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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my DD go and stay with her dad for a few weeks?

49 replies

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 10:43

As per the title really - ExH and I split just over 18 months ago now, have 2 DD's together. Both have new partners and fairly settled. Eldest DD (9) is just so angry all the time when she is with me (I have majority custody - she goes to ExH 1/2 days per week and EOW). Keeps coming to a head and she says she wants to live with ExH.
It's not that simple though as ExH now lives a good 45mins/1 hr away and although changing schools wouldn't be on the cards at the moment, this may become the case should she decide she wants to stay with ExH permanently.
I have MH problems, which are currently being exacerbated somewhat by this.
ExH has suggested DD stay with him for a few weeks to try and get to the bottom of the issues.
I have suggested taking her to see the GP in the hopes of referral to counselling or similar.
AIBU to even consider this?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/06/2019 16:11

I would move out the boyfriend and see if your daughter is happier.

Weezol · 19/06/2019 16:11

I appreciate people's thoughts on how soon this has happened, however the fact is it has happened.

And you haven't made the link between this and her behaviour? She's dealing with three different family units in the space of two years - I'm not surprised she's in a state.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2019 16:30

agree you should let her go for a bit, give yourself and your other DD a bit of space and breathing room

Snappedandfarted2019 · 19/06/2019 16:30

You have put you're own needs above you're dd and wondering why you're dd is struggling with this. Both you and you're ex have been extremely selfish. By allowing her to leave you are sending her the message you're dp become above her. You need to move youre dp out and focus on rebuilding youre relationship with youre dd and getting her counselling. Dont ever underestimate the impact parents breakup can have on a child nevermind introducing and moving a new partner in. It's quite clear to see what the issue here is.

Nearlythere1 · 19/06/2019 16:55

Sorry i agree with previous posters - that's way too soon for a new partner to move in, both of you, and, not that i want to "go there," but you've got an angry little girl and a strange man in the house. That's worrying.

saoirse31 · 19/06/2019 17:12

I always wonder would you as an adult be happy to have to live with someone, you dont know, have no say about them being there, and they're in a position of authority over you essentially ? While the person that you really love is moved somewhere else?

Original poster

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 19/06/2019 18:03

My dds do come first every time- they were consulted thoroughly before DP moved in and were both happy for it to happen. DP is aware that DC come first.
As for Dd, I have expressed to exh that i dont think her staying with him will solve anything and i want to work with dd to resolve her issues, not just ship her off.
For those who have given constructive advice, I thank you - its helping me see a bit clearer the direction I need to be going.

OP posts:

ThePerturbedPenguin · 19/06/2019 18:17

You really really need to reassess your priorities and be honest with yourself about why you are putting your own needs above your daughter.

You can’t make a decision based (even partly) on your DDs saying they’re happy for your boyfriend to move in. It is simply too early and too confusing, and they are too young to be able to comprehend and process it all, let alone decide what would be best for them. That’s why, as their mother, you should have properly assessed what is really best for them - and that is NOT moving your boyfriend in with your precious girls so soon after their lives have been ripped apart by you and your ex’s split.

Purpleartichoke · 19/06/2019 18:34

At that age, I don’t think there is inherently anything better about living with mom than with dad. I wouldn’t split up the siblings though.

I would get her into therapy and see if that helps. Switching the summer custody is also not a bad idea, but again, I would switch both kids.

Ultimately, you do have to consider whether having a new partner in the house where she lives primarily is appropriate.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/06/2019 19:05

You 'thoroughly consulted' two under 9 yr olds about whether to move your new bloke in? How ridiculous. That decision was most definitely NOT in their best interests. It's weird that you can't see that. I would be moving the new bloke back out post haste.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/06/2019 19:07

Also, how can you trust a man you've only known a year with your two small girls? Don't get it.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 19/06/2019 19:12

Yes DP lives with me and ExH and his DP live together. I appreciate people's thoughts on how soon this has happened, however the fact is it has happened.

Yes, but it can unhappen. I would move your boyfriend out and concentrate on your children for a while.

Does your boyfriend have children in the mix?

spannerintheneck · 19/06/2019 19:22

I think I would stop looking at your ex here and start listening to your dd who has made it clear she is unhappy with your dp. The fact that your trying to somehow blame your ex for this shows that you are not listening to your dds needs and put them before your relationship.

RagingWhoreBag · 19/06/2019 19:28

I think you should try it but in school time.The holidays are different and fun things will be arranged.

Agree with this. If she’s going to see what it’s like to live there it should be including after school clubs while he’s at work, helping with chores, etc not 6 weeks of no school and the novelty of her being there for him without her having to do any chores or homework etc

I agree with others though, that all the change over the last couple of years is probably why she’s so angry and that this is just another change, which could make her feel even more wobbled.

Long term it might help, as she’ll see that this isn’t the magic answer, and just giving you a break from it would be useful. But it could equally mess her up even more, when she feels like you don’t want her around any more (no, she won’t vocalise this, but it will be there in her mind).

Also this: Also your ex should be having both girls for half the summer holidays plus half the school holidays in general. It isn't fair for you to manage childcare on your own..

He needs to be pulling his weight regardless so if it means a move more towards 50/50 rather than being all you or all him, it might be good for her. Then dad’s house isn’t the novelty, they’re both home.

I do think that if your DP moved out your DDs behaviour would probably change. Moving from one step-situation to another when she’s already dealt with so much may not be the answer here. Both of her parents putting her first before their love lives would undoubtedly help her. You can’t control your ex but you do have control over who lives in your home with your DDs.

Toodeloo · 19/06/2019 19:42

You might have “consulted” BUT they wouldn’t have a clue at that age what that actually means for them/you/family dynamics. I split just over 18montha ago officially. My eldest is 11. She only recently brought up the possibility of new partners and was more than relieved to hear that it’s neither on mine nor on her dads radar. The kids come first just now.
You are looking for a reason why she is angry,.. because of the last 18 months. BecUse you could move on just like that and her life is still ruined - that’s how kids see it. Simple plain black and white.

Nearlythere1 · 19/06/2019 19:45

agree with pp, you're daughter has physically told you she's unhappy at home so you have to ask why that is. Also, at their ages your children won't have properly understood the ramifications of "can DP live with us", and of course they would say yes if they thought it would make you happy. I think you need a frank conversation with your daughter about whether she wants it to be just the three of you again, and you have to reassure her you wont be angry if she says yes.

Nearlythere1 · 19/06/2019 19:48

in fact, actually, i think you need to just do it and not put her on the spot.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 19/06/2019 20:13

She wanted to make you happy what type of mother puts hat on two girls under the age of 9 "can my new partner who you dont know move in with us" Was the bed even cold after their father left? You do realise theres men that can target women with young girls and you pretty much moved a stranger into their home without even knowing him. I would be concerned about her reaction towards him and wondering if anything more sinister was going on, the fact she's expressed a massive dislike towards you're dp and is begging to live with her df is extremely concerning tbh.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 19/06/2019 20:13

Her behaviour is telling you that this isn't working. I would not let her leave, and the new boyfriend stay, she has to outrank him and she has to know that.

Do not consult her on his leaving, but tell her it is happening for a while and you can all revisit at some point in the future. You don't have to split up, but honestly, what the fuck were you thinking? Even without two kids some people would class 18 months as quick, how on earth can you know him well enough to trust him around your children yet?

You have to be the responsible adult and put her first. Her dad has moved out, and obviously the girlfriend isn't as much of an issue because they don't live together. But her whole world was rocked, and now each of the two new worlds have been rocked too. Nowhere is totally safe and familiar.

She's only 9, move the boyfriend out before you let her go.

Pawmageddon · 19/06/2019 21:03

You said she is a Daddy's girl?
Then why is it not a completely legitimate choice for her to go live with her Dad?

I had 'issues' when I lived with my mom, the main issue was that I hated not living with my Dad.
Moved to live with him, problem solved.

Branleuse · 19/06/2019 21:08

could you try seeing whether it would be better if your new partner moved out and you just dated?

Ellisandra · 19/06/2019 21:12

You want to tell yourself that your children always come first, but they didn’t, did they?

If you’re so sure that moving in with a new man was such a good idea - are you prepared to say just how far into the 18 months post split you (and your ex) waited?

Consulting them, really? Didn’t cross your mind that at that age, children will make bad decisions, or just tell you what you want to hear?

She’s had enough change. Move your boyfriend back out. Put them first. Let her go and stay with her dad for a nice long holiday (2-3 weeks?) over the summer, but do it with her sister and as normal holiday arrangements, not as a move. And consider a play therapist for her.

whywhywhy6 · 19/06/2019 21:40

Jesus. No wonder you’re anxious when you’re fixating in the wrong issues.

Move your DP out of the house. (And your ex’s DP should be out if his house but that’s not in your control). Arrange 50/50 with your ex for school time and holidays (and work out how school travel works - if the ex moved an hour away he needs to work out travel to school but if you moved an hour away you do, both of you being reasonable and accommodating though - assuming the kids have always been at that same school). Both kids stay together all the time.

Time to get your head out of your problems and what you want and focus in on the kids and their needs.

Branleuse · 19/06/2019 21:46

always put your kids before any man

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