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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be relieved DH has left...will I feel worse as time goes on?

39 replies

Neverender · 19/06/2019 19:58

My abusive, unemployed, lazy husband has left.

AIBU to feel a huge sense of relief and zero desire to ever get back with him? I haven't even cried and I'm not sad.

Is that normal? Will I continue to feel like this, or suddenly feel like I've lost something?

It's so weird...I'm sad for him as he's fucked his whole life up and we have a DD (who he's never been mean to), so I'll make sure they have contact, but I'm just sooooo glad he's left!

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/06/2019 23:06

You'll have sad moments ahead OP. They will be about the loss of hope. Hope that he would step up and be the man you and your DD deserve.

You will not regret being rid of him though.

Strength, love, peace and prosperity to you and all posters who have stopped being leeched off by abusers.

Shouldbedoing · 19/06/2019 23:12

Never missed my selfish and disengaged ex. I danced for joy. Occasionally get angry that he gets to reinvent himself and live a virtually child free life but I won the prize - 2 beautiful (squabbling ) kids.

motherofcats81 · 19/06/2019 23:13

I don't think it's weird at all. When a relationship has been awful for a long period then of course it's a relief. When I finally ended things with my ex - an emotionally and ultimately physically abusive arsehole who I had cried over a million times - I had a couple of good cries for what might have been (the happy picture of marriage and family that I'd held on to even though it was far from the reality) but largely, yes it was blessed relief - no more tears, no more rows, no more trauma, all the pain suddenly gone. It's extremely freeing.

You will have your moments most likely, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling relieved - you enjoy it! The best is ahead of you, well done OP.

Someone9 · 19/06/2019 23:20

Well done OP! Your thread is giving me hope.

AgeingDurannie · 19/06/2019 23:22

PonderingPanda... I could've written your post... it is exactly how I feel... my only source of upset two years on is when he mucks kids about re contact. I am much happier on my own....

Freddiefox · 19/06/2019 23:27

*Neverender

Freddiefox it's ok to cry for yourself. I've lost my home before and it was traumatic, to say the least. This is small fry in comparison*

Thank you, it’s all good though because I got rid of the waste of space lay about, and have never felt sad about leaving him.

GabsAlot · 19/06/2019 23:31

Glad hes gone dop but how is he a good father that he had to abuse hte mother of hhis child and get arrested

Mumsymumphy · 19/06/2019 23:34

YANBU to feel relief, it sounds like you've been through the mill.

Any sadness/grief you feel in the future will be for what COULD have been, how it SHOULD have been (it must have been good in the beginning and will be mourning that 'feeling'). You will be grieving for that, the 'loss' you will feel will be for could haves/should haves. But not a 'loss' of him. You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

PregnantSea · 19/06/2019 23:36

I felt like this with my physically abusive ex. The ties weren't as strong for me as they are for you because we weren't married and we didn't have kids, but we did live together for a couple of years. When I left him I felt so free and happy. After a rocky few weeks of trying to figure out a living situation and job in a new city I felt the happiest I'd felt in years. I did not miss him for one single second after the moment I walked out. And all these years later, if I bumped into him now, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. He means nothing to me and all I feel is mild embarassment that I wasted all that time with such a twat. I don't wish he was dead because I don't care enough.

I think you can leave an abusive relationship with no regrets. It isn't always that the woman keeps going back and pining for him (although this is sadly the case sometimes). Sometimes she's simply had enough of his shit and is very happy to be rid of him.

Cath2907 · 19/06/2019 23:52

I was relieved for 24hrs, numb for about 72hrs and then incredibly sad for a couple of weeks. Not sad that he’d gone but sad that the relationship I thought we would have when I married him 12 years ago never really happened. Then I got a lawyer, flogged the house and got the divorce done. Am pretty happy now, new house, fresh start and divorced 6 months on.

MakeItRain · 19/06/2019 23:56

In my experience, the more years that pass the (even) more wonderful it gets

PonderingPanda · 21/06/2019 05:23

@AgeingDurannie - mine is two years too. I actually feel like I'm living again. I have done so much in the last two years, thing's I'd have never have done if I'd been with him still.

Because he has....or currently as he is now working these particular weekends the OW has ..... the children EOW l actually get more time to myself then l did when married as previously he was always out biking and running (with her!).

imnotcheryl · 21/06/2019 06:04

I felt nothing but glad that my ex was gone. Never felt a moment of regret. The only thing I felt was pissed off at myself that I didn't get rid of him sooner.

AgeingDurannie · 21/06/2019 06:39

PonderingPanda...exactly so! when we first separated , a friend who'd been through the same told me to make sure I spent time doing exactly as I pleased when he had kids... even if that was doing absolutely nothing on occasion! I've followed that advice... it's been particularly lovely to be able to spend more time with friends or family. When we were together I always tried to keep weekends relatively for him to spend time with kids and I as he worked away during the week.... (which of course is how he ended up with the OW) ... it meant I rarely saw friends or got time to do my own thing and it is very lovely to get the chance to do so now. Although, to be honest, it's equally lovely to spend time with the kids on "my" weekends, and I'm often secretly pleased if he cancels contact....

That said, he does have a habit of cancelling contact/ wanting to drop kids back early whenever I have something particularly special planned... or on one occasion when I had to have day surgery! Thankfully I have great support from my family (and his) and have learnt to have a back up plan in place on these occasions....

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