To expect stbxh to take a week off work in summer holidays

[clpsmum]

I've asked my stbxh to take some time off work during the summer to spend with his children and to give me a break. I asked him to take a total of three days off. He's point blank refused and I'm so angry but not sure if my anger is justified!

Your anger is totally justified, but probably pointless. You are well rid of him.

I suppose it depends on why he said no.
Mainly thought, if he is that kind of a tool, be glad you are rid of him

Does he usually take time off in the summer? Not defending him, but I don’t know many people who could get leave in the school holidays at this point in the year

Yanbu to expect your fathers children to do a % of the childcare in the school holidays. Has he had them on his own for full days before or has it always been you, joint or childcare?

He can take time in the summer if he wants to he just doesn't want to. His reason for not having them was that he wouldn't know what to do with them. I told him to do the same things I'm gonna have to do for six weeks on my own! He has them for a total of 20 hours a week (sat 3pm-sun 11am).

His parents paid for him and two or my three children to go away last year but as they're not paying this year he's not taking time off.

Feel your pain, having same problem here!

@Notcool1984 we are definitely better off without them

Remember this next time he asks you to do him a favour and rearrange the schedule or whatever, and say no.

Yanbu. This sort of thing really pisses me off because ultimately it'll be you (mother) that has to find a solution/compromise/bend out of shape. This happens so much and with such frequency even in families where the parents are still very much together.

How lovely, another parent that doesn't wish to parent and think it's only the woman's responsibility.

Sorry to hear OP, your children will see what you have done for them as they get older.

If he ever asks for you to change his times etc, feel free to say no and make him stick to arrangements.

You're right I shouldn't be flexible with him in the future if he's it prepared to help. I'm just so angry and tbh a bit Hirt and offended that my children's own father doesn't want to spend time with them

**hurt

Yanbu.

Unfortunately you phrased it as to give you a break. He doesn't want to help you his ex.

I wonder if you had phrased t as the kids really want to see you whether it would have been a different outcome.

Are you on good enoigh terms with his parents/the grandparents to ask then direct if they cab help out?

@OKBobble I didn't phrase it like that when speaking to him. Not on good terms with his parents, they don't speak to me at all. Living here and have no family whatsoever and they decided to cut me off when we split. You've hit the nail on the head though, he doesn't want to have them because he's scared I'll get some time to myself. Doesn't realise it's the kids he's hurting too

Poor unwanted kids. What a great father he is.

Unfortunately as the main carer you don’t get a say - it will always be down to you. Even when it’s his time to have the kids, if he refuses it’s down to you. From experience it’s best to accept this and concentrate on you and the kids and having a great life together. He may realise he’s missing out on not having those extra nice times with the kids, he may not. But you focus on the kids, don’t expect to have a life (for a while) and make the most of it. They grow up so fast. It will come soon enough, your time will come, and you will have an amazing relationship with your kids and amazing memories.

Oh but yes he is being a selfish knob, there’s lots of them out there

Thank you @Snowy111 what a lovey thing to say.

Thank you everyone you e made me feel better and realise that IANBU.

Mine tried to pull that one. I calmly stated I’m dropping DD off on X day for 2 weeks out of her nearly 8 weeks off in the summer, and that’s his problem, he had a year to get ready for it. He threatened to inform SS for abandoning my child. With...her father.
I laughed.

That’s the same twat that, when informed I’m in A&E with DD, said something on the lines of: she’s your responsability, my responsability is to pay the maintenance. DD had sepsis. I didn’t need him, I just thought he’s her dad, he’ll want to know. I said I’ll tell DD her dad sends his £120 a month maintenance instead of a hug and reassurance (I didn’t, btw, I said daddy was busy).

So, anyway OP, I’d warn him then drop the kids at his work at the end of the day. That might spur him into actually taking some annual leave.

He sounds like a knob and your children will realise it one day

I'm forever bending over backwards to make his life easier and this is going to stop now. Going to arm myself with responses for when he wants to change plans etc

My ex is the same but this year I have persuaded him to take 2 weeks off, wether he will actually have the kids is a whole other story though. He’s never had them over night or for more than one day a week so I’m not holding my breath.

@SeaSidePebbles how awful. They're disgusting. They seem to think of themselves as babysitters not parents.

He works away mon-fri so unless he arranges leave I ca t just drop them off

I am a decade in to having an ex who insists on never taking any leave in the summer hols. I think he started doing it to piss me off so then I never asked again. He uses his leave for himself and his new family not his DC