To ask what you'd do if you thought a friend was lying about being seriously ill

[ncdforthistoday]

Long time MNetter but Nc'd for this as really wouldn't want to be outed.

I don't want to give details which are identifying in terms of describing all the symptoms, drugs and investigations which I've been told about but I'll be clear enough to get the point across -

A long term friend has been telling me and other friends that she's seriously ill, terminally so. We know she had a history of drug abuse and believe this is still ongoing. The diagnostic tests for the illness would be positive for both the illness we've been told about and also certain drug use. I've researched that very carefully and am sure of it.

It feels as though the complaints about being ill are attention seeking behaviour in that if you don't respond, they escalate and the illness is suddenly more serious/soon to be fatal.

It is completely possible that the illness is real but I'm very doubtful and I feel awful at times for thinking this. She does have a history of telling people different things about her life, which also makes me suspicious here.

I have heard of people with made up health problems who claim they're terminally ill before (not personally, but I've heard about it happening) and I don't know what to think here.

What would you do in my position? I feel as though if it's all a lie, then maybe she needs help as in a different kind of help to the physical treatment she's saying she's getting, but a decent friend doesn't lie and have their friends worried sick about them. But then if it's true I feel like a terrible person for doubting her

Your update makes it sound way more suspicious...

My advice would be to offer emotional support/empathy but not financial support etc

My other advice is to follow your instincts

As above, yes terminal illness means automatic entitlement to fast tracked benefits

Sorry to write 3 messages. Just wanted to add that if she does have the drug problem, no amount of emotional support around the fake illness will solve that. She will need to admit it to herself and take steps herself to seek treatment. That is not something you can do for her, especially if she is not being honest about it in the first place. At this point I'm assuming this is more about feeding the habit.

That sounds very wearing. I can see why you are nervous to actually confront so just be non committal I guess. I have had to do this with a friend who exaggerates well pretty much everything, it’s not go quite as extreme like a terminal illness but it’s things that can’t really be checked about her kids’ health. It’s extremely tiresome and I am annoyed with myself for falling for it for so long, but now I just make vaguely sympathetic noises rather than get too involved and she has calmed it down a bit, however I think she’ll always do it to some extent, it’s just some people’s personality.

If she struggles with the truth and addiction I imagine she has rewritten the narrative to suit her version of events.

So, let’s say she has a drug or drink issue and her liver blood tests were abnormal, the doctor would probably warn her that she needs to address these issues as she is at risk of cirrhosis, cancer and a whole raft of nasties. She dislikes this advice so alters it to, ‘you have cirrhosis which is completely unrelated to your addiction but we are not offering you treatment.’ So she’s a victim who is ill through no fault of her own and the doctors are both wrong and evil.

I would stay out of it as much as possible and use similar statements such as, ‘I’m sorry you’re not well, let me know if you need help with hospital visits or treatment.’ Researching and trying to catch her out is pointless. She probably really does believe she’s ill in a muddled and incoherent way. And on one level or another she probably is.

People who have addictions will lie. They might not mean to, they might feel horrendously guilty for doing so, they might even believe their own lies. But lie they will.

I’ve realised quite a few colleagues are bullshitting about illnesses/pregnancy/miscarriage previously. I haven’t tried to prove them wrong though, I’ve just not got involved emotionally and remain detached.

Does she have family? I'd be asking how her mum, dad, sister brother etc are supporting her?
Just to try and ascertain if everyone has been told this lie.

I'd ask about the prognosis...

Or I'd just say I have some personal family stuff to deal with and might be off the radar for a while. That gives me the opportunity to pull back from the friendship.

@dontgobaconmyheart perfect answer !

Any update?