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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my brother is selfish

53 replies

wetnosedog · 18/06/2019 00:23

I’m in my early twenties and live with my mother and 18 year old brother. My brother has always been a deep sleeper, but in the past three or four years he hasn’t been getting up, he stays in bed. He has missed quite a few days at school because he doesn’t get up in time. He’s been to the doctor and there are no physical or psychological causes for this. He basically just decides not to get up and says he “didn’t wake up”. Last week I was shouting at him at the top of my voice to wake him up and he didn’t flinch. He often doesn’t wake up until 2pm.

My mum is at work during the day and I have finished my exams so have been at home while I try to find a job. My brother has only a couple of exams left, so he is at home most days too. We’ve been having some problems with our kitchen, so last week a man came to fix it and I got up to let him in when he arrived at 9.30am. The man didn’t leave until lunch time so I had to stay at home throughout this time. He is coming back again this week. I have asked my brother if he will deal with the plumber this time, but he has basically said no because he’ll be asleep. I suggested setting an alarm, but he said it won’t waken him (he is capable of choosing to sleep through an alarm, but equally he has been able to get up with an alarm when he’s really had to, eg for an exam). Basically he expects me to get up and deal with the plumber.

My issue isn’t actually dealing with the plumber, although it would be nice to have a break this time, but more with my brother’s attitude. It’s not just a one off; last week he missed a significant personal event that was really important to me and which I wanted him to come to, because he didn’t get up. It wasn’t even early - it was at 12pm! He also didn’t even mention it afterwards or apologise for missing it. I’ve tried talking to him reasonably, and explaining that his approach isn’t fair and that he shouldn’t just expect me to deal with things so that he can sleep until the afternoon. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my needs - it’s all about his wants and needs. But it’s impossible to talk to him because he just closes himself off and says that I’m being unreasonable and emotional and passive aggressive. I’ve read online that I should put consequences in place - but how can I put consequences on my 18 year old brother? He just doesn’t care and it doesn’t affect him. The whole situation makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or value my needs.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 18/06/2019 06:52

Tell your Mum you'll be at the gym when the plumber comes and let her deal with your brother.

So the OP gets to live rent-free and fuck off to the gym rather than take some responsibility for the house she lives in? Again, she would be finding somewhere else to live. Don’t get me wrong, I would be having words with the brother, but “sorry - off to the gym” with the money you don’t pay on rent? That would be enough for me.

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 06:53

james so you mean that it would be ok for the OP to be just obstructive and a pain the arse as her brother, making the life of her mum even harder. Even though she is living in her house??
Very strange.

And the OP is right. They are all living in the same house. Respecting other people is a pretty basic thing.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 18/06/2019 06:54

My ex was and still is like this. There was nothing with him he just honestly didn't give a shit about anyone. He's selfish OP and I don't think there is anything you can do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2019 07:02

jameswong
So op should make her mother take the day off work so she can go to the gym. Her mother is the only person in the household keeping a roof over their heads. And who’s paying for said gym membership? Mummy?

TatianaLarina · 18/06/2019 07:02

OP you just need to detach from him and have no expectations. Get on with your own life.

Either he’s depressed and not coping or he’s terminally lazy. There’s nothing you can do about either.

Just crack on with finding yourself a job and a place to live.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 18/06/2019 07:03

What time does he go to bed?

TeenTimesTwo · 18/06/2019 07:06

Surely the big thing is what time he goes to bed?

If he is up all night gaming and only goes to sleep at 5am then that's one thing.
If he goes to be at 10pm and sleeps through until 2pm that's quite another.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/06/2019 07:10

Surely a lot of 18 year olds sleep a lot...mine did anyway! But they would get up if they had to. They grew out of that phase eventually.
Just ignore him and go on with your own life. Your dm can sort it out. You just do what you can to help your dm as you are an adult living in her house.
Could you brother be taking drugs that would knock him out at times?

jameswong · 18/06/2019 07:11

@herculepoirot2 the OP did it last time. so the brother does it this time. and who's responsibility is it that the brother does it? his parents.

I also stated she should move out.

@mummyoflittledragon

no, her brother should do it

Are you all such doormats that when someone starts acting the c*nt like her brother your instinct is appeasement? The boy's parents (no mention of the father, quelle surprise) are responsible for the mess he's in. No one else. What if the plumber announces that due to an issue with the work, he'll need to come all day, every day, for the next 12 weeks? Tough shit for the OP? Fire up mumsnet for a moan?

SleepyGuineaPig · 18/06/2019 07:15

Nope. I fully disagree with that. There is no reason why an 18yo should be babied that way. Besides, 1- he isn’t the OP’s responsibility. He is her brother, not her child and 2- he has shown he is able to get up if he has decided to.
And if he missed an exam/whatever important stuff it is, then he needs to learn from that. Protecting him from the natural consequences of it behaviour won’t help.

But he has shown he can get up when the consequences are borne for him, but won’t when the consequences are borne by someone else. I agree the OP shouldn’t have to baby him, but if the alternative is that he always gets what he wants and she always has to pick up the slack from his selfishness, I think she would be well within her rights to actually force him to get up and help when he refuses. At the moment he knows that if he just holds out for long enough he will eventually get his way. He has no incentive whatsoever to change his behaviour. Why shouldn’t OP challenge that?

herculepoirot2 · 18/06/2019 07:25

Are you all such doormats that when someone starts acting the cnt like her brother your instinct is appeasement? The boy's parents (no mention of the father, quelle surprise)*

What’s it got to do with whether there is a father or not?

I am not a doormat. Nor am I such a dick that I would treat my mum like that.

GrumpyOHara · 18/06/2019 07:27

Sounds like a typical teenager to me!

RantyAnty · 18/06/2019 07:38

I have to laugh that everyone has a disorder these days!

He's just a lazy arse.

What does your mum think about him doing fuck all, all day every day?

I understand your anger isn't so much about doing stuff, but that your brother does fuck all.

Just open the door when the come back and speak to your mum about your brother.

crustycrab · 18/06/2019 07:42

"Tell your mum that won't be around for the plumber because you have to be somewhere."

Shock No, don't. Do it, because your mum needs you to. Your brother doesn't get his consequences from you. You need to get a job and contribute financially and stop being so hung up on your brother.

Your mum must be so pissed off with the pair of you

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/06/2019 07:46

Is he a gamer?

Tbh OP you are living there, presumably for free as you are unemployed. I would expect you to be in for trades/do some housework/food prep. I would expect the same from your brother too but just because your mum needs to come down firmer on him doesn't absolve you of your responsibilities.

"I had to get up at 9.30!" Grin

MyToothPain · 18/06/2019 08:00

Teenage brothers can be assholes 🤷🏼‍♀️

You need to support your mum as much as you can, financially and emotionally if it transpires that your brother has some condition or if he in fact is just an asshole.

Go get a bar job. Today. And set an example to your brother.

paddington34 · 18/06/2019 08:01

Why do you need a break from your busy life of being unemployed? Yes your brother is lazy but he is 18 and most of them are like that unless there are consequences, which are for your mum to put in place not you. Don't refuse to deal with the plumber, your mum doesn't need the hassle. Be a grown up and deal with it yourself.

pepperpot99 · 18/06/2019 08:04

Your db is a lazy selfish tosser. He is being pandered to and knows it.

My modus operandi would involve loud shouting, jugs of cold water, deprivation of all technology and cutting off the WiFi. See how that works OP. He's a self indulgent wanker, basically.

Soubriquet · 18/06/2019 08:08

First thing first, leave your brother to suffer his own consequences.

Don’t wake him up for anything.

Second thing, you live in your mother’s home. Pull your finger out and deal with the plumber.

EssentialHummus · 18/06/2019 08:13

What time does he go to bed?

This.

Peachesandcream14 · 18/06/2019 08:22

He sounds like my younger DB, I couldn't stand living with him so moved out. I'd be upping your job search and moving into your own place/a share house with other young adults asap. Like you it was always me who ended up doing all the favours for my parents while also looking after my toddler while unemployed DB snores away upstairs. He is the golden child though and my parents would never ask anything of him which only added to my frustration. In his case it is pure laziness, he stays up till the early hours gaming so won't get up until the afternoon.

Deuxcaggages · 18/06/2019 08:35

Try chucking a nice cold bucket of water over him next time he won’t get up, see if that will move his arse. If he sleeps through that then he needs to go the docs.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/06/2019 08:36

He's up all night on his phone/consoles.

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 08:48

The OP probably won't reply for a while because she's probably still asleep Grin

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 18/06/2019 09:30

18 a kid?

No. Just a selfish young adult.