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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at MIL's reaction?

52 replies

Supernovie · 21/06/2019 15:15

DH & I have been together 8 years (married for 4) and have been trying for a family since we married.

Long story short, we found out recently he has issues and I have issues, so it's very, very unlikely we will conceive naturally and assistance is not available in our case.

We didn't tell anyone we were TTC so we get the usual comments from family 'when are you two finally going to settle down' etc. Actually had someone say 'your ovaries aren't getting any younger'. But whatever. Comments had been increasing from both our mum's so we decided to tell them.

I took my DM to lunch last week and told her that I can't give her grandchildren. She was upset for me, but told me life could still be great and fulfilled and we'd all get through this.

My MIL visited yesterday and while DH was walking the dog (he didn't want to be there when I told her) I explained that sadly we won't be able to have children of our own.

She said nothing for a few moments, then told me it took her 3 months to fall pregnant with DH, and 2 months with DC2. Then she started talking about how sweet her kids were as babies.

I have had a knot in my stomach ever since. I can't quite put my finger on why I'm so upset. For context I really like my MIL, I have lots of respect for her and we can happily chat away on the phone to catch up, though I don't see her often.

AIBU and being over-sensitive at her reaction? Should I let it go?

OP posts:

user1471478601 · 21/06/2019 15:25

I had a similar conversation with a friend. There was a pause and she then went on to tell me how she fell pregnant straight away and it was such a shock 🙄... I think she didn’t know how to react to what I told her, and I presume panicked and said whatever cake into her head?? She did text me a few days later to apologise, but tbh it has changed how I see her. And it did upset me a lot at the time. So no I don’t think you are being over sensitive at all. What you needed was for her to acknowledge what you were telling her, not her telling her how great it is having something you won’t be able to have. Some people lack social skills and will just never understand the pain of infertility.
Wishing you all the best for the future.

DeadDoorpost · 21/06/2019 15:25

First off, sorry to hear tou both have difficilties.

I think, without knowing her, that she's just trying to hold back any sort of feeling that could possibly upset you and/her more. I know I can suddenly act in an odd manner when I'm trying to process news and will often start talking about odd things that may not help.

You're also entitled to feel how you want to I think in this situation. Its obvioisly a difficult one.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 21/06/2019 15:30

I think people don't know what to say and then make it worse, tbh. She must've realised that talking about babies would upset you though, so she could've and should've stopped!

Chamomileteaplease · 21/06/2019 15:30

Well that's a classic example of what not to do when someone tells you that kind of news. She sounds like the kind of person who finds that sort of "real" conversation very difficult.

I really hope that she apologises soon when she thinks about how bloody awful her response was. It would be a shame if your relationship was damaged but if she doesnt' apologise I can't see you looking at her the same way.

If she doesn't, you could be very brave and bring it up next time you are face to face but hopefully it won't come to that.

My condolences to you. I hope you find a bright pathway ahead of you.

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2019 15:32

I think people sometimes say the first thing that comes into their heads- and may well be kicking the sheets in the middle of the night in mortification for being so insensitive. If she’s normally nice then maybe try to move on if you can? Difficult, I know.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 21/06/2019 15:33

She isn't lovely then is she op?
So now you know.
Sorry for your bad news.

Original poster

Supernovie · 21/06/2019 15:36

Thanks all.

I certainly won't hold it against her, I don't want it to sour an otherwise healthy MIL-DIL relationship; I still respect and like her. She raised a great son!

I suppose my DM reacted in such a supportive way, it really juxtaposed MIL's response.

I won't be sharing anything personal again with her, though. I admit it's hard to know what to reply when given bad news, so I'll note to myself she's not likely to react all that supportively.

OP posts:

statetrooperstacey · 21/06/2019 15:43

Do you think perhaps she didn’t quite take in the enormity of your news? The finality if you like? So just sort of heard your words, didn’t quite absorb them and sort of blathered on about her experiences ? Or possibly If she didn’t know you were ttc maybe she thinks you didn’t want children? If she is usually otherwise nice she must have had some sort of brain fart .

NoSauce · 21/06/2019 15:45

Some people are weird and particularly so around other people’s sad or unfortunate news. It’s like their brain goes out of gear. If she’s otherwise nice to you I can only think she was a bit shocked and didn’t know what to say OP.

Handletree · 21/06/2019 15:48

I doubt she meant to hurt you if you have an otherwise good relationship. When my husband and I made an announcement to my mother in law, she said “oh” and changed the subject. I was quite surprised but just went with it. She was terminally ill at the time and presumably unprepared for the news/unsure how she felt about it. She reacted more normally given time. I would assume your mother in law was shocked and upset and hadn’t had time to process her feelings. Maybe didn’t want to sort of acknowledge it as a bad thing in case it made you feel worse? You might find that she apologises to you once she’s had time to think about it and realises how insensitive she was. Or perhaps could think that bringing it up again might make it worse.

averylongtimeago · 21/06/2019 15:50

If she is otherwise nice, perhaps she didn't realise how long you have been ttc and the test you have both had? Perhaps she meant it in a "keep trying it will happen" sort of way.
Or perhaps she is just insensitive?

Snidpan · 21/06/2019 15:52

why didn't DP want to be there?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2019 15:54

aww I'm sorry OP :( But i agree with others in that maybe she just was taken off guard and really didn't know how to react. I don't know why you had to be the one who told her though, not very fair of your DH

LadyShrek2k19 · 21/06/2019 15:56

Sorry to hear that you've had so many comments from different people - some people seem to think your ability (or decision whether to) have a child is their business - especially once you're married.

I would give your MIL a chance to process the news - she probably just didn't know what to say, whereas your mum is clearly sad for her "little girl".

I have fertility issues and have always been really open with talking about it with everyone. That is until I found out that my MIL was using it as gossip fodder and people who I barely knew or had contact with were telling me how sorry they were to hear our "news". We quickly stopped updating my PIL after that!

Hopefully once MIL has processed she'll be more thoughtful with her comments going forward. If she's not, you'll need to be firm and clear with her and make sure she fully understands your situations.

Hugs for you both. X

carla1983 · 21/06/2019 15:56

I daresay she was shocked and blurted out the first thing that came into her head. It was hurtful yes but if you have an otherwise good relationship with her I wouldn't hold it against her. People do say stupid things when you give news like this.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/06/2019 15:56

Why didn't your husband want to be there when you were telling his mother?

However, I don't think perhaps she grasped/accepted the enormity of what you'd said; given you'd just said it and it hadn't sunk in. People will say all sorts of things. An infertile friend was told by another friend that to cure infertility all you need to do is eat bay leaves with pretty much everything. Some people just don't know how to react.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/06/2019 15:58

I doubt she meant to be unkind. Perhaps it was a rather clumsy way of telling you not to give up hope...?

(i.e. the finality of what you'd said hadn't sunk in?)

Also think that was a bit of a cowardly swerve from your DH though. Why didn't he want to be there? Either way, sorry for your news.

Original poster

Supernovie · 21/06/2019 15:59

why didn't DP want to be there?

DH is emotional about it and couldn't face being there. It's been just between us for so long, so telling people almost makes it more real for him. He's coming to terms with it in his way.

OP posts:

Mia1415 · 21/06/2019 16:01

I'm really sorry OP.

It was clearly a very insensitive thing to say, and I'm not trying to defend her but possibly it was the shock and disappointment.

cakeandchampagne · 21/06/2019 16:04

She didn’t know you had been trying. She was probably a little shocked- and trying to reassure you it might still happen. Someone older (or not personally involved) might not be aware of new tests/technology. I don’t think she meant to sound unkind.

saraclara · 21/06/2019 16:09

This came out of the blue to her. And some people (I'm one of them) just can't think quickly when given such emotional and sad news, (by the person it affects) without any idea that it's coming.

I'm sure she feels awful now. Unlike others, I don't think you should expect her to apologise. She would probably think that she'll make it even worse if she tries.

Some, like your mum, can respond quickly, confidently and appropriately. I wish I was one of them.

ElizaPancakes · 21/06/2019 16:11

I’m so sorry.

I agree with Arya. I think as you normally have a good relationship she floundered for words. I think your DH should have told her.

eggsandwich · 21/06/2019 16:14

I think she may well of reacted differently if her son had told her and not you.

Original poster

Supernovie · 21/06/2019 16:14

That is until I found out that my MIL was using it as gossip fodder

That's awful! :(

And that's part of the reason we kept it private; also I really didn't want to be told 'relax and it'll just happen' or 'eat a tonne of pineapple'.

A friend was (openly) TTC and all she'd talk about for 6 months was ovulation, cycles and hormones. I didn't want to sound like that, and luckily she conceived on month 7 so still I kept quiet as I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable around me while her pregnancy progressed.

Her DS turned 1 last month, he's so gorgeous. Now she talks nappies and sleepiness nights, but I get baby cuddles while listening!

OP posts:

LL83 · 21/06/2019 16:16

Your mil was insensitive but if she doesn't have form for being deliberately rude/mean I would assume she was upset and babbling and give her a second chance rather than assume she can't be relied on.

Yanbu to be upset at her reaction.

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