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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not asking friend to be bridesmaid

30 replies

Coralfish · 18/06/2019 17:48

There seem to be a lot of wedding/ bridesmaid threads at the moment, confirming what a minefield these things can be...

Basically I am getting married and there are five ladies who I really want to ask to be bridesmaids for various reasons - family, good friends etc. I already think five is a lot, but I do really want all of them.

Bridesmaid number five is Ellie. The trouble is I have another friend, Kat, who first introduced me to Ellie. Ellie and I were both BMs at her wedding two years ago. Kat's heart is in the right place, but she can often get on my nerves. She struggles to pick up on social cues and often rubs people the wrong way. She will go out of her way to be helpful, but her 'help' often causes more issues! She has also moved away and I don't see her as often as I used to.

Also, family member bridesmaid Lucy really does not like Kat. Furthermore, Kat's husband can be very difficult, so leaving him alone whilst Kat is on BM duty during the wedding is another concern.

I know Kat, Ellie and I would have a lot of fun together in the run up to the wedding, but the only reason I would be choosing her as a BM is that she will probably expect it and be upset if I do not.

So AIBU not asking Kat to be a BM?

OP posts:
SpangledBoots · 18/06/2019 17:50

Your wedding, do what makes you happy.

Does she make much effort with you now that she's moved away.

ThatsUnusual · 18/06/2019 17:51

These threads make me so happy that I eloped.

Drum2018 · 18/06/2019 17:55

Suppose you have 2 sisters, just stick to 2 bridesmaids. Or if you have more than 2 sisters just have one and tell them to decide who wants to do it. Then you don't have to worry a damn about anyone else feeling left out. Sorted!

Original poster
Coralfish · 18/06/2019 17:59

Suppose you have 2 sisters, just stick to 2 bridesmaids. Or if you have more than 2 sisters just have one and tell them to decide who wants to do it. Then you don't have to worry a damn about anyone else feeling left out. Sorted!

Yes, that is an option, but the family members are not sisters and I am much much closer to Ellie and the other friend than I am to them. I would really need them for moral (and maybe practical!) support!

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 18/06/2019 18:02

I only had flowergirls at my wedding to avoid having to choose between friends.

My oldest friend filled in alot of bridesmaid roles and was a witness, some other friends did short readings. It was a good decision for me!

Your friends can support you and have fun with you even if not BMs

FraggleRocking · 18/06/2019 18:06

If you’re already thinking about the possibility of things going wrong I would suggest no. Also, perhaps reconsider 5 BMs. Friends can help, be supportive and enjoy the run up to your wedding without a title or role.

Marlena1 · 18/06/2019 18:07

If you are closer to Kat than you are to Lucy I think you need to ask Kat. She asked you, introdced you to Ellie and you say you would have a lot of fun. I think it would be a bit harsh not to. Four is a lot anyway so what's one more?

bridgetreilly · 18/06/2019 18:08

I would not have either Kat or Ellie. Friends can be friends and helpful and supportive without being bridesmaids.

bridgetreilly · 18/06/2019 18:09

Or Lucy, probably.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/06/2019 18:09

I'd leave Kat and Ellie off the list. Less painful for you and Kat. I'm sure Ellie would understand.

KC225 · 18/06/2019 18:52

I think three bridesmaids and ask Ellie and Kat to be witnesses - you can make it special for them. Amazon have please be my witness cards. You can a little witness protection night before the wedding. They do witness thank you gifts.

HollowTalk · 18/06/2019 18:56

I find this AIBU button irritating. You have to phrase your question really, really carefully. This one would have been better with a Yes/No button in response to "Should Kat be my bridesmaid?"

And five bridesmaids????

Cherrysoup · 18/06/2019 18:58

Your wedding, do what you want.

MrsTWH · 18/06/2019 19:00

I would cut down the number of bridesmaids rather than leave one out.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 18/06/2019 19:00

KC225 has it spot on. That way they're still part of your wedding and hopefully no one will feel left out. If you want Ellie to have a special role to play could you ask her to do a reading or something?

Smelborp · 18/06/2019 19:09

I said YABU but only because I think you should have neither of them. If you have Ellie and not Kat, it’s a snub to Kat.

Bookworm4 · 18/06/2019 19:12

5 bridesmaids is a bit OTT, my eldest DD avoided this by telling friends it was family only for bridesmaids, best man etc.
Tbh everyone makes far too much of a drama over weddings now,needing BM for 100 things, it’s one day.

hazell42 · 18/06/2019 19:14

I thought it was a bridesmaids job to wear a frumpy frock, and walk behind the bride looking less glamourous
I had no idea that they had to interview for the job. What did it say on their CV?

StCharlotte · 18/06/2019 19:20

I would really need them for moral (and maybe practical!) support!

No you won't. You might need someone to hold your frock while you have a wee but that's pretty much it.

cardibach · 18/06/2019 19:21

MNHQ this is not a good candidate for the vote! It’s not cut and dried.
OP YWBU to invite one of these friends without the other, you already think 5 is to many. Have neither as BMs but invite both to the wedding. You can still have fun with both of them (singly or together) before the wedding. Don’t really see how them being BMs would create more fun opportunities...

Blondieg · 18/06/2019 19:22

What exactly does a bridesmaid do these days?

altiara · 18/06/2019 19:25

I’d have less bridesmaids. 1,2 or 3. And just because you were Kat’s BM doesn’t mean she should be yours.

TooManyPaws · 18/06/2019 19:26

Holds the bride's bouquet during the service. Can't really think of anything else. Are there any cute children in the family that can do this job? Cheaper and less angst.

FannyWork · 18/06/2019 19:36

Look, to be straight with you If you don’t want her to be your bridesmaid then don’t ask her to be your bridesmaid. But you have to be prepared that may mean the friendship is over for good.

I think if you were honest you would admit that you are phasing this woman out of your group and Kat is going to get that message loud and clear and it will hurt Kat.

Because it’s all a bit ‘Mean Girls’ isn’t it? You seem to have an awful lots of unpleasant things to say about Kat don’t you? Sounds you’re dropping Kat but keeping Ellie who she knew well enough to be her bridesmaid. Also that stuff about one bridesmaid disliking her and her husband is childish.

I’m not sure Kat would be the one losing out in that. I don’t think a frenemy who slags a person off then ditches that person for a friend they introduced is the kind of friend most people want.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 18/06/2019 19:43

Would Kat be number 6? That's crazy. Tbh I don't see how you can ask Ellie and not Kat without hurting her. If Lucy has a problem with Kat then that's her problem. Maybe Lucy will say no if she knows Kat is coming.