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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect stbxh to take a week off work in summer holidays

64 replies

clpsmum · 19/06/2019 20:22

I've asked my stbxh to take some time off work during the summer to spend with his children and to give me a break. I asked him to take a total of three days off. He's point blank refused and I'm so angry but not sure if my anger is justified!

OP posts:
YouWhoNeverArrived · 20/06/2019 07:32

The thing is, as resident parent there's very little you can do about this. Even if you went to court, a court can't force a father to spend time with his kids - the order would just say you have to make them available at certain times, not that he is obliged to have them.

Presumably you're getting a CMS payment which reflects the number of nights per year he has them? If not, make sure you're getting the correct amount of CMS, so you can use it to contribute to the cost of holiday childcare.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/06/2019 07:37

Was he a hands on father when you were together ? Presumably so as you had more than one child with him. Is he sticking to other access days?

You can't make him have them in the holidays if he refuses. Maybe As he works away five days a week and you don't need him to cover childcare whilst you work (you say it's just for a break) he thinks work is more important. Most people don't get an awful lot of annual leave.

cdtaylornats · 20/06/2019 07:39

So he will get the child allowance for the extra days then?

PoesyCherish · 20/06/2019 07:39

Maybe As he works away five days a week and you don't need him to cover childcare whilst you work (you say it's just for a break) he thinks work is more important. Most people don't get an awful lot of annual leave.

I agree with this ^^

YANBU to ask him however I do think YABU to expect him to if he's never done it in the past.

codemonkey · 20/06/2019 07:53

So is he going to tell his children why he doesn't want to spend time with them in the holidays or is he leaving that up to you to manage?

Original poster
clpsmum · 20/06/2019 07:54

No I'm a SAHM so don't need to cover childcare. Would quite happily reduce CM payments if I were to have them more. I'm more angry that he doesn't want them than that he's not having them if you know what I mean. I always feel like I am forcing him to have a relationship with them and that's what's upsetting. Why on earth wouldn't you want to spend time with your own children.

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 20/06/2019 07:56

He gets plenty of annual leave btw. Last year he took the whole of December off and did nothing. Rushed out to shops day before Christmas Eve to buy the kids some gifts. I just think it's sad he's rather take a week off and sit around in his flat doing nothing than spend a few days with his kids. I expect nothing from him anymore tbh

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 20/06/2019 08:03

I have been there, main carer to 2 son's who are just about to leave uni.
Ex walked out to live the single life 8 years ago and has spent very little time with them over the years. I have had no contact with him over the years apart from seeing him in court multiple times. I have a very close relationship with them and basically put my life on hold. You reap what you sow I say, it will be worth it in the end.

TheClitterati · 20/06/2019 08:04

He sounds like a loser all round. Sadly you
Might just have to lower your expectations op.

I consider 50/50 split of holiday time fair.

EleanorReally · 20/06/2019 08:13

why would you want your dc to spend time with him ?

EleanorReally · 20/06/2019 08:13

i understand it is upsetting.

Original poster
clpsmum · 20/06/2019 08:14

@EleanorReally good point. I'm getting to the stage that I think they're completely better off without him. Unfortunately they think the sun shines out of him

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 20/06/2019 08:15
Sad
Hopoindown31 · 20/06/2019 08:18

Look, if he is not doing this off his own bat then you, his ex, asking for a favour isn't going to make him do it I'm afraid.

Original poster
clpsmum · 20/06/2019 08:22

@Hopoindown31 you're right. Just upsets me sometimes that my family are so far away and the family my kids do have close by aren't bothered about them. Think I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself!

OP posts:
SupermassiveBlackHo · 20/06/2019 08:35

Bloody hell. Just tell him that they are off for six weeks over the summer and he needs to arrange care for them for 50% of that time, seeing as he is 50% their parent.

Why do people put up with these men?

PonderingPanda · 20/06/2019 08:41

@SupermassiveBlackHo - and what do you expect the OP to do when he has said no?

PonderingPanda · 20/06/2019 08:43

OP - l certainly would not be covering for him in regards to the children. So if they asked if they are seeing their Dad over the summer I'd tell them the truth - no, he was offered but refused.

VenusOfWillendorf · 20/06/2019 09:01

Have you considered moving closer to your family? If you don't need to live where you are for work, and their dad isn't bothered about seeing the kids anyway? Of course he SHOULD be - but you can't force it, and they WILL notice that he doesn't want to/can't be bothered about seeing them - particularly if he's nearby.
You are right - they should have family closed by that are bothered about them if that's possible. Sounds like isn't happening where you are now.

Missingstreetlife · 20/06/2019 09:05

Why doesn't he take them and put them in holiday scheme, there's loads of great activities, not all horribly expensive. Get him some leaflets or send him links of cheap days out, camping holidays etc. He lacks imagination.

Amibeingdaft81 · 20/06/2019 09:08

Remember this next time he asks you to do him a favour and rearrange the schedule or whatever, and say no.

FFS
Why would the OP want to lower herself to his standard

They are going to be in each other’s lives forever. He may change with time. He may remain a twat.
Either way, the OP doesn’t d to lower herself for tit for tat. If her children want to spend time with him then positive thing to occasionally be flexible even if he is not

Pinkmouse6 · 20/06/2019 09:13

I teach so have the majority of the six weeks off, my ex uses this as his main excuse not to have them over the summer. In reality, he just can’t be bothered. He’s never had them any extra during any of the school holidays, I’m used to it by now. He has them for six hours one day at the weekend for reference.

PoesyCherish · 20/06/2019 09:14

I just think it's sad he's rather take a week off and sit around in his flat doing nothing than spend a few days with his kids.

How is this any different to you not wanting to see them for a week? After all, you're not saying you need him to cover childcare, you're saying you want a break from them.

timeisnotaline · 20/06/2019 09:17

I too would drop them at his work, smiley faces and they’ve looked forward to seeing you, I’ll pick them up in 3 days. I would tel him he can book the time or i will assume it’s all equal which 3 days and I will just drop them at a random day that suits me. If he doesn’t have time off he will be at work so I’ll know where to find him.

Amibeingdaft81 · 20/06/2019 09:18

I too would drop them at his work, smiley faces and they’ve looked forward to seeing you, I’ll pick them up in 3 days. I would tel him he can book the time or i will assume it’s all equal which 3 days and I will just drop them at a random day that suits me. If he doesn’t have time off he will be at work so I’ll know where to find him.

The advice on here is appalling

This is doing nothing other than dragging the children in to drama

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