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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at MIL's reaction?

52 replies

Supernovie · 21/06/2019 15:15

DH & I have been together 8 years (married for 4) and have been trying for a family since we married.

Long story short, we found out recently he has issues and I have issues, so it's very, very unlikely we will conceive naturally and assistance is not available in our case.

We didn't tell anyone we were TTC so we get the usual comments from family 'when are you two finally going to settle down' etc. Actually had someone say 'your ovaries aren't getting any younger'. But whatever. Comments had been increasing from both our mum's so we decided to tell them.

I took my DM to lunch last week and told her that I can't give her grandchildren. She was upset for me, but told me life could still be great and fulfilled and we'd all get through this.

My MIL visited yesterday and while DH was walking the dog (he didn't want to be there when I told her) I explained that sadly we won't be able to have children of our own.

She said nothing for a few moments, then told me it took her 3 months to fall pregnant with DH, and 2 months with DC2. Then she started talking about how sweet her kids were as babies.

I have had a knot in my stomach ever since. I can't quite put my finger on why I'm so upset. For context I really like my MIL, I have lots of respect for her and we can happily chat away on the phone to catch up, though I don't see her often.

AIBU and being over-sensitive at her reaction? Should I let it go?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 21/06/2019 16:19

So sorry for you both. I can imagine my mum being this clueless - and she's had seven miscarriages.

I appreciate you handling it in your own ways, but now YOU have to deal with her reaction, and you are in fact responding emotionally.

In some ways its more healthy to cry in the moment than it is to hold on as you are doing. Also - possibly - MIL might have found it less awkward with her son.

redspider1 · 21/06/2019 16:22

Sorry you have to deal with this. I don't understand the pressure and expectations that all couples will a/want children and b/be able to have them.
I have no expectation that I will be a grandmother, that is my DC's choice and possibly not even possible. Life does not hinge on being able to have children. Life is full of possibilities! Good luck to you both and hope you have a wonderful future.

Pinkmouse6 · 21/06/2019 16:25

I reckon she just froze, felt awfully awkward and had no idea what to say. I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm.

Original poster
Supernovie · 21/06/2019 16:25

Also - possibly - MIL might have found it less awkward with her son.

I hadn't considered that.

She normally confides in me about anything and everything and I give her moral support with hospital visits etc so I thought we were close enough.

DH and his mum aren't emotionally close; he'd never ring her for a chat like I do. They don't hug and she's never told him 'I love you.' for example.

But you could be right, maybe she'd prefer to have heard it from him. :(

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 21/06/2019 16:25

I think she just didn't know what to say or hadn't been able to process what you said quickly. Lots of people are like this, they can't respond straight away to sad news because they need time to think about it first.

Your Mum may have picked up something already about your situation without you realising it. Your MIL is less likely too. Even if she had she may have expected to hear it from her son.

EugenesAxe · 21/06/2019 16:26

I had the same thoughts as GreenFingers - possible denial that you ‘definitely wouldn’t’ conceive, or hope something may yet happen to enable it - the talk about how long it took her to conceive being a clumsy attempt to say it wasn’t a walk in the park for them either (although 3 and 2 months is pretty quick/normal).

*She isn't lovely then is she op?
So now you know. *

This really sounds like an unwarranted MIL bash for the sake of it; bit harsh I thought.

Bitofeverything · 21/06/2019 16:28

Flowers I’m sure she is very sad for you and her son, and was hit by a whole range of emotions at once - and I can def talk absolute nonsense in those circumstances. She may also have been v sad about being told no grandchildren, so that’s another emotion in the mix (although not the most important) but might add to the chaos of emotions.

mumtobe1984 · 21/06/2019 16:30

sorry to hear of your struggles, I was in the same boat.
I do think maybe your MIL didn't know what to say to you and she was no doubt upset and disappointed for you. of course you will be feeling sensitive when it comes to the subject, I was too but maybe sweep this incident under the carpet.
I hope if you can try fertility treatment that it works for u xx

Original poster
Supernovie · 21/06/2019 16:31

She may also have been v sad about being told no grandchildren

She has grandchildren, from DH's sibling.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 21/06/2019 16:34

Some people just aren't good with talking about personal / emotional things. My mil is lovely but she just can't bring herself to talk about anything personal. It's fine mostly, just making small talk but sometimes crappy things have happened, like a relative has died or I've had a miscarriage and she's just carried on as usual and not uttered any words of support or even acknowledged the situation! It can feel hurtful but I know she's not doing it to hurt me, she genuinely has some sort of mental block when it comes to personal stuff. I remind myself that I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that will give me emotional support and that different people have different qualities. Your mother sounds like she's reacted in a loving and supportive way so rather than focus on the support you didn't get from your mil, I'd focus on the support you did get and just enjoy your mil for the other qualities she has.

Thegoodandbadlife · 21/06/2019 16:38

MILs and fertility seems to be something they never read the books on unless it’s how not to handle something. I’ll have fertility issues in the future and no chance of a biological child myself. Her response when I told her - well lots of people have to deal with issues so I don’t see why you’re so worked up about it. Well being told at 15 and have that lingering over you is hard not to and worry about all scenarios. I guess it’s how you choose to deal with it that matters. Just shrug it off and not let it get to you or do a me and let it secretly affect the relationship or openly affect it.

Sarahjconnor · 21/06/2019 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 21/06/2019 16:41

She was being a dick saying that.

Perhaps she will realise if she mulls it over.
I hope she does.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2019 16:41

I'd probably have told my DH that we would tell his mother together when he was ready. Sorry, but he needs to step up in situations like these and not place the burden on your shoulders. We've all been in tough situations where we had to dig deep for the strength to tell someone upsetting news and we've managed to do it. You're giving him a pass where I wouldn't have done, but that's your decision.

I agree with others....if your MiL is normally nice and you have a good relationship then I'd let it go as an 'open mouth insert foot' moment. People say the damndest things when they think they're being 'helpful'.

Lizzie3869 · 21/06/2019 16:43

I'm so sorry about what you've been through, OP, I've been there and it really is hard. Other people, including those close to us, can frequently say the wrong thing, I think it's because they don't know what to say and end up putting their foot in it.

I went through IVF once and it was clear from that cycle that there never would be a baby. The day after that, I went out for lunch with a friend who was pregnant. She spent the entire time complaining about her morning sickness. (I should have known better obviously than to see a friend who was pregnant obviously.)

At times like this, you definitely find out who is really there for you.

gerbilgirl · 21/06/2019 16:45

I can definitely sympathise as my mil's reaction when we told her we couldn't have our own biological children was to suggest throwing money at the problem - it wasn't the solution!

We had kept our journey to ourselves but when it started to look impossible, started to look at adoption so when we did tell family about the infertility we followed it with the news that we would be starting the process to adopt.

There are other options available if you both want children once you have gotten over this soul destroying news.

Bugs hugs in the meantime as it sucks to be told you can't have biological children ☹️

blackteasplease · 21/06/2019 16:45

I'm sorry but it was his job to tell her. Badly done of him.

Also her reaction was completely selfish and awful.

Sorry you are going throufh this.

VivienneHolt · 21/06/2019 16:53

Yanbu, she was really insensitive but also I can’t believe your husband left you to have that conversation with his mother alone?! What an arsehole!

Friedspamfritters · 21/06/2019 17:03

Ohb you poor thing op. YADNBU her reaction was very poorly thought out.

She might have just not known what to say, she might be at home kicking herself at her stupid reaction!

HappyLoneParentDay · 21/06/2019 17:09

Why did you not just say to her "That's not a very kind thing to say MIL?!"

MiniCooperLover · 21/06/2019 17:15

It sounds like she was just in denial about the situation and needs time to process it. But stop letting your DH step away. These conversations are important and shouldn't only be on your shoulders.

Original poster
Supernovie · 21/06/2019 17:27

Thanks so much for the kind replies, it's a tough situation for everyone. You don't realise that it will affect more than just yourself.

I certainly won't hold a grudge (I'm not like that anyway) but I'll probably continue to feel (maybe unreasonably) upset for a day or two, it's probably mingling in with other wounds too.

Life isn't ever easy, or as planned, is it?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 21/06/2019 17:33

It's okay to feel upset, but also it's very difficult to know what to say in response to that news, especially if she had no idea it was coming. Obviously she said completely the wrong thing, but I wouldn't assume she did so maliciously.

RickJames · 21/06/2019 17:42

Aw that's so upsetting. I'm sure she just lost the plot a bit and babbled in shock.

Sorry for your news, it's going to be a wound but there's more than one way to have a happy life. I hope that you have a lovely marriage and many other great experiences together.

I hope I haven't said the wrong thing. I just wanted to express support to you xx

Ginger1982 · 21/06/2019 17:57

I'm so sorry. It sounds like she maybe just reacted badly, especially if you've been very private about it and it was the last thing she was expecting you to bring up.

I see what you're saying about your DH but I really think he should have been there with you. Leaving you to deliver the news was a bit unfair. But what's done is done.

FWIW, we both have fertility issues but have been fortunate enough to have treatment and have DS. My DH doesn't really keep his mum up to date with things (ie treatment failed twice for a sibling) and I find it a bit weird talking to her about it, although she is lovely so kudos to you for doing it Thanks