Unhappy with life - am I being unfair

[Metagoth]

I know I am lucky with my life and am grateful for what I have so don't want this to sound like I am being ungrateful or unappreciative of what I have.

I have been feeling for some time quite unhappy of my life and where I am. I am 32 in a few weeks and have been in a relationship for almost 6 years. He is very good to me and to people who knew me, they would wonder why I am so unhappy.

We are getting married in March 2020 and got engaged last year. This should be making me happy however I have felt by this stage in the relationship I would have been married with children by now. I've watched couples who have been together less time than us get married and have kids which I think added to things. My partner was aware of how I felt however only last year agreed to get married. I even chose and paid for my own engagement ring, not that these things should matter so I don't know why I am bothered about it.

I have always wanted children before I am 35 but feel by the time we are married that this pushes this back. We also live in a one bedroom house and I am not sure how we are meant to save for our wedding and afford a new house too. I earn a bit more than my partner and am obviously saving more than he is. He puts very little into our savings account saying he can't afford to. I would be more sympathetic of this as he has a lower paying job however he always has money to go away for cricket, football, abroad for a stag do and nights out.

I begin to feel resentful because I feel that I almost feel my life has to be put on hold the last few years. I feel like my partner hasn't want to get married because other friends have first and he didn't want there to be too many weddings. He also said he didn't want to start having kids until we moved out our one bedroom house yet has made no effort to contribute to a savings account.

My partner took a lower paid job last year however soon became evident that this wasn't something that was going to make him happy. He then wanted to start his own business but has made next to no effort to do anything about this. He has since got another job that will make him happier but is still lower paid. This doesn't bother me as such, but he doesn't have appeared to have given up any of his expenditure to make up for it. He seems to have plenty money to go away with friends, nights out etc yet none to go away with me. I can't even remember the last time we went out as a couple the two of us or away the two of us. Any suggestion I make is met with that it costs too much money.

I know I can't change the past and shouldn't keep onto anger I have about him . He is kind and caring but I feel sad about reaching this stage of my life with no children and feel that it may another two years before I have any. I feel I am probably not making much sense and being unfair to him but can't help but these feelings of sadness. I really don't know what to do or even what I want.

I feel I am probably not making much sense and being unfair to him but can't help but these feelings of sadness. I really don't know what to do or even what I want.

You make perfect sense, OP. Your resentment is completely understandable and I don't think you're being unfair.

He says he wants the things you want but
actions speak louder than words. You've spent years waiting for him to galvanise himself into action and during that time you've had to watch your friends getting married and having babies, which you're ready for but your DP finds excuses to put off. If he wanted a child as much as you then he would be happy to forgo the odd night out or sports event to save for a more suitable family home. Are you sure he wants to be a Father? Does he understand that this is actually a time sensitive issue? Does he know it upsets you that he's imposed conditions about needing a larger home before TTC and then shows absolutely no motivation to make that happen?

My concern would be that the things about your DP that cause you so much frustration (such as his lack of ambition, his procrastination, his being irresponsible with money) will only become more of a problem if you do have children together. You need to ask yourself, do you really marry this man (as he is now and has been throughout your relationship because he won't change) or do you just feel that you have to stick with it because you've invested so many years of your life with him and you've planned a wedding?

Thank you for all the responses.

Everyone make sense. He does want to get married and have kids, I think as someone has said he is a live for the moment person. I am going to speak to him tonight and make him realise the need to save more and actually establish if he is serious about our future. I would be happy at this stage to make our wedding smaller to safeguard this.

From what you've told us I wouldn't be marrying him! You seem to have different values and goals. Not sure how you reconcile these.

Bottom line is you can't change someone.

You will be 32 when you get married next year. You can easily have children before 35! Go for them right away, the house will soon become a priority for your DP once he’s sharing a bmedroom with a toddler!
Things have a way of working out

I'm sorry but this is terrible advice. The OP is having serious doubts about her relationship, she's carrying a lot of (understandable) resentment towards her DP and says she isn't even sure what she wants. If your relationship is already on rocky ground, adding a child into the mix and hoping for the best is the worst thing you can do. Things do not just "have a way of working out" for everybody, one glance at the Relationship boards on MN will tell you that!

Agree with PP to move your savings, if in a joint account, into an account in your name only.

But have you been upfront with him about what you want from your life together? Is he aware that you would ideally want to start trying for a baby as soon as you’re married, therefore while planning the wedding you should also be saving extra, and possibly looking for somewhere new to live?

If you’ve laid all your cards on the table and he isn’t on your page you have to not marry him because you will just resent resent resent him. Forever.

You’re 30, you have plenty of time to meet someone who wants the same as you. I met my boyfriend, 2 years later I was pregnant, 2 years after we were married, one year later we had baby number two.

You have plenty more options available to you than someone who won’t or can’t put your needs at the forefront. Don’t marry someone like that. But do give him the opportunity to understand your feelings. Now is the time for total honesty.

OP it seems like your partner has been ignoring your feelings and sadness for quite some time. This isn't a great sign. Have a really hard think if you are going to be satisfied with his lack of action in 20 years - will it always sting?

Being a few years older than you (most friends are 35/36) I'm astounded by the number of relationships breaking down within my friendship group. For marriage and family to work both people have to really, really want it.

To me it seems like all of his actions are saying he doesn't want the same things as you. He could have bought you a simple engagement ring himself if money was an issue.

Please think really hard about this. Once you have a baby in the mix you really need a partner who is willing to step up and pull some serious weight and do a LOT that isn't about themselves.

Tbh op, when I'd only been with dh 6 years and had no children, I didn't have a single bad word to say about him. I have a few now
I don't think you're compatible, regardless of what happens during your chat.

Would you be willing to bring the wedding forward to this year, having a much smaller, —cheaper— day then saving hard for a deposit on a house for next year?
If you’re willing to move to a up and coming —cheaper— area you can look to start a family by this time next year.

Do you want to marry him and have children with him? Please don’t marry him out of desperation for a baby. Far better to marry the right man in five years than go through a miserable marriage.

I do want to marry him and have kids with him. I think I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't. We live already in a cheap area and have been to see a mortgage advisor about what we could afford in the future. I do think the changing the wedding is an option. Thank you all for your responses, they have given me food for thought.

Don’t do it.

You probably WILL marry him, because you’ll think it’ll still get you where you want to be faster than starting again.

I get that. But you already resent him. It won’t get better.

Wanting to marry him doesn't mean you should. I think your judgment is seriously clouded because you are so desperate for marriage and children and have a fear of starting over. Don't fall for this emotional trap. This man is NOT committed to you.