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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he?

43 replies

Mummy0fTwo · 18/06/2019 22:49

So im going to make this as short as possible

I was a SAHM until youngest started school.
I did everything around the house whilst DH worked, which suited us fine..
I am working 30 hours a week now, i have been for over a year, and from the beginning its been a nightmare, i still do 100% of everything that needs doing
Housework, admin, bills, homework, the majority of meals, and care of the kids are all still my job.
Ive asked him numerous times to do his fair share, he contributes to the mess so he should help clean up. He cooks occasionally.
He's now gone part time and still doesnt help out around the house, he's up late and keeping me up late, im burning the candle at both ends we could say and i just feel like I've had enough of things being this way..

Today he sat there on a games console from 3.30 onwards, whilst i cleaned the home did 2 loads of washing and completed both kids homework. I mentioned that i was tired, stressed and had enough he started shouting and stormed out. Told me if i think the house is a tip then i should fxxkxx clean it more!

I love being a mum, keeping a nice home, taking pride in what i have, now i feel so tired, stressed and run down im not enjoying it as much. Its just not right.

AIBU to expect any form of help?
What are your DH's like around the house?

OP posts:
Treaclesweet · 18/06/2019 22:52

That would not be acceptable to me. If he is not willing to help you I would stop doing anything for him. Don't feed him or wash his clothes. Don't do any admin that relates to him. Or make him pay for a cleaner if he can afford to go part time!

Prisonbreak · 18/06/2019 22:54

We are a partnership. We both get stuck in and proud of our home.
Years ago I was with a guy who ‘can’t clean today because he has been working’ and on days off ‘won’t clean because it’s his day off’ It’s not hard to work out why he is an ex.

steppemum · 18/06/2019 22:56

Lazy git.

List the jobs
List the no of hours you each work.

Then ask him which half of the jobs is he going to do?

If he refuses, then you need to decide if you want to continue with a lazy git.

Vulpine · 18/06/2019 22:56

I'd accidentally spill coffee on the games console. What a complete arse

RandomMess · 18/06/2019 23:11

You should get equal leisure time,..

I would delegate to him all food shopping and cooking and menu planning plus all laundry as these are essential things...

Original poster
Mummy0fTwo · 18/06/2019 23:14

@Vulpine i would if it didnt belong to the children

@Treaclesweet this ive considered, only id suffer

alot more than him, as i cannot stand it, however he could happily relax in a wreck

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy0fTwo · 18/06/2019 23:16

@steppemum i should list each individual job/chore i do, maybe that will show him what i go through to give us all a relatively tidy and cosy home

OP posts:
Anarchyshake · 19/06/2019 00:12

I did list every single chore I do in this flat, and showed it to my OH. He's getting a little better at doing things to help now

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 19/06/2019 00:18

I just don’t understand this at all. Why are you asking if you AIBU? He doesn’t respect you and completely takes advantage of the fact the mess would drive you crazy. But listen, unless you actually make a change then nothing will change. Only cook for you and the kids. Leave his laundry alone. Only pay your half of the bills. Stop doing his admin. There’s no point saying oh but his mess will wind me up - if you want things to change you have to change things. Personally I could not be with someone who was so disrespectful to me.

Lucifer666 · 19/06/2019 00:26

What a lazy sod! I'd tell him either he starts pulling his weight or you're going on strike no washing his clothes, no cooking for him and I'd hide the sodding remote and the games console tell him he can have it back once he starts doing his fair share see how he likes that! 😂

Heartofglass12345 · 19/06/2019 00:31

Oh my god he is not a child that needs a list of chores to do. He is a grown man who has eyes! Was he this lazy before you had kids and you thought he would change?

OldAndWornOut · 19/06/2019 00:37

I think men sometimes do need a list, because they really are clueless to about what actually helps.
Often they'll cook and leave so much mess behind it causes more stress.

TheSmallAssassin · 19/06/2019 00:44

Honestly, men are not clueless, they manage to hold down jobs, but somehow they're hopeless at home? They know full well that the kitchen doesn't magically clean itself after they've cooked. My husband manages to pull his weight without me telling him to, it is really not too much to expect.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2019 00:45

Funny how he's traditional about housework but happy to go part time and not be the traditional provider.

Almost like it's an excuse. And the swearing at you about it is unacceptable.

Emergencycake · 19/06/2019 00:53

I list jobs out to DH. Let's say there are 4 jobs, I ask which 2 is he doing. I don't really care which 2 he picks, so long as he shows willing. Happy wife, happy life!

Vehivle · 19/06/2019 01:01

As others have said - completely bloody unacceptable. I'd be threatening divorce.

Not trying to rub it in - but to answer your question we divide everything very fairly. If anything he may even do more than me because I consider myself quite feminist and so i think he ends up taking on more childcare/cleaning than I do because I make so much noise about women have always been shat on and men need to do their part in housework etc- and he of course agrees with this and so possibly put of guilt/determination to show he's better than that - he does end up doing quite a lot! Lol. I work too so I feel even more justified in making sure the house work is fully shared!

Seriously make a clear rota/ chore list/daily tasks. Share them equally between you and him and only do yours. Make it clear to him he must do his. If he continues to be a lazy bastard - I'd start doing stuff like not cooking for him. Not cleaning up his things. Not doing his laundry. I'd also start walking out - if he's a good dad I'd leave the kids with him for him to have to deal with. Or take them with me and we'd all eat out and leave him to stew in a shitty messy foodless house. He's a lazy bastard and needs to change his behaviour asap. Fuck the patriarchy! And if you have sons - make sure they learn that how he behaves is NEVER acceptable. Same with your daughters of course but boys do tend to model after their dad.

Original poster
Mummy0fTwo · 19/06/2019 07:55

As much as I've asked, begged, and told him to just do it he still doesnt.

You are all right, it is disrespectful.

Ive been with this man longer than a decade he isn't going to change..

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 19/06/2019 08:00

Why’s he gone part time?

FionasWineShow · 19/06/2019 08:05

You realise he doesn't care about you.

He might enjoy your company - when you're not 'complaining' or 'nagging' (becoming fewer and further between, I'm sure) - but he doesn't actually give a shit about you or your happiness.

He couldn't care less.

He knows you'll clean up around him, and put up with him, because you always have.

Only you can decide if enough actually is enough. Or if nagging a waste-of-space man-child for the rest of your days looks like an appealing option.

crispysausagerolls · 19/06/2019 08:05

DH and I have a split based on money. Eg he is the breadwinner therefore I do the childcare and the housework. At the weekend he with bathe DS and clear up after dinner; to help. He also pays for a cleaner. If I started working I would insist he do more - and if he started working part time he should be doing the lion’s share! Not sure what he really does for you!

TheSandgroper · 19/06/2019 08:13

I agree with make a list. Or just copy Flylady www.flylady.net/d/?s=detailed+cleaning

CookieDeal · 19/06/2019 08:15

He doesn't care because he has you over a barrel and he knows it. I've lived with two men like this, kids involved both times (the first time the child wasn't even mine - boyfriends child!).

They would just procrastinate, be 'ill', say 'I'll do it in a minute' and finally argue and get pissy about doing their fair share. They never needed to actually change anything because they knew I would never leave a child without dinner, or clean clothes. Whereas they would.

Both times I yelled, cried, pleaded, massive arguments. In the end, I left. Both were shocked hurt, upset and the second one even had the grace to admit "I didn't change anything because I didn't believe you'd ever leave."

Both times life was so much easier on my own. There is something particularly maddening about doing it all when you live with an adult who actively contributes to the mess and stress.

Being a single parent is still hard work - but not rage-inducingly awful!

SignedUpJust4This · 19/06/2019 08:28

This topic is on here over and over again and every time it just makes me more angry. Where are all these selfish men coming from? I would let rip on him OP and I would smash that console up. Nobody sits down until everyone can sit down. Why does he think that just because you are a family he now gets to do even less than a single man would? If he lived in a house share I doubt he'd treat his housemates with such disrespect. What a cunt.

Shoxfordian · 19/06/2019 09:03

He's not going to change so decide if you really want to put up with it for the rest of your life

steppemum · 19/06/2019 10:08

there is a great article on line somewhere which says - my wife left me becuase I put a mug in the sink.

It is a man's reflection of what had happened in their marriage and he had now realised how disrespectful of her it was.

It is good, but not sure if he would read it.