To think Baby prefers MIL?

[Jadefeather7]

I have a six week old and I have a feeling that he prefers my MIL to me :( He’s a very fussy and difficult baby yet when she holds him he calms down and seems entranced by her. When he was born I had some issues (I had to be re hospitalised) so she helped me to look after him for about 2-3 days including during the nights (husbands suggestion which I now massively regret). She is very good with babies as she’s had a few of her own and many grandkids. It makes me feel shit though. As if I haven’t bonded properly because of what happened in those early days. Is it possible I’ve screwed things up by having her so involved in the first few days?

He doesn't prefer MIL.
It's probably that she isn't frazzled and stressed looking after a difficult newborn that he senses. or the fact that he handed to someone else and is probably thinking "oh hang on a minute you aren't mum, who the hell are you?".
You haven't screwed anything up, you're tired and hormonal; and trying to get to grips with a new baby.
Also Children always act like angels around grandparents ( no winging, eating anything put in front of them, ...), it's power for the course.

Hi, I couldn't read a run.
No I don't believe your mil helping has ruined anything. Babies pick up on the emotions around them if you are tense which you will be lol baby will feel it mil is relaxed.
Skin on skin for you and baby.
Lots of snuggles
Take baby out if you can in the pram.
Breath.

I think the reason baby calms with mil could be because she is relaxed herself and with a wealth of experience it's only natural she's giving off calm vibes.
If you are feeling you've ruined things and are uptight and worrying you haven't bonded then your baby will pick up on this feeling that you, their mum, are unsettled and will become 'fussy' and difficult.
I don't think it's down to preference as your baby will always prefer you, I think it could be down to picking up on your feelings.

Give yourself time. She's had several kids and grandkids to practise some tricks of the trade in calming babies and you will soon have your own. qazxc is right, be kind to yourself and it will all come with time. In the meantime let your MIL help when you're feeling overwhelmed so you can recharge.

I felt the same with my first and my mum. Looking back, I was just exhausted and tired and struggling with mild pnd. My DM was just more relaxed and I think my DS picked up that she was calm while I was struggling. It got better btw, it just took time, sleep and finding moments when I could breathe.
How are you coping with being a new mum? Are you getting sleep/shower time? Eating well? Or is it all a little like slowly drowning in your own expectations? Or just a mix of boredom and frustration?

Is it your first baby? Your baby does not prefer MIL to you. You’re his mum!

Yes some people have a way with babies (my mum holds babies in a such a way that they relax or burp easily for her) but that doesn’t mean the baby prefers my mum!

It’s early days, you just need to get more confidence in yourself.

My son was the same. He would cry and grizzle for me but when my auntie held him he was quiet and smiley.

The midwife told me that he could probably sense that I was a nervous first time Mum and not completely relaxed with him but with my auntie, who was more experienced and calmer when he did cry he settled more easily.

Don't take it to heart, your son knows your his Mum and will love you more than anyone. Soon, he will be calm for you. xx

Enjoy your baby x

My Mum lost her mum suddenly just days before I was born and she said I always settled for everyone other than her and she thinks I picked up on her emotions. I don't remember any of this, I adore my Mum and she's my best friend. I hope that might make you feel a bit better x

definitely not! Your baby loves YOU!! You have not ruined anything. With me, DD1 was very demanding because I was her number one interest for food, attention, everything so I found her challenging but with other people, who were not as important or interesting, she was an easy baby.

Sometimes, being held by mum makes babies restless because mums are the source of everything. So your baby may be ever so slightly hungry and sensing you may be agitating to be fed. Or he may be feeling anxious and wanting you to keep cuddling him. Therefore, when your MIL holds him, the pressure is off him.

Give yourself lots of time and space to bond. I second the suggestion for lots of skin-on-skin. Also, have you thought about baby-wearing? This can help a lot (and I actually found it was good for my posture too)!

It needs a bit research first but it's actually really easy - and there are lots of local communities who can help with slings, etc. Some even have sling libraries, so you can borrow them and get a feel for which you prefer. All are fine as long as you avoid the 'crotch dangling' variety and follow K.I.S.S. safety guidelines. They are a great bonding tool, and you can also avoid manoeuvring prams around awkward spaces (I even went hill-climbing with mine)!

Don't worry OP. You'll always be his mum - we only ever get the one - and mums are irreplaceable.

I'm sure that your baby doesn't prefer your Mil, as others have said babies do sense if the person holding them is a bit nervous. He's only 6 weeks old so it's still very early days for you. I don't think you've made a mistake and you won't be able to bond with him. In time you'll be able to relax a bit more around him and things will get easier for you.
Congratulations by the way

Thanks everyone from the reassurance. It’s my first baby. I feel pretty ok. I have a supportive husband and family. I just feel anxious when he’s screaming and I’ve tried everything I can think off! I guess even though I don’t feel massively stressed or depressed (well except for about BF challenges) he’s probably picking up on my something- whether that’s the lack of confidence or anxiety about BF

At this stage your baby doesn't understand that you and he are separate people, because you've always been so closely bonded. So, in a nice way, you're essentially wallpaper to him right now

Your MIL has the benefit of novelty. Give him a month or two, when he starts interacting a lot more, and you'll see how his eyes light up and his wee arms and legs start going when he sees his Mum.

He hates skin to skin :(
He loves the sling though :)

Honestly, please don't regret her help during those early days. I promise you that it hasn't made any difference. Six weeks is nothing, you have plenty of time to bond with your baby.

Oh love you’re his mum, he knows you’re his mum, there is nothing stronger than that bond. Maybe your MIL is novel, or particularly soothing, or a source of interest, but your baby’s bond to you is absolutely instinctive and the strongest thing he knows.

You have obviously been through the wringer and that’s making you feel like a bad mother. You aren’t. You haven’t let anyone down, least of all your baby. Be kind to yourself

Aw you poor love, of course he doesn’t.

Just wait til he’s a year and loses his shit every time you leave the room.

crying peaks at 6 weeks. hopefully things will start to settling down for you soon. I agree that your baby doesn't prefer your mil it's as others have said she has a calm vibes/is a magic baby whisperer

If your bf it’s probably the smell of milk, my dd would often get fussy with me but fine for anyone else and it was because I stank of milk all the time.

I once spent an evening crying when my first baby was 6 week old, convinced they didn't love me because they wouldn't look at me. I couldn't do skin to skin often, hardly ever do with my second child at all.

However, I am my baby and toddler's favourite. Poor DH doesn't get a look in.

Please don't spend too long worrying about it because things will change very soon.

It's completely normal and I hope you feel better knowing it's not just you. I'm glad you're doing well with everything

My 11 month old is still like this.. whinge and cries and strips to me but as soon as anyone else is there he will start smiling and being all charming, I think it's just a thing some babies like it just because it's different

Honestly it's not the case.

I've only the one but a wealth of experience due to being eldest of 3 kids, umpteen cousins and I've been caring for other people's babies since I was 14 inc being a nanny and childminder.

Ex was youngest of 4, no cousins, no experience with kids let alone babies and he went through a phase of feeling similarly.

So I encouraged him to hold dd more, do more with her and get the practice in - and magically the more he did, the more time he spent with her and more relaxed he became, the more she "liked" him.

Do lots with baby, don't stress when baby cries - it's what they do and there's not always a reason, is there always a reason when you're in a bad mood? Of course not.

Yes you check its not hunger/wind/dirty nappy etc but sometimes they just wanna let off steam!

It's very early days, you're still getting to know each other.

Years ago, I helped support Mums with PND. One night, when I was just about to go to bed, the phone rang, and it was a young woman ringing from a call box. She was crying, and I could hear her baby screaming in the background. She said "What do you do when you've tried everything, and the baby still won't stop screaming?" I said "Well I think you come round to 81's house, don't you?". She walked in, handed the baby to me, and he immediately calmed down, and within a few minutes he was asleep. He didn't prefer me, I was just the calm one in the situation. The link between a baby and his mother is so close that he was picking up on her emotion. You have not ruined anything by having your Mother in law helping out. In fact your baby will be blessed with a closeness to her later on, because she was there early on, and it will not impact on your mother-baby bond.

If you hand me a fussy baby, they willoften calm down, because I am calm, and their crying doesn't distress me.
that is becuase I have 3 kids of my own.

But when dc1 was 5 weeks old, one day he screamed and cried and I couldn't do anything. A lady I hardly know was there, and she came to see if I was alright (in the bedroom, trying to calm and feed him) I started crying, she tok him, and within 5 minutes he had calmed down. She encouraged me, calmed me down, and then handed him back to feed, which he did and then fell asleep.
She had never met him before!

Just be glad MIL is around to take him sometimes, and make sure you take him back when you want to. See her as a help and be 100% reassured that no-one can take the place of mum.