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AIBU?

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Original poster

People only visit babies to take selfies ?!

40 replies

dontfollowmeimlosttoo · 21/06/2019 14:38

Well just that really .. since becoming a mum Iv noticed visitors ( including grandparents ) drop by n take selfies and that's pretty much it .
I always thought my own mum would offer to run the hoover round or tidy up abit but instead she carries on as normal going out for the day at the weekend n then slots in a little visit to see her grandson which is just a quick hour of cuddles n selfies ..

I really expected a little help
I'm on my own all day while partner at work .. baby is breastfed .. feeds a lot .. it's hard to do things in house I do somehow manage it but never feel is particularly tidy or nice environment to be in .

In laws don't help .. same as mum just wanna pop round for a cheeky 1 hour . Anyone else's family the same ?

OP posts:
Unshriven · 21/06/2019 14:46

I didn't expect visitors to provive housekeping/childcare.

A baby is a novelty, but unless you ask outright, no one is going to volunteer to clean your house.

It's a baby, not a terminal illness.

BarryBarryTaylor · 21/06/2019 14:50

Depends on the person. My MIL took tonnes of selfies with DD, which in one respect was great because it gave me a break but also annoying because I felt like me and my baby were just here to facilitate her social media.
My mom on the other hand made casseroles and changed the bed sheets and took the bins out and was really practical. But that’s just the type of people they are, my mom can’t help herself. It annoys the hell out of me now Dd is 4, but when she was newborn it was amazing.

IShitGlitter · 21/06/2019 14:50

Not one person offered to clean my house with both of my children. Used to get up feed baby then sterlise bottles do dishes then throw wash on and hoover around every morning. Just do the bare minimum but i dont see why visitors should do your housework....to be honest i wouldnt want them to anyway.

InezInez · 21/06/2019 14:51

No one owes you anything. You can pay a cleaner or sitter to help you out. Why would you expect your friends or family to do this for free? I would never show up at a friends place and just start cleaning or cooking.., I would be there to see the baby. (And I would def bring a gift for the baby too)

Megan2018 · 21/06/2019 14:56

It might be generational - but there is no way my family will be taking selfies, they wouldn't know how! (but we are in our 40's and both sets of parents in their 70's).

My family aren't local but when they visit they will definitely run around helping, that's how they are. Friends wouldn't though - that'd be weird!

bridgetreilly · 21/06/2019 15:00

I wouldn't be expecting anyone to offer, but if you are struggling to cope, it's fine to ask your mum if she'd mind helping a bit. Either doing housework, or holding the baby while you shower or whatever.

Florencenotflo · 21/06/2019 15:01

When we had Dd MIL was ready to come in and take over all household duties, cooking etc. I think she was slightly disappointed that we didn't need much help because DH is a functioning adult.

My mum however just wanted to come over and rock baby to sleep 😂 which was very sweet but she got into a habit of coming over quite late, letting Dd sleep on her for a couple of hours, leaving us at 10pm with a newborn that now wanted to be awake!

No one is there to do your housework etc but if you are finding it hard right now, then ask. My mum would happily have taken a load of washing with her or run the hoover round, but I need to ask. That's how we are.

NorthEndGal · 21/06/2019 15:04

If you need help, you need to ask.
If it appears you are managing, and they don't hear differently, why would they the think you wanted them to come and do your housework?

GPatz · 21/06/2019 15:06

We don't hear from my SIL most of the year, but when she sees DC, it's all selfies and #bestauntie.

MAXnot73 · 21/06/2019 15:09

You expect your visitors to do your housework?

Why?

Feelingwalkedover · 21/06/2019 15:15

No can honestly say no one came to my housework after any of my four children were born.
Sadly ,because like you I could of done with the help.
Why don’t you get a cleaner for a couple of months ,just while baby is little .might be money well spent x

harrypotterfan1604 · 21/06/2019 15:22

The first few months after having a baby are very difficult.
If your struggling then can you ask your mum? My mum came round most days after dd was born and wanted to constantly cuddle her but that was fine it gave me an opportunity to shower or throw a wash in. If I needed her to do some other things then I’d have asked her.
I wouldn’t have accepted help off anyone else though

Pipandmum · 21/06/2019 15:25

It would even occur to me to ask my parents or in laws to do that sort of thing when my children were small. Just put the baby down and get on with stuff. Try and get a feeding schedule going. And if you can afford it get a cleaner in a few times.

JellyBaby666 · 21/06/2019 15:33

YANBU to wish you had some help and support, YABU to expect people to know you need help if you don't say. I know my mum would come over and hoover, do the dishwasher etc, but my DB & SIL wouldn't think to offer, but not because they don't care. If you feel like you need more support, say something! Or outsource what you can - ie, a cleaner even if for a few weeks. Money well spent IMO. Or, if you wish, get a lovely wrap sling so you can potter around the house and your baby is comfy and with you and you're hands free!

Snog · 21/06/2019 15:39

I don't think it's usual for people to volunteer to help with housework but if you want help it's absolutely fine to ask for it.

M00nUnit · 21/06/2019 15:39

I'm feeling like a really crap Auntie now, in all the time I've been to visit my nieces and nephews I've never offered to do any of my sisters'/brother-in-laws' housework. I just play with the children and chat!

PinkSquidgyPig · 21/06/2019 15:40

I didn't expect any of my family or visitors to do any housework. However I knew they all would. I did the same for them when their kids were small. I was the last (by 10-15 years) in my group of friends to have a baby. I have cooked meals, cleaned, ironed and done laundry. I babysat in the evenings. I encouraged mum to take a shower while I stayed with tiny babies, I took little'uns out for a walk/ to the playgrounds to let mum snooze for an hour or two. My friends have done similar kindnesses for me.

And it's lovely to do and experience. So I'd encourage people to do it. It's always well appreciated. It's part of what long-standing friendships are built on.

But, OP, this may not be how it works in your social group. There is one friend in my group locally who never does anything at anyone's house. It seems to be normal to her. An ex BF of mine was the same. If it wasn't his house he never helped out. Different folks, eh?

EssentialHummus · 21/06/2019 16:22

I’d always offer/volunteer - I have a young child, I remember the very early days, when I go to meet the baby I always bring a hot meal and some fruit/chocs, and try to do something other than coo over the baby. I find it very bad form when people don’t.

Original poster
dontfollowmeimlosttoo · 22/06/2019 20:26

@Unshriven I just find it strange that my own mother asks me what time baby will be napping so she can avoid that .. she just wants to see him alert and that's it . She will come for one hour eat what I make not even took her chair back in at the table ... then can see I have washing out to do etc but will just sit and watch me look after the baby but not do a thing . Not saying it's an illness but I have heard many people say their mums come over and help out but mine just sees the baby for an hour

OP posts:
Original poster
dontfollowmeimlosttoo · 22/06/2019 20:29

For goodness sake I obviously meant my close family not just distant relatives and friends .

I have heard so much from people saying their mums do abit it washing or whatever

My mum comes for an hour to see baby and won't even come if he is asleep . Wants him awake and that's it wouldn't dream of doing anything in the house to help me about when he is napping . I am just saying it's annoying when mother in law and mother sit and watch me breastfeed when they could help with something t

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 22/06/2019 20:34

Do you ask them to help out? If you’re the type to get offended over little things (which to be honest you do seem to be on this thread) then they may not want to get stuck in for fear of offending you. If you want help then ask them to do stuff for you.

Pinkmouse6 · 22/06/2019 20:36

My MIL does this. She has only visited four times since DS was born seven months ago and I think she only comes to get photos of him then leaves. She’s not actually remotely interested in him, only holds him to get a photo then gives him back. It’s so bizarre. No doubt the photos then go on her Facebook and everyone can see what a loving Grandmother she is Hmm.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 22/06/2019 20:41

Firstly, congratulations! Newborns are effort and you’re probably tired so try to forget about the nonessentials.

They’re your mother and mother-in-law, if you need help just ask them. Most wouldn’t want to ask in case they come across as rude. Yes your mum sounds oblivious to your struggles but presumably she didn’t do anything in your house before.

Try to use the hour visits to do the things you need to do and don’t create more work for yourself than needed. It’s hard, the mess can get to you so try and get your husband to do the housework and cooking. He can prepare you a plate of food for lunch and breakfast before work. I’d be more angry with him that Mother’s for not pulling his weight.

Bambamber · 22/06/2019 20:41

My parents and in laws are like this too. The purpose of their visits was to interact with the baby. But then I had no expectations of them doing my housework for me, I never knew that was a thing?

If someone wants to cuddle the baby for an hour, hand the baby over and go for a nap.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 22/06/2019 20:43

But yes the selfie only visits irritate me too! Got a friend who plasters my baby over her SM.... despite me saying not to. Honestly no idea how she gets the photos now, I watch her like a hawk 😂

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