Or crazy to start something with an asexual man

[onestopshort]

Would I? I am quite a sexual person . He isn't but I really really like him.

Be friends with him but don't start a relationship with an asexual if you have a libido. It doesn't work.

@onestopshort

I have tried the advances , sexy underwear but he's not interested . I hide my frustrations but he is onto me I think

Oh my love this already sounds like it's going to end in heartbreak. I think you have to get your head around asexuality being a fundamental and fixed part of who he is. And you and him both need to recognise and respect that as pushing his boundaries is unfair on you both.

I'm bisexual BUT for my straight female friends it wouldn't matter how fantastic you look in for underwear (and I'm sure you do!) they just aren't sexually aroused by it.

Likewise for straight guys, even the hottest man on the planet wouldn't be someone they want to shag.

I think it's important to see it in these terms - he's not reluctant to have sex with you for any other reason than he actively doesn't want to have sex with anyone and I (like I suspect you) couldn't deal with that as sex is a huge part of intimacy for me.

Neither of you is wrong or right (and you both sound lovely) but you are not compatible relationship wise.

Thanks. I'm only recently learning about a sexuality and I see my errors now . I would hate to oressurize him

Sorry cross posted with @nosyupnorth who I think is bang on - sorry OP I know it's upsetting at the moment ☹️

The only way it would work is if you accept this is who he is.

Not trying to get him to change, or secretly hoping he will, you need to understand sex is not important to him and adjust accordingly. If you can do that, go for it. If you want physical intimacy, don’t. It’s unfair for you if you want more, and it’s unfair for him if you try to change him.

Don't be a fool

He treats you well now because you are still in the courtship phase and he knows he needs to “make up” for the lack of physical intimacy. But this could all fall off a cliff once you become more committed to the relationship.

He doesn’t want sex OP and you do - he’s making “an effort” (infrequent sex) right now but it will dwindle to nothing once you are committed. The sex you do have is not doing it for you. You need to be very certain that you can live with no sex and possibly no children without resentment before getting in deeper with this man. Are you sure you won’t feel rejected and frustrated in a few years time?

You’re doing him and yourself no favours by trying to convince yourself you can settle for a relationship that is missing such an important aspect. It’ll be less painful if you end it now.

Sorry OP, please walk away now and save yourself the heartbreak down the line.

Personally I find nothing less sexy than being intimate with someone who isn't into it.

I am figuring out wether I prefer him as a person to sex . Trying to weigh up the pluses and minuses . I can cope with little interaction now but what about the future? I can't say for sure

I want to send you both . I am asexual and married, and it is challenging. I didn't know I was asexual, so it's a slightly different situation from your man who has been upfront with you--I'd been brought up in a very strict religious household in which pre-marital sex was a disowning offence, plus I'd been abused but was obviously too scared to tell my parents, so literally had no normal sexual experience prior to my relationship with a completely inexperienced boyfriend who thankfully has a low sex drive.

I'd recommend speaking honestly to him about your feelings, needs and desires. From my perspective, I am very happy to do some (non-PIV) sexual activities because my husband enjoys them, I like the closeness, and to me it's similar to cooking a nice meal or buying a treat or giving my husband a massage - I get emotional satisfaction and pleasure from his physical pleasure, so it's not a chore. For my husband, that's enough, because I'm an active and willing participant in making him feel good (which makes me feel good if that makes sense? it's not physically pleasurable but very emotionally satisfying).

However, if you have very mismatched sex drives (even average might be very mismatched for him) and this is an important thing for you, or you think it will become so over time, then I would say it's better to break it off now for both your sakes. You don't want to feel resentful/unfulfilled and he cannot change his sexuality. No matter how you dress or what you do, he won't be sexually attracted to you - it's just how it is. It doesn't mean he won't love or care for you, but if sex is a fundamental need for you then you need to think long and hard and sit down and have an honest conversation about the relationship and where it's heading.

Thank you very kindly . I am afraid to really discuss it seriously as I believe that he would get worried about my own sexuality and feel under pressure. Right now I can cope with the lack of sexual intimacy as he quite likes physical intimacy in the shape of his and kisses .
In the beginning he avoided staying over or he always had somewhere to be first thing .. jumping out of bed . I see now it was to avoid sex .
He has said on many occasions how he is made up that I am the first women ever to be ok with his lie libido. His previous amounted to a couple of month flings here and there. I'm not sure if I'm right but I suspect they ended due to sex.
I hate that he could feel pressure to pleasure me because I know he doesn't like to really engage in those areas .

Omg stop wasting your time.

If it is works as a friendship then that is best all round.

If you want a relationship then I’m afraid it isn’t likely to last the course especially as you’re so young (relatively speaking). This isn’t like the two of you having a long relationship but the sex ending due to medical reasons etc in old age where one might be more prepared to compromise.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine and it didn’t last the distance; after many years she ended up having affairs and enormous hurt and complications were caused to several people.

Nope

I married an asexual man and it was mistake. I ended up sleeping with other men outside of the relationship because I felt so unwanted and ugly. My current OH isn't hugely sexual and it bothers me, but with him it's because of body hang ups yet he won't actively change that. There was a lady posting in the last few days who has an asexual husband and she is allowed to sleep with other people. I think any asexual person who wants a LTR needs to accept open relationships as possibilities so that they have a real shot at something meaningful with someone. It's completely possible to separate sex and feelings, and to have something special without sex.

I feel I do have something special without sex but will it be enough ?

I don’t think it will be enough sorry. It might be for the first few months, year, but your libido isn’t going to go away. You’ll end up feeling like you’re being held hostage.

Is it fair to say that an asexual person can enjoy physical intimacy at times or is it a performance ? I don't understand how a man can perform sexually or even physiologically react sexually to a woman man if he is asexual. Please explain to me .

I would love to find a man like this tbh!

But for you, no. You want sex and he doesn't. You want kids and he probably doesn't. Even if he did agree to kids you would be lucky to get pregnant with a man with that low a sex drive.
There are an awful lot of sacrifices for you in this relationship and none for him. You would have to be very sure about the benefits outweighing the losses for you.

OP just stop. These systems are automatic to a large extent, thats why a man can be raped by a woman regardless of the fact that he doesn't want to, and why a woman can orgasm from rape - it doesn't mean its what they secretly wanted, just that physical reflexes and actual desires and feelings are not all the same thing.

Your boyfriend likes hugs, it doesn't mean he also secretly wants to have sex that he's just not telling you about for some mystery reason. Believe him when he tells you who he is.

Thanks. That's what I need to understand. How can he be physically erect when manually turned on by me when he says he is asexual . I think I understand

Do you think he might be mirroring you?
Could he be telling you the things you want to hear to make you feel close to him? Are you really falling in love with yourself - a persona he has created to reel you in, which is really a version of you he projects back at you, like a mirror? This being why you feel he is perfect for you, and why you are considering living a life of no sex for him?

Be very, very careful. His type has featured on here before and the long term outcome is usually severe (relationship related) mental health problems in the woman.

I am probably stupid but I have no idea what that means @PicsInRed . He is always saying fantastic things and goes on to me about just being incredulous that he has met a woman like me who finally gets him and understands him . I guess I say that I do to keep him happy but I don't truly .I do know that I make him very happy and secure by not putting pressure on him in any area o f his life. He has free rein . I do that because I love him and unless he has that freedom and space and asexual relationship, there will be no us and at the moment he is too good to lose. I have too much to lose .

Errm no. Absolutely fine if you equally don’t want/are not fussed by sex. A complete nightmare if you’d like kids/to feel that you are vaguely attractive.

My only caveat would be if you think the man in question might just be inexperienced or lacking in confidence, which is why he is saying he doesn’t want sex. My DP initially was really weird in the bedroom because of his former long term relationship. He really lacked confidence as his ex didn’t particularly like sex. Now however he is frigging amazing. We don’t have loads of sex admittedly, but the three or four times a month we do have sex I am very very happy.

Why would things improve when there is nothing wrong as far as he is concerned?

This man does not want to have sex with you. He does not want to have sex with anyone. That's just the way he is. Chances are he's doing the equivalent of lying back and thinking of England now and again just to keep you happy. Sex is a normal part of relationships for most people. But for some it's not wanted.

If you like sex, enjoy sex, want sex...then you can't stay with an asexual man and hope he changes. He has told you how he is. Stop trying to get him to give in to your needs.