To ask if alcohol oils the wheels of your friendships

[HamptonLucy]

My DSis (mid 40s) is lovely and gregarious. Lots of friendships - some from school days, work, friends in couples that she shares with her DP. Looking at her Facebook page she's out sharing a bottle or two of Prosecco with a friend or at the gin bar with girls from work or having a beer whilst on holiday either with DP or friends.

And I wondered, how big a part alcohol plays in making friendships easier? I'm not being judgemental btw I just don't like alcohol much and I rather envy the easy going, laughter filled friendships my DSis and other people enjoy over a glass of wine. I can have a good chat over a coffee but it's just not the same!

A huge part. My DP also works in a business which revolves around alcohol and I've met many friends through it. Basically our social lives revolve around going for an alcoholic drink!

I think it does. Not because my life revolves around it at all (it doesn't).

But I do think that a few drinks and the slight lowering of inhibitions as a result, have played quite an important role in moving some of my friendships from "good friends" to "really close friends". Just because it helps us talk about things that are a bit personal or uncomfortable to bring up, but that sharing those conversations and our experiences make our friendships closer.

When I am close friends with someone, I don't find alcohol necessary at all. But "oiling the wheels" is a really good way of expressing how I think it helps friendships become and stay established. It's not essential, but I do think it's helpful.

It definitely doesn't with my friendships as quite a few of my friends are tee-total.

My friendships can flourish through long periods of sobriety.

It probably does help lowering inhibitions and bonding in the earlier phases of friendships.

There are also a lot of superficial friendships out there that revolve mainly around alcohol. They tend to crumble when one of the group changes their habits e.g. pregnancy/ parenthood.

It definitely plays a part.

I have one friend I don't see any more because she only wants to go out drinking, I can't do it midweek anymore and she can't do weekends. She doesn't want to meet up for coffee etc but I'm not sure if that's about me or her.

The friend I most enjoy spending time with is a big drinker. I love our drunken "put the world to rights" conversations but we still enjoy each other's company sober, just a bit less so.

I really don't enjoy a large group gathering without a drink in me and I'd rather not go on a night out than be the only one not drinking.

Even date night (yuk but you know what I mean) with DH is better if we share a bottle of wine.

That said, I have another group of friends who I cycle and run with and we very rarely drink together and thinking about it, those are some of my favourite days out.

What I will say is, photos are far more likely to end up on facebook when the group's been drinking, so people probably think a lot more of my social life revolves around drinking than it actually does.

This voting doesn't make sense. Of course it's not unreasonable to ask whether alcohol fuels social get-togethers! The OP wants to have a discussion on whether or not people believe it does. So what's YABU/YANBU going to actually answer?

YABU/YANBU to ask to discuss this?

YABU - alcohol DOESN'T fuel relationships?

YANBU - alcohol DOES fuel relationships?

What a load of nonsense. Sort it out admin!

On the one hand alcohol gets me out of my she'll a bit as I can be a bit quiet . On the other hand I haven't drank much in a few years and still have some friends.... a lot of like in the UK revolves around going out for a drink I think (now I have a baby so an excuse not to!)

I agree the voting doesn't work because your AIBU is about asking the question, not what the question is.

In answer to your question, I think it can do a lot. I stopped drinking about 4 years ago and I certainly socialise far less (I also have hearing problems which means I struggle in noisy situations like bars). I would love to do something for my birthday this year but not the pub so I don't know what instead.

I sometimes wish I still drank but |I get such awful hangovers even after a small amount of booze I just can't bring myself to.

It did when I was younger and I think it helps you to quickly establish a friendship because it eases initial self consciousness, but it’s not a huge feature of my established friendships nowadays.

Not at all now as I very rarely drink but a massive part from 14-32!

This is not an aibu question, just one of hundreds a day on Mumsnet. Why the voting buttons?

nope - I go out for meals and boozy nights with my mates but I also see them 1-2 a week running or at boot camp - which is how we all met many years ago - so it's more exercise (and swearing, laughing at our pain and keeping each other going) as much a drink that keeps us mates

I drink socially but my friends don't. We have fun together but at certain gatherings/events the conversation stalls or is a bit boring*. I know we would have more fun if we had a couple of drinks. Obviously I never voice this thought.

And agree with pp, "date night" is a lot more fun if it involves splitting a bottle of wine. My DH and I used to have a glass of wine each every night with dinner, and we laughed and had nice conversation. We've now cut out alcohol (to lose weight) but unfortunately dinner is nowhere near as fun.

• yes I know only boring people are boring and all that. Well I am a boring person, I freely admit that.

Question should be in chat

Not a massive part.
I go out with my mates mountain biking and mountain/ hill walking and finish off in the pub afterwards but not necessarily to have alcohol, usually a couple of pints of lime and soda.
We ho to the gym together and again sometimes pub afterwards.
We usually have house gatherings. Drink is available and we often have a few.
We do drink on holiday but not excessively so.
One of our friends will have a drink when out in the pub in the evening but will then order a hot chocolate.

How can we even vote on this?

Wow being U?

*who's

Thanks for replies.

I can go on a long dog walk and chat to a friend because we're doing something. Once the walk ends, so does the chat. My DSis (who isn't a lush btw!) can spend a whole day then into the evening with a friend starting off with lunch and a bottle of something then onto a cocktail bar. And I just can't imagine being so at ease - and having so much to talk/laugh about - with someone or a group of people!

Agree about the voting button. The thread is genuine but I enabled the vote to demonstrate to MNHQ how it's a daft idea. And this is as much an AIBU as the majority of threads in this topic (another thing that needs sorting!)

I think that if you need alcohol to be friends with someone, you aren't really friends. But it's perfectly fine to have a drink with people and enjoy their company in that way.

I have literally no idea what to vote.

I think when/if you get pregnant, that's always a good measure of if your friendships are based around alcohol or not.

When my other half found it she was pregnant, it was ridiculous the number of nights out, dinner dates etc we had to turn down because they all would have involved alcohol and we were before the ' telling' stage.

I don't have one teetotal friend. My closest friends and I aren't massive weekly binge drinkers or anything, but there is no way it would be the same if one or more of us didn't drink. Basically, everything we do now our meetings or less due to outside pressures, involves having beers at some stage.

I agree GoodbyeRosie. When I was pregnant I found out that I still loved being around my pissed friends and still had a right crack.
They said I made a good sober friend too.

It used to play a big part in my friendships when I was a teenager and I'd say into my mid to late 30s, because I used to go out a lot more at night.

But now I tend to socialise during the day and I've never drank alcohol during the day, as it makes me tired.

So I'd say nowadays food (going out for lunch) and coffee play a much bigger part.

I have got to agree that the vote thing is confusing.

What is the question? Is the OP being unreasonable to ask what?

I can't vote for YABU or YANBU because I don't know what they're asking. Sorry I am very confused.

I voted YANBU on the basis that no-one can possibly be unreasonable to ask a question

I agree, it's weird though.