for miles around in the attempt to find somewhere that I really belonged.

I did eventually find 1 (still friends 20 years later). And I did make good friends through primary school, but I must say that there were a few wilderness years there too on and off.

Definitely worth keeping on trying different avenues. Good luck!

Kindlethefourth · 21/06/2019 18:08

Found mine with daughter's footie club. It's relaxed. I didn't have to try hard. Nice people, lots of banter.

RubberTreePlant · 21/06/2019 18:15

I think 'Mum friends' are more about happenstance than tribes TBH.

As they start school and join things, you'll get more chances at it.

WatermelonCarrier · 21/06/2019 18:16

I found one and she moved abroad, I tried not to take it personally but I was in mourning tbh.

formerbabe · 21/06/2019 18:17

Same

FionasWineShow · 21/06/2019 18:20

Yes, school is where it will happen, especially if, as a SAHM, you're personally able to be there at pick up. That makes a big difference IME.

We moved when our DC were tiny, so I was really keen to make friends. Baby groups and even kindy weren't all that fruitful, but it happened at school.

Once you start arranging play dates and getting to know the mums of their friends and classmates, you'll find the ones you click with.

It won't happen overnight, but if you're open, friendly and chatty (which it sounds like you are), it will happen.

I look back on those days and had that same feeling of hopelessness about ever meeting some kindred spirits. Things are very different now, but it does take time.

Flipsyflops · 21/06/2019 18:23

I hear you. I've made friends relatively quickly and easily everywhere that I've lived, at every stage of life. School, uni, work, sahm... but we moved house about 4 years ago, and in 4 years I have not found one person that I click with. Plenty to talk to, plenty to have round for play dates etc, but I find I come away drained rather than refreshed.

I need a refreshing group!

And it's not that I just can't relax anymore, because when I see old friends I feel refreshed, and even when I meet random people on a train for example, I can connect with them easily and think "ah, you'd be a great and refreshing friend", but there are just NONE where I live. It's weird.

So I'm afraid I don't have the solution. If you find it though, please share! I'm lonely :(

TantricTwist · 21/06/2019 18:26

Once they start School you will make a ton of new Mum friends.

Most of which you'll wish you'd never met come 6 years time.

Some you'll be life long friends with.

septembersunshine · 21/06/2019 18:45

For me, op, it wasn't the school run mums that became good friends. Yes, sure we chat and pass the time of day but I rarely see them outside of the playground. I joined a writing group (1 night a month and various meet ups at pubs for open mic etc...) and these people are friends....and my tribe (although dh says I am a lone wolf in a pack of one...meh). Do you have any interests? Can really be anything. Start exploring your interest and going to things related to it and your world will grow and grow. Or a class you want to try? I do think a lot of mums do make very good friends with other mums but if you don't you there are ways!

formerbabe · 21/06/2019 18:51

A lot of it is just luck.

Dc1s first school...a lovely group of women. Really found them easy to get on with. Then he moved schools and I like those mums too and get on pretty well with them.

Dc2 class mums...I've never met a more vile bunch of women in my life...shudder.

Mumof1andacat · 21/06/2019 18:58

I am tribeless! Didn't go to baby groups and was back at work when ds was 6 months for 4 days a week. Never met the other mums at nursery and I only manage 1 pick up and drop off a week now ds is school. He goes to breakfast/after school club but hardly ever see a parent! I have two close friends a see every couple of weeks or so and we have a works social evening every so often.

SweetAsSpice · 21/06/2019 19:02

Me too.

A tribeless tribe!

Fucktuates · 21/06/2019 19:03

@TantricTwist that’s just not true a lot of the time

OccidentalPurist · 21/06/2019 19:03

My DCs are both at secondary school now but, like many others on here, I made friends easily before kids but it took me a long time to find my people after having kids.

I think a lot of mums of young DCs feel very under pressure and insecure and there's a degree of subsequent judging and bitchiness which I wasn't prepared for at junior school.

I got there in the end though and have a nice bunch that I see regularly even though our DCs are becoming increasingly independent.

IrishMamaMia · 21/06/2019 19:04

I'm another one who is struggling with finding a tribe since becoming a mum. There are lovely mums in my area but haven't really succeeded in developing much beyond chatting at the playground or nursery. It kind of is what is I guess. I'm having another soon, so will make more of an effort again. It's hard as I don't see as much of my pre - kids friends these days as we're just in different stages now.
I think September Sunshine above is right though.. I have joined two local groups for my hobbies and have met a lovely bunch of ladies. We're not super close but I really enjoy the meet ups and it helps my self-esteem. Maybe it's easier to get to know people around a shared interest? This problem comes up on mumsnet fairly often so I guess we're not the only ones.

MatchSetPoint · 21/06/2019 19:07

Yes if you want to make friends school Pick ups are a great way to start! I try to keep the school Mums at arms length but if I wanted to I could have made some friendships. I do think it’s harder with a baby though I’m afraid, at soft play date other mums want to sit and chat but you’ll be chasing a baby/toddler around (saying this as a Mum with a toddler and Reception aged child)

TantricTwist · 21/06/2019 19:27

@Fucktuates I'm trying to put a positive spin on things but yes of course it's not the case for everyone.

But the start of Primary School does open social doors. I was constantly being invited in for a glass of wine when picking up my DC from various playdates and always said yes and made some great friends none of which I see now really as I work full time again, but I could if I wanted to and made the effort.

missperegrinespeculiar · 21/06/2019 19:29

nope, has not worked for me either, made worse by working full time (but flexible job, so can be around for events and some pick-ups), a couple of what you might call family friends, i.e. socialise as whole families, and a few people I chat with at the school gate and with whom I might arrange outings with kids, but real friends? no!

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 19:48

Remember that you are still you. You have not morphed into a mum-bot.

What's your hobby? What do you do for fun? Me, I like running and outdoor circuit training type activities. I also like going to geeky lectures and events. I quizzed people in my village until I found the various little groups of runners / bootcamp goers, tried a few and found my people. I wanted to go to a mad lecture at the LSE so asked around the random villager people if anyone fancied going too. I found my people. Some of us have same age children. Some don't. Life enriching. When you click with one or two then they'll introduce you to more people like you and you are flying.

You are still you. Don't start a friend hunt by seeking out people who happened to get knocked up at roughly the same time.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 19:56

My mad hunt for my people wasn't as random as it sounds. I talked to other mums and people I met being clear about things I am into. It led to some "OMG, you and Kate will get along so well, come to the pub/park with us on Tuesday." And a bit of "Are you, Towel? Linda said you might be interested in coming to Weds night yoga, here are the details."

Original poster

ComeAlive · 21/06/2019 20:07

Thankyou to everyone who has posted. You’ve given me some great ideas and some hope as well as some possible realities so that’s much appreciated. I do have some hobbies so I will explore those groups further. It’s been challenging with a young baby in tow but I need to carve this out for me. Thanks all for making me feel a bit less weird tonight! If anyone else has further ideas/thoughts then please do share. Sounds like this is far from a unique experience.

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 20:07

Lol OP me either. Do you live in my village? I'm well up for starting a new tribe. I like wine.

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