Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be relieved DH has left...will I feel worse as time goes on?

39 replies

Neverender · 19/06/2019 19:58

My abusive, unemployed, lazy husband has left.

AIBU to feel a huge sense of relief and zero desire to ever get back with him? I haven't even cried and I'm not sad.

Is that normal? Will I continue to feel like this, or suddenly feel like I've lost something?

It's so weird...I'm sad for him as he's fucked his whole life up and we have a DD (who he's never been mean to), so I'll make sure they have contact, but I'm just sooooo glad he's left!

OP posts:
Teachtolive · 19/06/2019 20:01

I think you can absolutely be relieved that hes gone. When people are holding you back it can feel freeing to see them gone but yes, it could catch you off guard at some point and you may feel upset intermittently for what could have been, or sad for your daughter that she hasn't got a dad at home. Ultimately you know that it's the right thing though and that's fantastic comfort. Best of luck with your new life, I hope it's full of wonderful things for you!

EeeSheWasThin · 19/06/2019 20:01

I asked my lazy alcoholic ex-H to leave and have felt nothing but relief since.

Good luck with your new life!

Sicario · 19/06/2019 20:03

Good for you, girl. It's a bloody massive relief isn't it? I remember breaking down a few weeks/months later and feeling utterly heartbroken that I was so mistaken about this man. Then going through the various stages of grief.

But still - bloody best thing ever, best feeling in the world, and here's to the start of the rest of your life.

IndieTara · 19/06/2019 20:09

I felt nothing but relief when XB and I finally split.
Unfortunately he then turned into a stalky, twatty arse

honeygirlz · 19/06/2019 20:17

Congratulations!

Sounds like you stayed with him partly out of a sense of pity?

Could it be that you subconsciously knew the marriage was on borrowed time and you had already mourned the end of the marriage while you were with him?

PonderingPanda · 19/06/2019 20:19

Once l got over the initial WTF when XH left for OW, l can honestly say l couldn't be happier!

I did have moments where l was sad, but that was more to do with how he treated the DC then him leaving.

He really did us both a favour by leaving - him as he has met someone he is better suited too and me because l feel so much more relaxed now I'm alone.

Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 20:19

It's the strangest feeling.

Thankfully I have a stable home, a brilliant job, a fantastic boss and I'm doing an MBA part-time.

I just feel like all of the bad things, the things I didn't like about my life have gone...poof!

Maybe I've spent many months getting 'over' this. He hasn't had a job since October last year and I've done everything I can to help him. He started doing casual work and gave me about £50 a week. Didn't help in the house at all. What a joke!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 19/06/2019 20:20

I'd suggest that in fact you are doing very well. I was a state when I finally booted exH. That said, emotions are illogical things so you might randomly one day next week/month find yourself by the avocados in Sainsbury's and feeling a bit teary. In the mean time, well done you! I absolutely understand that massive sense of relief!

Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 20:29

PonderingPanda that's the word, relaxed! Thankfully he's lovely to our DD, just vile to me.

honeygirlz I've cried so many times before that it feels like I've taken off a really tight paid of shoes. I do think I was trying to save him from himself and now I don't have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 20:29

If anyone sees a sobbing woman at the avocados then I'll have outed myself! Wink

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/06/2019 20:32

That relief will just carry on OP.

Make sure you keep firm when he starts sniffing around you again. IME those types just wait it out and assume they can come back once you stop being mad. Might take a bit longer if they're in another bed though.

Good luck.

Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 20:37

gamerchick I highly doubt anyone would have him. I like to think I'm a strong woman and I think men that are weak cling to us.

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 19/06/2019 20:39

I've never once missed my EA ex. I felt as you do, waiting for the relief to be replaced by sadness bug it never happened. Good riddance, and enjoy!

Buunylover · 19/06/2019 20:40

I was in same position as pondering-panda, ex left me for OW. It felt weird at first and I was very upset. As time went on I realised how unhappy I had been for ages and it was the BEST thing that could have happened as he isn't a nice person at all. I really couldn't care less about him now and it only lasted a few months with OW. I've never been happier, good luck to you OP.

cheeseislife8 · 19/06/2019 20:40

*But, sorry

oneforthepain · 19/06/2019 20:58

Emotions can be funny, unpredictable things. Whatever you end up feeling when, just be kind to yourself. I do think any grief you feel will be for the dreams and hopes you had for the relationship.

Normal is whatever you end up experiencing.

Does sound like you're managing well and are in a good position.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might equip you to handle any future game playing or attempts at control/manipulation, especially around contact with your DD. He may not have been unkind to her, which is obviously a blessing, but abusive men don't have qualms about using their children as a tool to abuse their ex. And he may have had a more subtle impact on her that they can help you unravel and address.

It's information, not therapy: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk Knowledge is power and all that.

Hecateh · 19/06/2019 20:58

Well done you
I never once missed my ex as a person
There were times moments of sadness that my plans/dreams/expectations were not to be. That my children's father would not be in their everyday life. Etc. etc.
When If you feel sad or upset, just ask yourself if it is him you are missing or just 'what might have been' and based on my experience it will mostly be 'what might have been.

pointythings · 19/06/2019 21:13

What you're feeling is normal. You detached from him emotionally long before you left. It happens. I felt very much the same when my alcoholic H was no longer living with me and DDs - though I had him removed by police after he threatened to kill me, so slightly different situation.

I sometimes feel sad about the way he wasted his life and what he allowed the drink and his choices to do to him, but I accept that it was his responsibility. And then I get on with enjoying the life I now have with my two wonderful DDs, who feel much the same about losing their father (he died last year).

Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 22:52

oneforthepain thank you, I have done it. I already knew what kind of abuser he was. It's kinda fucked up. Maybe because I'm older I know more and feel more confident in myself and how other people are? I don't know.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it as I never ever thought he'd actually leave and was terrified of how awful I would feel if he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 22:55

pointythings woah, yes. I am also 99% sure DH is an alcoholic. He's been told that he's damaged his liver but continues to drink to excess. I hope you enjoy your girls for every ounce of fun they bring you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 22:56

And he was removed by the police for assaulting me. Thank god.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 19/06/2019 22:58

Honestly I left mine a year ago, I’m
Sad that I lost my home, but I have a new one now, which is so much more than the old one.

It’s been 11 months, I’ve not missed him once. I haven’t cried over leavin him and felt nothing but relief.

But I have cried for myself that I let it go on so long and didn’t love myself enough to leave earlier

Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 23:02

Freddiefox it's ok to cry for yourself. I've lost my home before and it was traumatic, to say the least. This is small fry in comparison. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 19/06/2019 23:03

I don't feel like I've actually lost anything...because I haven't...

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/06/2019 23:04

Congratulations, how wonderful for you.

Enjoy the liberation!