Or is he?

[Mummy0fTwo]

So im going to make this as short as possible

I was a SAHM until youngest started school.
I did everything around the house whilst DH worked, which suited us fine..
I am working 30 hours a week now, i have been for over a year, and from the beginning its been a nightmare, i still do 100% of everything that needs doing
Housework, admin, bills, homework, the majority of meals, and care of the kids are all still my job.
Ive asked him numerous times to do his fair share, he contributes to the mess so he should help clean up. He cooks occasionally.
He's now gone part time and still doesnt help out around the house, he's up late and keeping me up late, im burning the candle at both ends we could say and i just feel like I've had enough of things being this way..

Today he sat there on a games console from 3.30 onwards, whilst i cleaned the home did 2 loads of washing and completed both kids homework. I mentioned that i was tired, stressed and had enough he started shouting and stormed out. Told me if i think the house is a tip then i should fxxkxx clean it more!

I love being a mum, keeping a nice home, taking pride in what i have, now i feel so tired, stressed and run down im not enjoying it as much. Its just not right.

AIBU to expect any form of help?
What are your DH's like around the house?

Why has he gone part time? He needs to pick up the slack if the roles have changed and instead he seems to have the goal of cocklodger in mind

Tell him if he's at home more then he does more or having the chat about what splitting up looks like is inevitable in the future.

In the meantime stop clearing up after him. Pile all his mess up into black sacks and put them his side of the bed. Stop washing for him. Tell him someone behaving like a child doesnt get any adult time with their partner and go to bloody bed when you want!

I do more than DH, but then he works more hours than I do, so to me that’s fair. He does things that he sees needs doing or will ask me what needs doing. He’s never refused to do anything and doesn’t complain when I say what to do.

You have enabled him to get away with it for years so why wouldn’t he carry on making mess, he knows you’ll always clean it up...

Either switch the games console off when he’s mid game or hide the controllers and tell him to be an adult and help you. He’s acting like a teenager, not a fully grown adult.

Ive been with this man longer than a decade he isn't going to change..

No, he isn't. You've been cleaning up around him like a skivvy for 10 years; why on earth would he change that?

Sorry, but I think you face a stark choice. Carry on doing this for the rest of your life or boot him out.

If you carry on cleaning up after him he won’t change, you can stop doing certain things that will affect only him.
Don’t do his washing, ironing and putting clothes away, leave his side of the room to him to clean (if like me and my DP has his own side of the room)
Instead of going off to cook dinner, ask him what he’s cooking while you sit with a cuppa and put your feet up.
He’s taking the piss

Look after youself and dc. Simplify meals, don't iron. Train dc to help, even little ones can do quite a lot. Do nothing for him, no shopping, cooking, washing, sex, organising, let him see what you do by feeling the gap. Make a fair rota of everything that needs doing

This is the link to the article mentioned upthread if he won't read it then you definitely should.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Oh and I agree with previous posters, go on strike and stop doing things for him. Find a cupboard or corner to tidy his mess to & direct him there when he asks for his stuff. Good luck x

I agree- just do not do anything for him. Let his washing mount up; don't cook for him; don't tidy any of his mess.

But then really is the above any way to live happily? Will it make him think? Change?

What are your options?

1. just do everything for him and let him work part time and do nothing in the house
2. keep pulling him up on it and have him shout at you each time you do, but him not actually changing
3. sit him down and explain that you will not carry on like this and if he doesn't start pulling his weight then you want to separate (But you genuinely have to mean it)

Why’s he gone part time? I don’t think he will change OP- stop cooking for him, stop washing his clothes etc

Stand firm op.
Stop doing his washing ironing etc.

Don't actually tel him that's what your doing and then when he says he has no clean or ironed clothes or realises his is piling up just say well we are both adults and seeing as you feel you don't have to tidy up after yourself let alone me then I don't have to do the same for you and walk off.

Tell him calmly your fed up with doing and organising everything so your prioritising things so you get some down time and the dc and your washing tidying is your priority,not his.

I'd then remind him your not his mum and how off putting and how it's like having another child in the house to look after which is not very desirable and leave him to it

So what does he bring to your relationship?

@steppemum @NurseButtercup thank you for that link i will save that for the future

Whilst at work today ladies i did alot of thinking, and i realise how much i have enabled his behaviour. Your all right and i have allowed it to continue for far too long.

I will be striking! I fear what my home will look like this time next week, but im sure once he realises whats happening he will bag his stuff and take it to mummys to wash!

Why has he gone part time?
His choice?
If he can't provide financially and doesn't do anything around the house ask him to leave.
Sounds useless.

@HarleyS
He took another job which was same pay less hours and input, he works mainly at weekend and barely during the week. Its a pretty easy job too, and means he is barely spending time as a family as he works on our days off now.
My job is very physical, mon-fri, exhaustion is becoming frequent.
I am putting my foot down, deep down i knew i was being taken for granted, you lovely ladies have helped me to confirm this. If he wont help out more and pull his weight around the house and with the children it will be time to move out.

He sees his free time as his and not something to contribute to the family.
If he had to pay CM he'd see sense then.

@HarleyS thats exactly it, its his free time. However he stopped being a free agent when we started a family!
That article above is great, why is it so many peolle dont see sense till its too late.

Ive recently told DP i am going on strike. I will do equal amount of time that he does on all things domestic/ admin/ financial/ relationship wise. I was really irritated after reading one of those articles about how liberal men are the ones who are refusing to pull their domestic weight in relationships and keep saying, i didn't notice, i'm not good at that, blah blah.
you have to hold your nerve, and try not to get angry.
I just said - if he doesn't contribute to cooking food equally i'll order take aways from joint account
If he doesn't start looking after finances then we will spend a couple of years losing money as that is less financial loss in the long term when he realises we don't have money for nice stuff like holidays.
i also have stopped doing any washing - no comment just stopped.

@tomatoesandstew how has it worked out for you? Has he started doing more around the house or is the problem still there?

I havent told him as such i am going on strike, im waiting for him to realise this himself, if i do tell him im striking it will end up in another arguement about how i should be doing more if i aint happy with the state of the house.

I hope your partner took it well and that your loads been lightened