Husband out getting stoned on our anniversary

[MilesJuppIsMyBitch]

Dh and I are NOT in a good place.

I recently told him I was going to leave him if he didn't deal with his addiction issues and abusive behaviour. (Low level but wearing).

He's referred himself for addiction support & seems to be desperate to stay married.

Given the above, AIBU to expect him not to spend the evening of our 20th wedding anniversary at a friend's house? A female friend?

She's married and I don't suspect an affair. Her (lovely) husband will be there, and they'll all be smoking marijuana together.

I've never posted on AIBU before, but I think I'll be bizarrely comforted by 'my husband and I don't even acknowledge our anniversaries: grow up" type posts.

Just trying to distract myself from how depressed I feel.

his addiction issues and abusive behaviour. (Low level but wearing).

Life is too short, ditch him. Problem solved.

LTB

My and DP dont even know the date of our anniversary, we did make one up a few years ago but keep forgetting it.

However, it's clearly important to you. Get rid OP.

I'm kind of in limbo wrt leaving. I've said I will go to marriage counselling if he deals with his addictions. This was me playing fair and giving him a chance.

I mean, he might not be getting stoned (although he always does), but I'm so fucking sick of his lack of care.

Oh dear, I'm sorry, I find myself unable to give the desired 'my husband and I don't even acknowledge our anniversaries, grow up' response. This was your TWENTY YEAR anniversary. He already knows he's on thin ice. He's paying lip service with having signed up for addiction support. This sucks. Really and truly sucks.

Somehow DH always seems to be travelling for our anniversaries, it's a bit of a standing joke. But we acknowledge them. And celebrate them when he gets home, even if it's just going out for a drink, or making a nice meal.

Thanks mboznz. We exchanged token gifts this morning, so there has been acknowledgement, but I know that there will be no actual meaningful time spent together unless I do all the running.

Thanks for the sympathy. It's making me tear up, but is also nice.

Have you said you wanted to spend the evening with him and he's gone off?

User

I'm pretty sure you'd know the date you got married and how many years married. You don't have a wedding anniversary.

There's no way I'd put up with this, he knows your feelings on the matter.
Are you sure ther isn't a threesome going on there?

And a tissue.

For the love of God don't put any country music on and stay away from the gin. . .

Unless there is some compelling reason he needs to see his friends tonight, on your anniversary choosing his friends over even a simple evening at home with you is very telling.

My XH has low-level addiction issues too. He chose partying with his friends over and over.

By the time we got to marriage counseling it was too late. There was no chance I was going to trust him going forward. I also started to see what my life could be without him and it was amazing.

That’s outrageous behaviour on his part.

If he really gave a single fuck about you or your marriage, he would not be out getting stoned on your 20th wedding anniversary.

His words are bullshit. Believe his actions.

We had our 7th the other night. There was a party I really wanted to go to, all my friends were going and I haven't seen them in months. I didn't go because it was our anniversary. 20th?! I'd leave dh foe that if I'm honest.

solar gain, no I didn't tell him. Mainly because I know it wouldn't make any difference, & I'm not feeling strong enough to take the rejection.

RomanyQueen, well I can't be sure, but I'd say it's unlikely.

Thanks mbosnz. Listening to thrash metal
& drinking red bull.

Purpleartichoke that's heartening, thank you. Always good to hear from people further down this path.

Off to wash dd's hair now: back in a bit.

My and DP dont even know the date of our anniversary, we did make one up a few years ago but keep forgetting it

Well, no. You're not married. Why would you have an anniversary?

it was in the news today that it's Prince Edwards and his wife's 20th anniversary today. did you get married the same day.
anyway; I'd leave him for being a druggie, can't stand druggies and the money they waste.

We genuinely don't celebrate our anniversaries beyond one of us saying "It's our anniversary today!" and the other saying "So it is!" Where did 25 years go?" However, this is by agreement and started because we used to be too poor to even buy cards. We mark the occasion in a small and loving way, but that isn't what's happening here.
It's really shitty of him to go off and spend the evening with someone else when he is supposed to be working at saving your marriage. Adding the (probable) drugs into the mix just adds the wankery icing to your non-anniversary cake.

Ask yourself this question:

If you could leave the relationship without there being any consequences, would you stay?

Bananalanacake maybe I'm Sophie! (I'm not. But then I would say that wouldn't I).

Thanks Don'tDribbleOnTheCarpet. It is shit, and really I'm being disingenuous posting on AIBU, but I felt like being an attention-whore this evening.

Sicario I would definitely leave. I probably actually will leave, and am putting things in place. But with twenty years of marriage, two children & a mortgage there's some disentangling to be done.

I do have my utterly fantastic children, so it's not been a complete waste.

It’s bullshit.

Leaving you alone like that. “Partners” care about how the other one is feeling.

This is one sided. You deserve more

Thanks Sharpandshinyteeth

Stop being nice, and being reasonable, and "giving him a fair chance"

Instead tell him he's a,deadbeat husband, he makes you unhappy, and it's time to go

(But first get your financial and legal ducks in a row. Then tell him to fuck off)

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I broke up with a stoner recently. He smoked every day and it was so wearing having to put up with all the shit that came with it. He tried for 18 months to give up but ended up unable/unwilling to, and resentful of me for asking him to.

I felt like I made all the effort in the relationship and he was just away with the fairies, emotionally and in other ways, too.

It got worse towards the end of the relationship as he moved in with another stoner (as a house mate) and they spent all their evenings smoking massive joints one after the other and then passing out. Sometimes he'd mix it up with alcohol and then throw up.

Very glad I'm not dealing with that shit anymore.

I personally feel you can't be in a happy relationship with a heavy marijuana user unless you use heavily too.

carla1983 I think you're right. I never got on with marijuana, and don't smoke at all.

DH is also an alcoholic, and while I used to drink with him, I don't any more.

What a shit evening.

I'm going to bed now. Going to bank lots of extra sleep, wake up fresh as a daisy, & make sure I do something nice for myself tomorrow.

I wish I could get a cleaner & book a spa day, but failing that, a new book & a coffee shop coffee will be nice

Thanks for indulging me in my wee misery-fest.