Not asking friend to be bridesmaid

[Coralfish]

There seem to be a lot of wedding/ bridesmaid threads at the moment, confirming what a minefield these things can be...

Basically I am getting married and there are five ladies who I really want to ask to be bridesmaids for various reasons - family, good friends etc. I already think five is a lot, but I do really want all of them.

Bridesmaid number five is Ellie. The trouble is I have another friend, Kat, who first introduced me to Ellie. Ellie and I were both BMs at her wedding two years ago. Kat's heart is in the right place, but she can often get on my nerves. She struggles to pick up on social cues and often rubs people the wrong way. She will go out of her way to be helpful, but her 'help' often causes more issues! She has also moved away and I don't see her as often as I used to.

Also, family member bridesmaid Lucy really does not like Kat. Furthermore, Kat's husband can be very difficult, so leaving him alone whilst Kat is on BM duty during the wedding is another concern.

I know Kat, Ellie and I would have a lot of fun together in the run up to the wedding, but the only reason I would be choosing her as a BM is that she will probably expect it and be upset if I do not.

So AIBU not asking Kat to be a BM?

Ask Kat to do a reading

Also another who thinks 5 bridesmaids is OTT

I didn’t have grown up bridesmaids for this reason, but 2 of my best friends still looked for a dress with me and spent the morning of the wedding with me and travelled to the church with me so I had the moral support etc without the politics

You're not unreasonable to not want her there.... But you shouldn't have accepted being her bridemaid if you don't like her enough to have her as one of yours. You know you will hurt kat if you don't have her there and you need to be prepared for the consequences of that. If I had a supposed best friend of mine as my bridesmaid, and she then had 5 (quite a lot!) bridesmaids of her own and didn't include me I think I'd be deeply hurt and questioning our friendship.

If you only had one or two bridemaids it would be different, but 5 is quite a lot and she'd definitely be questioning why you didn't want her.

It might cause more drama then just having her there. Also what actually are 'bridesmaid duties' on the day? I was bridesmaid for my friend and the only thing I did was get ready with bride before the wedding, wait with her before ceremony and be in photos. There's not much else to do surely? Kat would be sat with her husband and free to enjoy the party part with him? So the husband thing doesn't seem like a good enough reason to not have her as bridesmaid if he's going to be at the wedding either way.

So yeah. Really I think YABU. People get quite selfish about their wedding and think that they're the most special people in the world and that only their feelings matter on this day... But I personally disagree. I think doing something which is definitely going to hurt someone is selfish any day of the year. Like I said, if you hadn't been her bridesmaid it wouldn't be so bad but because you were I think this would be quite selfish and unkind of you.

Either have less bridesmaids so this can be your excuse, or find a way to go back in time and turn down being her bridesmaid! Or just accept that you're going to deeply hurt someone who is supposed to be a friend.

She'll be hurt, you know she will.

Just have Kat and Ellie as witness or get them to do a reading.

5 is far too many.