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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my brother is selfish

53 replies

wetnosedog · 18/06/2019 00:23

I’m in my early twenties and live with my mother and 18 year old brother. My brother has always been a deep sleeper, but in the past three or four years he hasn’t been getting up, he stays in bed. He has missed quite a few days at school because he doesn’t get up in time. He’s been to the doctor and there are no physical or psychological causes for this. He basically just decides not to get up and says he “didn’t wake up”. Last week I was shouting at him at the top of my voice to wake him up and he didn’t flinch. He often doesn’t wake up until 2pm.

My mum is at work during the day and I have finished my exams so have been at home while I try to find a job. My brother has only a couple of exams left, so he is at home most days too. We’ve been having some problems with our kitchen, so last week a man came to fix it and I got up to let him in when he arrived at 9.30am. The man didn’t leave until lunch time so I had to stay at home throughout this time. He is coming back again this week. I have asked my brother if he will deal with the plumber this time, but he has basically said no because he’ll be asleep. I suggested setting an alarm, but he said it won’t waken him (he is capable of choosing to sleep through an alarm, but equally he has been able to get up with an alarm when he’s really had to, eg for an exam). Basically he expects me to get up and deal with the plumber.

My issue isn’t actually dealing with the plumber, although it would be nice to have a break this time, but more with my brother’s attitude. It’s not just a one off; last week he missed a significant personal event that was really important to me and which I wanted him to come to, because he didn’t get up. It wasn’t even early - it was at 12pm! He also didn’t even mention it afterwards or apologise for missing it. I’ve tried talking to him reasonably, and explaining that his approach isn’t fair and that he shouldn’t just expect me to deal with things so that he can sleep until the afternoon. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my needs - it’s all about his wants and needs. But it’s impossible to talk to him because he just closes himself off and says that I’m being unreasonable and emotional and passive aggressive. I’ve read online that I should put consequences in place - but how can I put consequences on my 18 year old brother? He just doesn’t care and it doesn’t affect him. The whole situation makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or value my needs.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 18/06/2019 00:33

A) you are right, he doesn't respect you and your needs, only his own wants
B) your parents do the consequences, not you, but peer consequences are eg: no longer inviting people who are always late/don't shower, etc.

RubberTreePlant · 18/06/2019 01:01

He’s been to the doctor and there are no physical or psychological causes for this. He basically just decides not to get up and says he “didn’t wake up”. Last week I was shouting at him at the top of my voice to wake him up and he didn’t flinch. He often doesn’t wake up until 2pm.

1)A person faking sleep would surely flinch at loud noise.

  1. One trip to the GP isn't enough to rule out all all physical and mental illness.
AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/06/2019 01:05

Don't ask him, tell him you have to be somewhere that day so he has to be up for the plumber.

violetbunny · 18/06/2019 01:25

The issue is that there are no consequences for his behavior. There is no incentive for him to change, only to carry on being a lazy arse.

newmomof1 · 18/06/2019 01:44

Your poor mum - going to work full time to be able to provide for her two adult children, neither of whom currently provide any financial support, and neither of whom are even willing to take 3 hours out of their empty days. How hard was it to deal with the plumber that makes you feel you need a break this time?

I think you and your brother are both unreasonable and your mom should kick you into touch.

PS he doesn't owe you a thing. The way you speak about putting 'consequences' in place is ridiculous

carla1983 · 18/06/2019 02:14

Are you sure your brother doesn't have DSPD (delayed sleep phase disorder.) It took years for mine to be diagnosed and GPs often do not consider it. It involves sleeping in until 12pm or 2pm or even later, and means you have a very rigid sleep pattern and cannot get up earlier. In the US it's classed as a sleep disability because people with DSPS are hard to wake (they sleep through alarms) and cannot shift their body clock to something society considers more normal. It usually has its onset around adolescence.

BagpussAteMyHomework · 18/06/2019 02:52

I think you need to leave your mum to deal with your brother and don’t get involved if he misses stuff. Let him sleep in and take the consequences. If you think he might be ill you can mention your concerns and offer support but it’s not your responsibility to sort it - you are not his mum and he is an adult at 18!

Re the plumber this affects your mum so for her sake I’d suck it up and help out. It’s annoying but not to do so would be petty and as you are living in her house it’s kind of the least you can do. It’s extremely unfair on your mum if neither of you step up when things need doing given that you are both benefiting from living there. Certainly talk to your mum if you think you are being expected to do more than your brother but don’t stop doing your share. If he doesn’t do his chores then leave it to your mum to deal with it and decide the consequences.

Hopefully you’ll get a job soon and will be out earning, making a financial contribution to the household expenses and being generally unavailable while you are working so he’ll have to step up.

You do have my sympathy - my brother wouldn’t do anything - and I mean anything - around the house when we were teens/young adults and it made my blood boil that my mum let him get away with it while I did loads.

Totur · 18/06/2019 03:22

You're not his mother.

Alicewond · 18/06/2019 03:31

Extreme fatigue and lethargy can be symptoms of many disorders which can be difficult to diagnose. I would speak kindly to him of seeing the docs again and explaining his need for so much sleep and inability to wake when called for. But in reality it’s up to your parents to deal with this if he isn’t in a fit position to

PregnantSea · 18/06/2019 04:01

Tell your mum that won't be around for the plumber because you have to be somewhere. She can ask your brother to let him in.

It sounds frustrating as hell but ultimately this is for your mum to deal with. As the sister you can't really dole out punishments. I wouldn't definitely take his behaviour on board though and stop inviting him to stuff. He sounds like a shit.

PregnantOnPurpose · 18/06/2019 04:05

His lack of empathy and the sleeping issue ring huge depression alarm bells to me.

jemihap · 18/06/2019 05:42

To be perfectly honest you don't sound much better than your brother.

You ''had to get up at 9.30'' to deal with the kitchen man...Oh the horror, having to get up at 9.30 and sit around the house for a couple of hours, how did you ever cope?
And now you want him to get up for the plumber so you can ''have a break'' from having to deal with that equally onerous task.

I think you're both going to be in for a shock when you have to venture into the big bad world of working full time.

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 05:59

If you have somewhere you need to be like a job interview or training then tell your mum you can't be home. If not I'd be there to help your mum out. It's not your job to sort your brother out. You can choose what you do. You could move out and then it won't be your problem.

herculepoirot2 · 18/06/2019 06:00

He sounds a lazy shite, but he is 18. It’s not your place to punish him. I feel sorry for your mum.

GertrudeCB · 18/06/2019 06:18

Hmmm, my quirky sleeping patterns ( needing a lot, falling asleep very quickly) have always been a talking point in my family. Last year I had to stay in the sleep unit to rule out sleep apnea ( which I didn't have) and my traces picked up that I fall asleep ( deep sleep) very quickly, like only 2% of the population would do this. Also I appear to be awake ( sit up, picked up a book etc) when the trace showed that I was asleep. The doctor said I was at the extreme end of normal.
Your brother may not actually have as much control over the situation as you presume he does.
Leave it to your mum.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 18/06/2019 06:19

Your mother needs to deal with him. Tell her you can't open the door this time and she'll have to take the day off work if your brother won't.

herculepoirot2 · 18/06/2019 06:22

Tell her you can't open the door this time and she'll have to take the day off work if your brother won't.

If my early twenties, unemployed child said this to me they would be firmly told they were opening the door, and if they couldn’t stretch to that they would be finding somewhere else to live.

You can’t seriously think it’s fine for the OP to lie in bed while her mum takes annual leave to deal with the plumber?

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 18/06/2019 06:36

You can’t seriously think it’s fine for the OP to lie in bed while her mum takes annual leave to deal with the plumber?

You can't think it's fine for the brother to lie in bed, surely? Op needs to say she'll be out that day and the mother will have to deal with the brother. The mother has let this happen, she needs to deal with it.

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 06:36

I agree about the fact you can’t do the telling off.
However, you are his sister and there is no reason why you should accept his laziness wo a word.
Just like friends, if someone isn’t giving a toss about you will have some consequences, so does it about him.

Stop making concessions for him and help him etc... he doesn’t want to get up, doesn’t turn up for an event that is important to you? Fine but I hope you are also not bending over backwards for him.
The plumber is an issue between you and your mum (even though I would also expect her to actually do something about it - which seems unlikely).

herculepoirot2 · 18/06/2019 06:39

DaisiesAreOurSilver

Of course I don’t, but the brother is 18, he’s a kid. The OP is in her twenties. I certainly wouldn’t expect to be told to take the day off. I would expect some maturity.

SleepyGuineaPig · 18/06/2019 06:42

People, stop honing in on the one issue of the bloody plumber. OP has clearly described a pattern of behaviour in which her brother refuses to help or support his family because he
‘can’t wake up’, but is capable of waking up when it’s something important to him. OP isn’t furious because on this one occasion she has to wait in for the plumber, she’s upset because of her brother’s consistent refusal to pull his weight or assist his family, behaviour for which she has to pick up the slack.

I don’t have any good advice, OP, but it sounds hugely frustrating. I agree there could still be a medical aspect - it does sound a bit like depression. It might be worth trying to have another conversation with your brother to try and open him up on that. Alternatively, if it’s something he really has to get up for, let him know the night before that you will be ringing alarms / removing bed clothes / physically dragging him out of bed, and then follow through. It shouldn’t be your job, but if he’s just being lazy he needs to learn he can’t just turn it into a war of attrition by pretending to be asleep until you give up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2019 06:46

You “had to get up” to let the plumber in at 9.30. Wow. That’s late! If you were that serious about getting a job, you’d be up looking for one. I pity you mother. She’s supporting two lazy arsed adults. Unless you have a job interview, too darn right you can be up. Your 18 brother isn’t the only selfish one.

When I finished university, I temped and looked for a job.

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 06:47

She doesn't have to pick up the slack though (and I genuinely don't think an unemployed person answering the door and being in the house when a plumber is here is slack). He does sound lazy but the OP is an adult and doesn't have to live there. As she does live there and is unemployed I think it's fair enough she answers the door unless she has something significantly better to do. We

jameswong · 18/06/2019 06:50

What on earth? What's this got to do with you? Are siblings parenting their siblings a thing now? This has nothing to do with you. I actually find it quite creepy you talking about him not respecting "your needs" he's not your lover ffs.

Get job. Move out. Move on with life. Forget about it.

Tell your Mum you'll be at the gym when the plumber comes and let her deal with your brother.

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 06:51

Alternatively, if it’s something he really has to get up for, let him know the night before that you will be ringing alarms / removing bed clothes / physically dragging him out of bed, and then follow through.

Nope. I fully disagree with that. There is no reason why an 18yo should be babied that way. Besides, 1- he isn’t the OP’s responsibility. He is her brother, not her child and 2- he has shown he is able to get up if he has decided to.
And if he missed an exam/whatever important stuff it is, then he needs to learn from that. Protecting him from the natural consequences of it behaviour won’t help.