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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unhappy with life - am I being unfair

37 replies

Metagoth · 19/06/2019 16:43

I know I am lucky with my life and am grateful for what I have so don't want this to sound like I am being ungrateful or unappreciative of what I have.

I have been feeling for some time quite unhappy of my life and where I am. I am 32 in a few weeks and have been in a relationship for almost 6 years. He is very good to me and to people who knew me, they would wonder why I am so unhappy.

We are getting married in March 2020 and got engaged last year. This should be making me happy however I have felt by this stage in the relationship I would have been married with children by now. I've watched couples who have been together less time than us get married and have kids which I think added to things. My partner was aware of how I felt however only last year agreed to get married. I even chose and paid for my own engagement ring, not that these things should matter so I don't know why I am bothered about it.

I have always wanted children before I am 35 but feel by the time we are married that this pushes this back. We also live in a one bedroom house and I am not sure how we are meant to save for our wedding and afford a new house too. I earn a bit more than my partner and am obviously saving more than he is. He puts very little into our savings account saying he can't afford to. I would be more sympathetic of this as he has a lower paying job however he always has money to go away for cricket, football, abroad for a stag do and nights out.

I begin to feel resentful because I feel that I almost feel my life has to be put on hold the last few years. I feel like my partner hasn't want to get married because other friends have first and he didn't want there to be too many weddings. He also said he didn't want to start having kids until we moved out our one bedroom house yet has made no effort to contribute to a savings account.

My partner took a lower paid job last year however soon became evident that this wasn't something that was going to make him happy. He then wanted to start his own business but has made next to no effort to do anything about this. He has since got another job that will make him happier but is still lower paid. This doesn't bother me as such, but he doesn't have appeared to have given up any of his expenditure to make up for it. He seems to have plenty money to go away with friends, nights out etc yet none to go away with me. I can't even remember the last time we went out as a couple the two of us or away the two of us. Any suggestion I make is met with that it costs too much money.

I know I can't change the past and shouldn't keep onto anger I have about him . He is kind and caring but I feel sad about reaching this stage of my life with no children and feel that it may another two years before I have any. I feel I am probably not making much sense and being unfair to him but can't help but these feelings of sadness. I really don't know what to do or even what I want.

OP posts:
Nothingsuitsmelikeasuit · 19/06/2019 16:46

Yanbu - I wouldn’t marry him at all!

Have you discussed what happens about his sports/hobbies/stag dos/trips abroad/nights out when you have kids that need paying for and looking after?

Herocomplex · 19/06/2019 16:53

I’m not surprised you’re unhappy, it sounds miserable being with someone who wants different things. Is marriage important? I think you need to have a serious talk with him, but make sure you know what you want from the relationship. Are you sure he’s the right partner for you?

Finfintytint · 19/06/2019 16:53

He still wants the single life without the responsibilities of saving, economising etc.
Think I’d be looking for someone else tbh.

lilabet2 · 19/06/2019 16:54

It's perfectly reasonable that you feel concerned about this situation and upset about your relationship not progressing, as it should be.

Can you talk to your partner about his lack of investment in the relationship?

CookieDeal · 19/06/2019 16:56

It doesn't sound like he really does want to get married or start a family. To me, it sounds as though he is perfectly comfy with the freedom of being childless. If he truly wanted to start a family he'd be saving.

BackwardsGoing · 19/06/2019 16:57

You are absolutely not being silly to be unhappy with these issues. I think you need either counselling or a separation to work out how you really feel about the relationship.

Grumpos · 19/06/2019 16:59

YNBU, honestly it sounds like you have different expectations and different wants from his relationship and it sounds like you have outgrown it plain and simple.
It sounds like he’s been coasting and letting you take the lead as long as he doesn’t really have to put any effort it...which might be ok if you were happy with him in every other way, but seems like you’re not. Your resentment over children will not go away unless you come to an agreement you are both happy with ie. a smaller wedding to allow you to also save for a bigger house.
You do have time for babies, you’re not old by any means and you don’t need to adhere to an imaginary timeline. Or feel bad that you’ve not met your own deadlines.

You don’t have to have overwhelming reasons to be unhappy, it’s enough to say “this relationship just isn’t what I want”.
To be honest, I wouldn’t want someone who made me buy my own engagement ring either Confused

Perhaps take some time on your own? Have a really good think, imagine your life alone and what you might achieve without him

KatherineJaneway · 19/06/2019 17:01

It doesn't sound like he really does want to get married or start a family. To me, it sounds as though he is perfectly comfy with the freedom of being childless. If he truly wanted to start a family he'd be saving

This ^

Astella22 · 19/06/2019 17:01

Don’t let him waste your life. Have a chat with him and if he doesn’t shape up then ship out.
It shouldn’t be that hard in the engagement phase.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2019 17:01

I think your instincts are telling you that marrying this man is a HUGE mistake. I would start listening to them.

Xmr1986 · 19/06/2019 17:01

OP leave. Please leave. Please.

You only get one chance at life. Don't make this majority of yours.

Wouldn't you rather settle for knowing you tried to find something better out there than settle for him?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/06/2019 17:03

Do not marry this man.

It doesn't sound as if marriage and children are what he wants and he's just agreed because it keeps his life easy - he gets to swan off and spend £££ on sport and stag dos because he knows you're earning a bigger wage and saving more money. In other words, he's taking the piss.

werideatdawn · 19/06/2019 17:03

Don't marry him Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2019 17:07

You say he's "good to you." Really? Not from what I read in your post. He's unmotivated, clearly not wanting to get married, ignores your needs, can't even be arsed with buying you a ring, refuses to save money for your future but happily spends on himself, prioritises his friends over you, and is already making excuses not to have children.

Please take your blinders off. Don't waste your life on this man.

Drum2018 · 19/06/2019 17:07

Don't waste your time on him. He doesn't want marriage, bigger house or kids. That's evident in the fact that he didn't even bother to buy you a ring, doesn't save towards a bigger house but is enjoying the Bachelor lifestyle.
You cannot simply plan to have kids at a certain age. In your shoes I'd rather ditch him and find a guy who is on the same page as you, even if that means another couple of years before you try for kids.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/06/2019 17:09

Neither of you are wrong in what you want. But you want different things out of life. You can't expect him to change his whole life to fit your dreams any more than you are prepared to drop your dreams to fit in with his. So either you have some serious talks and decide what compromises are to be made on both sides, or you drop him and find someone else who is prepared to marry you and father children in your timescale.

Loopytiles · 19/06/2019 17:12

Some big Qs about your relationship here.

Does he want DC, and soon?

If you do decide to go ahead and marry him would do a very cheap wedding, as you have much bigger fish to fry financially.

ithinkimightbecrazy · 19/06/2019 17:13

You don't need a big house to have a baby, a 1 bed would be fine for the first couple of years.

RosieCockle · 19/06/2019 17:14

You don't want the same things - it's pretty much doomed. Do yourself a favour and end it now. Or risk being resentful for missing out on the things you wanted in life.

Rowennaravenclaw · 19/06/2019 17:14

I’m surprised at the answer so far, because I was kindly going to say yabu. Your unhappiness seems tied to a timeline you have in your mind of where you should ‘be’ by now. In my mind people who do that are setting themselves up for disappointment.

Your partner sounds like a more ‘live for today’ kind of man, while you seem to prefer a plan. A happy medium is needed.

You will be 32 when you get married next year. You can easily have children before 35! Go for them right away, the house will soon become a priority for your DP once he’s sharing a bmedroom with a toddler!

Things have a way of working out Smile x

Loopytiles · 19/06/2019 17:14

Am all for equality but not on that you fully paid for your own engagement ring! Unless you wanted something outrageously expensive.

Sounds like he’s Not That Into You. Sad

Given your age it might be better to end the relationship and seek a new one.

Loopytiles · 19/06/2019 17:15

Have you discussed ttc and housing timescales, and fertility?

Feelingwalkedover · 19/06/2019 17:27

Hummm
I’m not sure he’s the one for you...
We had kids first ,then got married after 20 years together
You have to both want the same things
I don’t think he’s bothered about moving things forward in any way at all...I’d be keeping my spare money in my own account if he wasn’t putting in the same amount

Feelingwalkedover · 19/06/2019 17:28

I think he should at least of given you half of the cost of the engagement ring ...why didn’t he?

Feelingwalkedover · 19/06/2019 17:34

Also weddings aren’t about keeping up with your friends
We had a register office wedding and a meal out after ,just us and 2 witnesses
My dress cost £10 from La redoute ..black and Lacy
But that was enough for us ,it was the wedding that mattered not the whole showy expense ,the whole thing cost less than £500.
So you could just book it for in 6 weeks and just get married the 2 of you,and start trying to conceive this month.if it was what you both wanted .ask him and see what he says x

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