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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my DD go and stay with her dad for a few weeks?

49 replies

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 10:43

As per the title really - ExH and I split just over 18 months ago now, have 2 DD's together. Both have new partners and fairly settled. Eldest DD (9) is just so angry all the time when she is with me (I have majority custody - she goes to ExH 1/2 days per week and EOW). Keeps coming to a head and she says she wants to live with ExH.
It's not that simple though as ExH now lives a good 45mins/1 hr away and although changing schools wouldn't be on the cards at the moment, this may become the case should she decide she wants to stay with ExH permanently.
I have MH problems, which are currently being exacerbated somewhat by this.
ExH has suggested DD stay with him for a few weeks to try and get to the bottom of the issues.
I have suggested taking her to see the GP in the hopes of referral to counselling or similar.
AIBU to even consider this?

OP posts:

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 19/06/2019 10:45

I think I would be ok with it.

I would be gutted if my kid chose to live their permanently but they are old enough to decide.

If you're all on the same page then let her live there for a bit. It might be a good thing for her to miss you.
See her regularly and make the contact count.

NurseButtercup · 19/06/2019 10:47

YANBU let her go and stay with her dad and congratulations for being able to successfully co-parent. So so many sad stories on here sharing co-parenting breakdown.

jellybean85 · 19/06/2019 10:51

What about a few weeks over the summer holidays? No school change needed and can see if she really does want to live there or just thinks the grass is greener...

It may well be that she stands firm and does want to live there which will be really hard for you. Sending and well done for trying to sort what's best for her and working with your ex, it really is hard x

Original poster

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 10:52

I guess that's my fear - that she will decide she wants to live there permanently - I am worried about splitting her and her sister up as thats been the only constant they've both had since me and ExH split.
I'm so muddled up and confused about what to do for the best.
I appreciate however, that she could just as easily realise the grass isn't greener on the other side....

OP posts:

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/06/2019 10:53

Maybe hold off for the moment and wait until the 6 weeks holidays? Let her stay there for the most part and see how she feels afterwards.
Atleast there will be little disruption to her education and it will give her a reality of what it's like being there full time.

Tbh I really think I'd fight tooth and nail to have my DD stay with me but only from a selfish perspective, so well done for thinking of her wants first

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/06/2019 10:53

Sorry x post @jellybean85

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2019 10:56

Give it a go over the summer holidays.
It will be heartbreaking but you'll get through it.

PregnantSea · 19/06/2019 10:57

I agree with jellybean and misspolly that you should wait until the summer hols to do this. It's not that far now and it seems a bit ridiculous for her to be an hour away from her school.

I know it must be so hard to hear but if she keeps saying that she wants to live with her dad then I do think it needs to at least be considered.

Missingstreetlife · 19/06/2019 11:01

Hard to split your kids, that would be last resort. She is angry at split and doesn't know how to talk about it, moving her could make it worse. Organise holidays, get a break, line up some help. They do grow up eventually

bridgetreilly · 19/06/2019 11:01

Yes, let her do it. A few weeks will feel very different to the brief stays she has now. Use the time to have lots of really good time with her sister, so she doesn't feel left out. But also make it clear that this isn't permanent. You're not making any promises at this point about what will happen in the future. It's not 'if she likes it she can stay forever'. That's a decision you and your ex will have to make, yes, listening to her, but not ruled by her.

Original poster

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 11:06

I feel I should add that I have tried until I'm blue in the face to get to the root of the issues, it's not like she's said she wants to go live with ExH as a once off and I've given up on her.
My DP is bearing the brunt of a lot of this and feels he's constantly walking on eggshells.
DD always was and continues to be a Daddy's girl, and I'll never take that away from her - DP and I have always assured her that he is not there to replace Daddy as much as ExH new DP is not there to replace me. I do feel however that ExH is quite vocal in his dislike of my DP and as such DD shows the same attitude (but I suppose that's a seperate issue)

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/06/2019 11:06

I agree with trialling it (over the summer holidays if you can) if you're confident that her dad's suggestion has been made with good intent and not to stir or whatever. I know you're scared DD may want to live there permanently but you need to take your feelings out of this and do what's best for your DD. Your own mental health is important too.

ColaFreezePop · 19/06/2019 11:10

If your ex can get her to and from school then yes let her do it.

Once she realises that she can't play you and your ex off against each other and there are rules she has to obey in both houses even though they will not be the same, then she will realise the grass isn't greener. Plus she will probably miss her sister.

Also your ex should be having both girls for half the summer holidays plus half the school holidays in general. It isn't fair for you to manage childcare on your own.

Hotterthanahotthing · 19/06/2019 11:23

I think you should try it but in school time.The holidays are different and fun things will be arranged burst school other people are working and you have to mix into the routine.

Original poster

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 12:16

I don't get how this would work though, as she's still technically be with me for the same days as she is now...... I just don't know where to start I suppose.
As for ExH using this to stir things up - I guess that could be the case and I suspect that the seed for this has been planted a long while ago. He mentioned this morning that she has something in her head that keeps cropping up and becoming an issue, maybe this is what he's getting at as now he's being rather vague and first suggestion was that she goes to him for a few weeks with the reasoning that this would be better than the issues keep getting worse and she decides point blank that she wants to live with him.
I get that a 9 year old cannot decide where she wants to live, as her parents we make that decision but obviously using her input and respecting her wishes.
I don't want to lose my DD, but I don't know if she will feel I'm giving up on her if I let her go, or feel that I don't care about what she wants by making her stay.
Safe to say - my anxiety has kicked off big time, feeling like it's all getting too much and I'm going to end up neither use nor ornament to anyone.

OP posts:

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 19/06/2019 12:55

So she will be with you just the same amount of time?

So the logistics would need to change if it became permanent. School I guess.

happyasasandboy · 19/06/2019 12:57

I'm going to go against the majority here and advise caution. Unless you absolutely trust your ex to put DD first in totality.

If she goes there for a few weeks, regardless of summer holidays or not, and he makes it a fabulous experience/doesn't give her chores/let's her watch tv when you wouldn't then a 9 year old will choose to live there permanently. She can't make the best decision about how she is parented, and will be easily bought by the novelty/Disney-dad investment in the trial weeks. No criticism of your DD, but 9 year olds can't see the value of chores and routine and homework over TV.

The long term value of living with her sister shouldn't be undervalued; an hour away would really reduce their relationship over time.

I think there is a lot to be said for you demonstrating to her that you're her parent and you're going to make the decision about where she lives based on what you think is best for her. She might be nine, or twelve in a few years, or even 16 and rebelling against the world, but she's not old enough to know the cost of choosing one parent over the other. You are better placed to decide which home is best for her.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 19/06/2019 13:02

Tbh you only been split up 18months who h isnt long and you both have new partners for you're dd to contend with could the problem be with the fact they have been moved in the family home and not only adjusting to the change in the family with their parents splitting but also new partners moving in who are really should only be visiting not living with them?

Crunchymum · 19/06/2019 13:06

Are you both living with your new partners?

Sounds like a lot of change in a relatively short period of time?

But yes, you need to get to the root of the issues.

Confusedteacher · 19/06/2019 13:07

Personally I wouldn’t. I split from my ex 5 years ago and have 2 DDs aged 11 and 9 and I would never want to split them up. I fear that once you let her go you will lose her.

Has your new DP moved in? It all sounds very quick and a lot for her to get used to in a short period of time. She is feeling unsettled and angry and what she probably needs is consistency and reassurance from you. I would go the opposite way and spend as much one on one time with her as possible. If you let her go you will just confirm her thoughts that you don’t really want her there anyway.

Original poster

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 14:56

Yes DP lives with me and ExH and his DP live together.
I appreciate people's thoughts on how soon this has happened, however the fact is it has happened.
It seems to me, that ExH is influencing DD - she doesn't have a problem with ExH new DP and younger DD (8) does not have any issues with either DP, but then again she isn't as much of a Daddy's girl.

OP posts:

Graphista · 19/06/2019 15:01

Sorry but I think you moved new dp in too soon and need to seriously consider reversing that decision.

As the rp you have the greater responsibility - even if that may seem unfair.

When did new dp move in and was it discussed with dd at the time? How did she get on with new dp at the time?

GreyTS · 19/06/2019 15:55

Fuck!!! Are you mad, you moved a new partner in so soon and you're wondering why your daughter is so distressed 😟 Believe me I'm trying to understand, I split with my husband the same length of time ago and have 2 daughters, I have barely started dating and can't imagine behaving as you have. Sorry for being so judgemental but you get one chance to raise your children and you are messing this up, it is too important to fuck it this badly. Stop your silliness right now and fix your relationship with your child, she is only a baby, don't let her down

GreyTS · 19/06/2019 15:59

Oh god our girls are the exact same age too, what have you done 😱

ThePerturbedPenguin · 19/06/2019 16:03

Wait your DP is already living with you?? Your poor children have only had 18 months to get used to your split! I really think you’ve made a bad choice here. DP should move our and you need to put your DDs first.

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