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Original poster

To be filled with dread at thought of DD aged four starting school in two months?

27 replies

FE2019 · 20/06/2019 19:08

I'm posting here for traffic so apologies to anyone who finds this really annoying.

I have a DD who has just turned four. She has the most horrendous separation anxiety and it manifests itself in making her physically ill. She started nursery when she was three but we were advised after just four weeks to take her out because she wasn't ready. We tried again and the same thing happened. And she hasn't been ready since.

She's due to start school in September but the school she will be going to has refused to let her do mornings for the first term and let her build up to staying for lunch and then the afternoon, unlike our other local school which was our first choice but we didn't get in to,

I've tried talking to her about school, encouraging her with all the normal tales of what fun it will be etc and this week I left the room at a toddler group we've been going to for 18 months, I literally waited outside the door for 5 mins, and one of the other mums came and found me with her because she was so hysterical she couldn't speak and kept telling me I had left her. The other mums were shocked at how badly she reacted and one even asked me if something terrible has happened to her to make her so scared of being left.

What do I do? Do I defer for a year and gradually work on her going to nursery several times a week and 'building up' to school. Will a year make a difference? I don;t know what to do :( Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 20/06/2019 19:10

I would definitely be referring and trying to find some form of play therapy to help work on the issues with her

FusionChefGeoff · 20/06/2019 19:10

Deferring obviously

Hairyheadphones · 20/06/2019 19:13

Contact the SENCO at the school and ask them if she can be on reduced timetable, I honestly don’t think it’s an unreasonable request. Explain that your DD has an extreme reaction to being left and you all need to work together to help her.

Hahaha88 · 20/06/2019 19:13

There's no way I'd be putting her in full time school if she's like that. I'd defer and start her in a nursery

MustardScreams · 20/06/2019 19:15

Defer, definitely. And then get in touch with your gp urgently to discuss a referral to find out the root cause of this.

ReganSomerset · 20/06/2019 19:17

There's a group on Facebook called 'flexible school admissions for summer borns'. Go on there- you'll get lots of advice from people who know lots about the options.

Karlwho · 20/06/2019 19:21

Firstly, sorry your little un and you are going through this!
She doesn't legally have to start school at four, so it's a real shame she can't ease into school by doing mornings, and gradually staying longer. Is there anyway you could attend school with her at first and start by you leaving a bit earlier/waiting outside the classroom? Idk if that's even feasible, so sorry if its of no help.
Are there any kids at the school that she 's friends with that will watch out for her and help her settle?
My kids have never been bothered about leaving me lol, and I HE so they're glad to be rid of me on occasion haha.
Must be horrible for you both. I hope you get something sorted.

MissMooMoo · 20/06/2019 19:23

The school don't have to agree or give you permission about part time. It is your legal right to send her part time until she is CSA if you want to.
You just inform the school that she will only be attending mornings until she is CSA.
you can also apply for a reception start at CSA if you want to,being summerborn is enough.
The facebook group mentioned is fabulous.

mondaysaturday · 20/06/2019 19:25

I would defer in your shoes, 100%. Get her used to nursery, build her confidence and independence a little, maybe look at some professional help. She has the rest of her life to go to school and it sounds like it would do more harm than good at this stage.

cestlavielife · 20/06/2019 19:27

Go to gp get a referral to a play therapist or other to work with her and give you ammunition if you need to request referral.

cocomelon23 · 20/06/2019 19:28

Is she ever without you? Does she go to bed on her own, do you pop to the shops and leave her with her dad?

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2019 19:30

Are you a stay at home mum? Is there some way you can start spending time apart from her?

IceRebel · 20/06/2019 19:37

Has she always shown such high levels of emotion? Or did it all start after beginning nursery?

If the former, did you have any strategies in place to try and ease it before starting nursery?

bridgetreilly · 20/06/2019 19:39

A year or even 6 months can make a HUGE difference to this. I would just not send her at all until January, tbh. And then you can tell the school that you have a legal right for it to be part-time until the end of the year, whether they like it or not.

Soubriquet · 20/06/2019 19:40

I wouldn’t defer as it could mean a whole year of this reaction and could then be carrying on and starting again.

I would however be saying that until she is 5, so legal school age, she WILL be attending part time

Bringonspring · 20/06/2019 19:47

You still have a couple of months before sept which can make a big difference. Do you leave her? Eg with her dad/gran parents?

For my DS we printed out a photo of the school/teacher etc and talked about it looks/bedtime before he ended up going

Original poster
FE2019 · 20/06/2019 20:18

Thank you everyone.

Just to answer some of your questions....

I am currently a SAHM although I did return to work full time when DD was 10 months old until she was 3. She doesn't remember this and thinks Ive always been at home.

She has a very close relationship with her dad (DP) and adores doing things and spending time with him. We are together.

She spends time with grandparents without me/us.

But, she does still sleep in our bed every night, we put her in her own bed during the night but she always crawls back in because she 'misses us and doesn't like being on her own'.

The separation anxiety seems to have started from going to nursery. She's always been very emotional but nursery seemed to tip the balance. She only attended three sessions a week but she would hide at home and then sob before going and we had to wait and calm her down before going in. The nursery said she would ask repeatedly for us to come and get her. We also had to pretend we would sit in the car outside so we were 'outside' as she couldn't bear us to go any distance away from her.

Thank you for the fb group info, I've just been on and asked to join the group.

I didn't realise the school don't have to give permission for her to attend part-time, I had no idea I could insist. I think they do have a SENCO so I will call them tomorrow and ask for a meeting. I'm going to make an appointment with GP too and see if we can get some help that way.

Unfortunately she doesn't have any friends starting the school at the same time although she is very friendly and socialises well, so long as we are there too.

OP posts:
IceRebel · 20/06/2019 20:25

I did return to work full time when DD was 10 months old until she was 3.

Where was she when you were at work, but before starting nursery at 3? I would be very surprised if she didn't remember you being out at work, as it was so recent prior to her starting at the nursery.

Original poster
FE2019 · 20/06/2019 20:30

At the time we were really lucky both nans pitched in and had a day each and DP stayed home as he's self employed and wanted to look after her and at that time I earned more than him. I was then made redundant so he went back to work. I know I;m also surprised she can't remember.

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 20/06/2019 20:32

Not every primary school is open to deferring, so you might have to fight if you want to start her in 2020 instead.

One of the mums who had an August born and was due to start alongside my son had a huge fight on her hands to defer him. Lots of meetings as the school had never agreed to it before. She did eventually get her way and he has nearly completed reception and she’s so glad as he’s doing quite well now.

AbbyHammond · 20/06/2019 20:34

Did you sneak out and disappear at the toddler group or did she know you were going?

Tallgreenbottle · 20/06/2019 20:35

Defer and reapply to the other school.

Original poster
FE2019 · 20/06/2019 20:41

Abby This is quite outing but oh well, She talks about not feeling brave a lot and so we had discussed for weeks when she felt brave enough I would join the other mums outside and watch through the window whilst she takes part in a ballet class, something she loves. When she felt 'brave enough' she told me to watch through the window, so I gave her a big hug and told her I was really proud of her and I would be just outside.

OP posts:
Original poster
FE2019 · 20/06/2019 20:42

SheShoot the school she's meant to be going to is really against deferring they've told me in no uncertain terms.

OP posts:
nimski · 20/06/2019 20:43

Miss Moo Moo is right, they can't make her go full time until she's compulsory school age, it's up to you if she just does mornings. Definitely get in touch with SEN at the school for support- Do it now before they break up for the hols and you can't get hold of anyone x

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