To ask what you'd do if you thought a friend was lying about being seriously ill

[ncdforthistoday]

Long time MNetter but Nc'd for this as really wouldn't want to be outed.

I don't want to give details which are identifying in terms of describing all the symptoms, drugs and investigations which I've been told about but I'll be clear enough to get the point across -

A long term friend has been telling me and other friends that she's seriously ill, terminally so. We know she had a history of drug abuse and believe this is still ongoing. The diagnostic tests for the illness would be positive for both the illness we've been told about and also certain drug use. I've researched that very carefully and am sure of it.

It feels as though the complaints about being ill are attention seeking behaviour in that if you don't respond, they escalate and the illness is suddenly more serious/soon to be fatal.

It is completely possible that the illness is real but I'm very doubtful and I feel awful at times for thinking this. She does have a history of telling people different things about her life, which also makes me suspicious here.

I have heard of people with made up health problems who claim they're terminally ill before (not personally, but I've heard about it happening) and I don't know what to think here.

What would you do in my position? I feel as though if it's all a lie, then maybe she needs help as in a different kind of help to the physical treatment she's saying she's getting, but a decent friend doesn't lie and have their friends worried sick about them. But then if it's true I feel like a terrible person for doubting her

Hi everyone- I posted this yesterday but not sure if it showed up on the threads

A family member told me he had cancer. I am afraid to say with his history of repeated BS we just talked over him! Every time he mentioned it we ignored it and talked about something else! Stopped mentioning it...
The day after his apparent surgery (testicle removal!) he was wrestling on my floor with a dc. I took a pic to remind me of his joke!
Maybe offer to accompany your friend to an appointment and watch her reaction?

Offer to go and support her at her next appointment? If there is an app for treatment etc then you have your answer?
Then if it is true then you have been a good friend and offered your support.

Offer to go along with her to an appointment or, if you think it warrants it contact her GP and tell them your concerns. They won't be able to tell you anything, of course, but if it is all a lie they'll then have the information, and, possibly, be able to put some help into place. But I would only do that if I was pretty confident in my thoughts.

A lesser approach would be to ask to read the information her consultant has given her so that you can be as supportive towards her as possible. If she has information readily to hand you know she's not lying. If she doesn't it's not a clear sign she is, but it could be a possibility.

It is the boy who cried wolf scenario.
Once someone is a bullshitter it is hard to tell.
My ex boss sold his business, he was very lonely and often popped in, he told us he had cancer, he was a bit of a waffle nut he died 8 months later.
I wouldn't pull her up on it or cast doubt, if she is lying it will come it.
I think people who lie about these things have MH problems along with attention seeking issues.

But not nut.

I'd ask myself what I'm trying to achieve by knowing. If she's lying about it would you call her out on her lie?

Would you be her friend regardless? If so - it doesn't matter

Its sickening someone can lie about terminal illness. Friend or not. has anyone raised suspicions from those who know?

Thank you to everyone who has replied - I have never seen any paperwork but I've seen some medication which would be for the condition (but the drug use could have been mistaken for the condition in the diagnostic test). I've offered to come to appointments but always been fobbed off and I think others have too

Can you find out when she's next supposed to be going for an appointment and follow her?

I’d try and catch her out. Get someone else to enquire about her health and see if the stories match up or if she stumbles.
Make up something like “I heard that medication can cause piles how are you coping with it?” See her response.

Are you absolutely sure your research is correct? I'm not sure that street drug abuse would throw a test result for e.g cancer

Hi,
As you doubt your friends story I would just be generally caring but without going overboard. As pp suggested let her know you will always try to be available to accompany her to appointments. She may get the feeling you don't believe her and if it's untrue tone it down.

If she says she needs money or care tell her you are happy to sit with her and help her CHECK that she is getting everything she is entitled to in terms of benefits and care (she would need to provide evidence of any condition and her doctors details).

Personally as long as you don't give too much time/effort/ no money and aren't aware of her ripping anyone off I wouldn't necessarily cut her off if it comes out as a lie. Just tell her you aren't surprised and you doubted her story anyway but think she must need support if she is pretending to be ill.

I would be very careful here OP, I am not sure the digging and 'researching' you're doing reflects very well on you really, even if you believe you have positive intentions.

I am a private person who was diagnosed with a life limiting, largely invisible illness that has left me unable to work. I have lost an awful lot of friends and family because they believe they know better about how I'll I am, have decided I look fine so am lying, or that my symptoms don't make sense to them so it is not what I am saying, so on as infinitum really. I go to the hospital alone or with my DP, I decline offers from friends as it's a long wait, boring, and they lack the background knowledge to understand a complex set of illnesses, I visit the hospital at least weekly so feel I don't need support, it is a routine thing not a huge deal, to a chronically ill person. There is no more to it.

I take a number of medications for 'off label's purposes, as prescribed by consultants. So if you were to pick one up and google it with the intent of catching me out you would not necessarily get a match. Many medications have uses other than what their primary purpose or invention is.

You do not have a medical degree, and have not seen her medical notes. I can understand why it might be a cause for concern but her health just isn't your business. I am not sure how the friendship would benefit either of you if this is the dynamic of it, it seems a toxic situation in which you are over involved.

If she has lied it may eventually come to light. Obviously that is something she shouldn't have done but IF she had, clearly there would be a mental illness at play. That does not however, mean she hasn't got her faculties- I would really step back and query why you are policing this so heavily or feel it is your job to do so. If you are close, and care, be honest with her, but be aware what you are accusing is deeply offensive, as is playing detective in peoples business behind their back- so you may not get a welcome response.

I suspect you know this though and that's why you haven't. I don't think you can accuse her behind her back,research her, google things you've seen and draw conclusions, and at the same time pretend you haven't. The friendship has zero trust, and presumably would be over if she were lying. Do yourself and her a favour and focus on other things. She can come to you if she needs help.

I don't quite understand the OP part about the tests being positive for both. If this person is lying then she probably hasn't has any tests or seen a doctor. Or are you saying she is fooling the doctors too?

I did have a friend who was lying about being sick (not terminally ill though - in this case a moderately serious but treatable condition). I didn't want to go along with it or confront her. So I took the path of acting like it was no big deal and also common knowledge that she was lying. I told her in a calm way "be careful friend because your stories are really getting out of hand, someone might actually believe you one day and then they would find out and you'd be embarrassed."

I'm guessing the doctors would know if the symptoms could also caused by drug use, and then check for that when diagnosing? Is the GP aware of her drug use history?

Also, could it be that the drug use has caused the illness? So both could be true? e.g. if drug use causes liver problems, and the illness causes liver problems, nomatter the cause she still has liver problems, so...

I'd just like to be clear on a few things about why I'm so suspicious -

She had a history of telling outrageous lies a few years ago and I'd hoped that she'd grown out of it.
She's had (and it appears still has) a serious drug problem. Unfortunately she's had a lot of money out of one of our other friends who has been trying to keep her afloat because of various stories about why she's been denied benefits. I wouldn't think it any of my business beyond showing support, except for being bombarded with messages about it and whenever I offer any practical help such as to take her to appointments, to look at what the doctors have said and go for second options, or with benefits applications she goes quiet on me.

It's not cancer, it's something unusual and the reason why the test would show positive when drug use is concerned isn't because of the drug, it's something that's elevated in the blood because of a common contaminant in the drug. I researched it myself when I became suspicious after she'd contradicted things she'd said and have spoken to two doctors who are hospital consultants who's specialities would cover the condition.

She previously mentioned a doctor had refused to treat her because of the drug use problem and that they were mistaken and she was going to sue them.

I feel that if she's chosen to lie to get attention, which is what it looks very like, then she needs counselling and to see a therapist. I'm feeling very drained from the constant demands for support and I find it exhausting. I care about her and I want her to get better, but if that means seeking mental healthcare then I want to try and help her do that.

I have a couple of friends who I believe have health anxiety. I also have another friend who appears to have health anxiety, but is in fact seriously ill.
The two who have health anxiety are always very certain about their diseases, having consulted Dr Google, and these diseases are always serious and worrying. They always end up having extensive tests and investigations which come back with literally nothing, and the disease is never mentioned again. One could regard them as liars and attention seekers, but both truly truly believe that they have these awful conditions and behave accordingly.
It is very wearing, and it's hard to be sympathetic, but it's not their fault.

You are not a detective. It is not your place to investigate.

What dontgobaconmyheart (eggcellent username) said.

is your friend Daniella Westbrook?

Not really an actual friend is she? This doesn't sound like a friendship dynamic. More like some person that hangs round with you for reasons nobody has ever been entirely clear about.

I wouldn't do anything. People who lie about such things are depressed and deranged but she might be telling the truth. Either way there's nothing you can do except go on being a friend.

Don’t feel bad for doubting, having a drug addiction and a history of dramatic lies combined with her needing money but refusing help for things like getting benefits etc all start to add up. You aren’t a bad person for thinking that maybe this is addiction and not the illness to claim. Lots of ex drug addicts are the first to admit they would of done anything to feed their habit including stealing and lying to loved ones

It's hard what to think. OTOH if she has medication for problem X then there is a chance she is telling the truth, OTOH being gifted money is a massive red flag.

I would share my concerns with friends, perhaps offer to help her navigate the benefits maze and need to see the paperwork to do so. Being turned down for benefits is no guarantee of lack of illness, I used to do welfare work and I saw people who were extremely ill turned down.

People who are terminally ill and have a life expectancy of less than 6 months get high levels of disability benefits at high rate fast tracked. Of course if the terminal illness would be a long term one this would not apply.

Keep your bullshit detector at high alert, especially if she starts asking for money.