To think Baby prefers MIL?

[Jadefeather7]

I have a six week old and I have a feeling that he prefers my MIL to me :( He’s a very fussy and difficult baby yet when she holds him he calms down and seems entranced by her. When he was born I had some issues (I had to be re hospitalised) so she helped me to look after him for about 2-3 days including during the nights (husbands suggestion which I now massively regret). She is very good with babies as she’s had a few of her own and many grandkids. It makes me feel shit though. As if I haven’t bonded properly because of what happened in those early days. Is it possible I’ve screwed things up by having her so involved in the first few days?

Hi
You are doing so well don't doubt yourself, I was separated from my little girl I was in ITU and she was with her daddy all the time we got home and I am going to say it I had a breakdown. So he was the main carer for her. I didn't know what I was doing and felt like she didn't want me. She is now 18 months and doing so well.

Good luck I'm sure your doing fine but if you do feel a bit off go speak to someone. And don't forget to just talk

I thought exactly what qazxc said; he senses your concern and worry. He doesn’t prefer your MIL; keep giving him cuddles and kisses and you will soon see there is a bond. Every so often, read picture books to him too, so he hears your voice. Babies love eyes and voices. Congratulations x

My friend has this but with her sister. Very disconcerting for a first time mum; aunty couldn't put a foot wrong it seemed. Please don't worry, it is just a phase.

You carried him all that time, now he's in the big wide world and is occasionally unsettled, don't feel you have to have all the answers immediately.
It's a good thing MIL can help out.

Mine was like this with my mum. It isn’t a competition, there’s plenty of love to go round. I loved the relationship the two of them had, it was a joy to behold.

I'm sorry you had such a hard labour and a difficult start

Your baby does not prefer your MIL to you. You are his whole world, he knows your voice and your smell and you make him feel safe.

Fussy babies are so hard, mine was always crying, never happy and it nearly broke me. I thought she hated me, that I had traumatised her by leaving her with MIL for an hour on day 3 because I had to go back to the hospital for my post-c-section meds (had discharged myself on day 2 without meds as I couldn't stand to be on the postnatal ward any more). I thought she hated being alive, or sometimes that she just hated me. Looking back, I really wasn't very well

Please look up High Needs Babies - it may not apply but it really helped me understand why my needy, angry little baby was so different to my friends' dopey, pliant little newborns. Always take path of least resistance - if baby likes the sling, live in it. If he won't settle in his moses basket, get him in bed with you. Focus on whatever works for you and him. Don't worry if you have to keep changing it up. Try again with skin to skin, if it doesn't work don't panic, back in the sling, try again another day. They change. What works one day won't work the next and vice versa. Don't let anyone undermine your instincts - do what feels right for you, you are the best authority on what your baby needs, you are still two parts of the same thing right now.

Take MIL's help (kindly offered) but redirect it - if she's trying to take baby from you to soothe, tell her you've got it but could she go and run you and baby a bath/grab you a cuppa/make up a bottle or whatever you need and focus on getting to grips with your baby. He will cry, they do. He's confused and learning and so are you. You'll both get there.

Honestly, your baby loves you. The day will come when he can express his preferences clearly and you won't get 2 minutes alone to pee! This is the absolute sharp end of mothering - it will get easier I promise xx

Aww OP my midwife mum was brilliant with my tricky DD in the first few weeks, much better than me, but fast forward a few months and DD won’t let my mum (or anyone else) hold her. Which isn’t ideal! Don’t worry.

My baby is a dream wit my mum! Honestly, sometimes it’s just that a different face distracts them. Your baby still way prefers you.

I felt exactly the same with a 6 week old. Felt like DD loved her dad and hated me. She'd scream when I held her and coo when he did. It was just that I was exhausted and doing it all and he'd breeze in from work, hold her for a bit and think he'd done enough so he could be relaxed and well rested. My mum told me to stop believing she loved him more as it would become a self fulfilling prophecy and within a few months she slept better, I was more relaxed and we were inseparable. It won't always be this hard lovely- the first six to eight weeks are relentleee and then they start giving back. My advice is to try talking to him lots and smiling. Might seem obvious advice but lots of people don't. Really helps with bonding

Your baby does love you, 6 week olds can right miserable sods and in most cases it gets better. You mention BF issues, do you have any support groups in your area?

Definitely not

As others have said, he’s possibly picking up on you being stressed, which is absolutely not your fault. I don’t know if you’re breastfeeding but if you are he might be smelling milk. Mine used to go nuts if he was within a foot of me and wasn’t getting fed.

And they say that wee ones let rip most around their mothers because we are the ones they feel safest with. They know they are safe to let out all their emotions. Give it time, as Laurie says upthread there’ll come a time when he’ll be stuck to you like a barnacle and go apeshit if you as much as turn your back!

I know someone who can settle any baby- she's got big boobs - and the babies all seem to love it

It certainly helps if the person is relaxed, the baby picks up on it. My baby screamed and screamed for hours, I was crying too, I went to my neighbour, handed the baby and he stopped instantly thank you Ann, lovely neighbour.

And just to add, even when I was feeding DS he was still bloody crying because it turned out he had silent reflux.

I read that you're breastfeeding. My kids spent all their early days in a sling, feeding non-stop. Your baby absolutely loves you best... but, at the moment, all he really wants is to be wallowing in milk - and is letting you know his frustration. He can't do that with anyone else because no one else has his personal milk supply. It gets easier when the growth spurts are out the way and they become less hangry. x

He's picking up that she's relaxed. Honestly, make the most of her help - especially if you can use the time to make yourself more relaxed.
My friends hand their babies over at every opportunity as they usually go to sleep as soon as I take them. I don't drug them, I swear!!

My mum had a great calming effect on babies too. Always managed to wind my baby, when it took me ages and sometimes gave up.

Please don't feel anger or anything like resentment towards her. She helped when you needed the help and sounds like a great support.

Just hopping in for reassurance, the way you're feeling is totally normal, and I promise your baby adores you.

If you're bf, then the baby can smell the milk on you which can make them fussier sometimes, and as everyone else has said, they'll always be better behaved for GPs!!

Be kind to yourself, and take it slowly. I can't remember a 'break through' moment where it all changed, I just remember waking her up one day and realising that we both loved each other more than anyone else in the world, since then we've been best mates though at 2.5 she adores my sister so much it's like I don't exist when we visit... until she falls over and then I'm the only person she asks for haha

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me! I really appreciate it.

@Namestheyareachangin I think my baby is quite ‘high needs’. He’s rarely calm!

@KnittingSister I actually wondered whether that’s the case. I am quite slim and flat chested and DS seems to not be able to get comfortable on me, keeps moving his head about whereas MIL has a big bust and generally has more cushioning all over!

My DD lived with me when the baby was tiny and it was always easier for me to calm him. I think she got very stressed with his crying because she loved him so much. Although I loved him I could be a bit more impersonal and practical when seeing to his needs. Seeing her with him reminded me of how difficult I found it when my own where crying as babies.

It was a phase that very soon passed and then only Mum would do.

Echoing what everyone else says here - you’re his Mummy and he doesn’t prefer anyone to you!

I have a 5 month old girl and went through thinking similar, she would scream and scream on me as a tiny thing and I would end up in tears myself, the second my husband took her she’d calm and relax in his arms. I’m certain now it was because she was feeling how tense I was and that’d unsettle her. Even now if I’m having a bad day emotionally she will pick up on it, they’re clever little things. You’re doing a great job, don’t worry.