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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if alcohol oils the wheels of your friendships

42 replies

HamptonLucy · 20/06/2019 12:25

My DSis (mid 40s) is lovely and gregarious. Lots of friendships - some from school days, work, friends in couples that she shares with her DP. Looking at her Facebook page she's out sharing a bottle or two of Prosecco with a friend or at the gin bar with girls from work or having a beer whilst on holiday either with DP or friends.

And I wondered, how big a part alcohol plays in making friendships easier? I'm not being judgemental btw I just don't like alcohol much and I rather envy the easy going, laughter filled friendships my DSis and other people enjoy over a glass of wine. I can have a good chat over a coffee but it's just not the same!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 20/06/2019 16:53

Voting probably only works for a smal percentage of AIBU posts as very few are unanimous and / or a simple yes or no (YANBU or YABU) answer.

I know you do get the threads with 10 pages of people in agreement (usually the OP isn't taking it onboard) but even then voting seems pointless?

I just don't get it. So if 100% of posters say YABU, does the OP change their mind???? Confused

As for this thread, voting is nonsensical.

And yes alcohol does play a factor in my friendships, less so now we all have kids though.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 20/06/2019 16:56

When I was younger I used to put a lot of emphasis on how much I drank/could drink as it somehow made me feel better about myself/feel more confident like I fit in. I made lots of friends (always been shy) but they were mostly superficial friendships not meaningful ones. Got less friends now but they’re better friends and so am I.

notacooldad · 20/06/2019 17:27

Voting probably only works for a smal percentage of AIBU posts as very few are unanimous and / or a simple yes or no (YANBU or YABU) answer.
Voting is ridiculous on AIBU because people use this topic aa a way to get traffic when their questions are really for chat.
Eg AIBU to ask you if you like milkshakes? I'm happy to discuss the topic but theres no reasonable or not about it.

shockthemonkey · 20/06/2019 17:33

I have the vote function and voted YABU because I recognise the role alcohol plays in my social group. It's not huge but it's there.

I'm not sure I voted correctly because the wording of the AIBU (title vs text box) confused me -- YABU if you think that alcohol should have no part in social interactions, or if you're looking for honest validation that it shouldn't, YABU also if you're inclined to judge those who use alcohol socially... however if your AIBU is as the title says, simply "AIBU to ask this question?", then of course YANBU.

shiningstar2 · 20/06/2019 18:06

I can enjoy a conversation over a coffee and also over a tee total lunch when everybody is driving. However I must admit there is something different about the dynamic meeting up for a chilled glass of wine or a gin and tonic.

Asta19 · 20/06/2019 18:12

God yes!
I have friends I met mostly through work. Lovely people, and I value their friendship. But...they are very different people to me. If we were sat there in front of a coffee for an hour I think we'd all be bored stupid! Drinking lets us all chat shit and not care about the calibre of the conversation!

Original poster
HamptonLucy · 20/06/2019 19:49

Of course, I could just be socially inept and alcohol wouldn't rectify that!

OP posts:
SlackerMum1 · 20/06/2019 19:55

I don’t think its really about alcohol for most people. Probably rather just that people who are naturally outgoing people people are more likely to be the ones with an active social life, lots of friends, happy out with crowds. And a lot of that activity will take place in bars, restaurants, clubs etc. Nothing wrong with being more introverted - for w lot of people taking lunches and loud bars are their idea of hell.

Camomila · 20/06/2019 20:01

Not a lot, most of my friends are mums of toddlers and we either meet up in the day with DC along or if we meet up in the evening no one really has more than 1/2 drinks due to breastfeeding or not wanting to be hungover when they wake you up at 6am.

In our younger days we drank a lot more/partied etc but we aren't really at that life stage atm.

bourbonbiccy · 20/06/2019 20:02

I think with one group of my friends, yes it made a big difference. It also highlights that they were not truly friends but good acquaintances - as soon as I stopped drinking and had my DS didn't really see them much.

I still have friends from 15 years ago that it makes absolutely no difference wether I or them have a drink or not to be around them, we chat and laugh for hours.

Then I have the new circle of friends that come with being a mum and they are brilliant and we all don't drink at our meetings as we normally meet in the day and have the babies with us, some will have a glass of wine when we have meals out.

mummyhaschangedhername · 20/06/2019 20:03

I am tee total. I still go out and get invited out with friends even when it involves alcohol. I think it’s more about what you’re up for than actual drinking to be honest.i am usually up for most things.

Janus · 20/06/2019 20:06

Doesn’t with mine either, I have friends who rarely drink and I love being with them and friends who do drink and love being with them! However, I go whichever way they do, if with the ones that don’t drink I’m happy not to if I’m with the ones that do I tend to drink a little too much!

Original poster
HamptonLucy · 20/06/2019 21:06

I don’t think its really about alcohol for most people. Probably rather just that people who are naturally outgoing people people are more likely to be the ones with an active social life, lots of friends, happy out with crowds. And a lot of that activity will take place in bars, restaurants, clubs etc.

Good point - certainly describes DSis - but I wonder how many introverts it helps.

OP posts:
EarlyBird39 · 20/06/2019 21:16

No! And I absolutely HATE that alcohol seems to be mandatory in every family and friends get together event! And if you mention you're the weirdo Hmm

Saracen · 20/06/2019 23:45

I agree with Bingo:

"I do think that a few drinks and the slight lowering of inhibitions as a result, have played quite an important role in moving some of my friendships from "good friends" to "really close friends". Just because it helps us talk about things that are a bit personal or uncomfortable to bring up, but that sharing those conversations and our experiences make our friendships closer."

That's how it is for me. Once I'm friends with someone, I don't need the alcohol anymore. I don't drink much.

PrincessCarolyn · 21/06/2019 00:28

I'm not a big drinker, so no. When I meet friends we sometimes have a glass of wine, more often a coffee, and it doesn't make a great deal of difference. If I felt bored by the conversation unless we were drinking, it wouldn't be much of a friendship.

Where I do agree that (a moderate amount of) alcohol oils the wheels is at boring occasions like work gatherings or weddings. As PP have said, many friendships exist to facilitate drinking, so I wouldn't necessarily be envious of your DSis. If every single interaction with a friend involves alcohol, it's hard to know whether they're there because they like you or because they just don't want to drink alone.

HairToday79 · 21/06/2019 01:12

Yes I agree, I probably wouldn't see my neighbours or some of my friends if it wasn't for a case of 'having a glass (few bottles) of wine together.
I'm dreading the lonely heath kick looming

🙄

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