AIBU about compromise?

[Itsreallyallovernow]

My relationship of several years recently ended. I'm reflecting on some of the issues we had and realising they were mostly his issues and not mine but one of the things he would often hold us as an issue of mine was compromise. He insisted that I didn't get compromise and that caused us problems.

One issue was where I live. I bought my home with my DCs dad, who still owns part of it (which will be realised when the DC leave home and house is sold).

Because of this my partner said he couldn't live there.

Houses here are very expensive. My house needs work so I couldn't rent it out in its current state (in order to rent somewhere else). Without renting my house out I'd struggle to find more than £600-800 for rent and houses a similar size to mine are £2k or more to rent. So I couldn't afford to rent somewhere else unless it was much smaller and I think that is unfair on my DC especially as they've lived in this house all their lives and will be leaving home in 3-5 years probably any way.

He said this was me not compromising. But if the only compromise is a smaller house that'll cost me extra money every month I don't really feel that is a realistic compromise. AIBU?

Another instance was time together. He moved 4 hours away a few months ago (previously lived locally) and since then I have spent about 1 weekend a month 'away' at his new home. 2 of the other 3 weekends he used to stay at mine. In the week he works an hour away. He thought I should drive down after work to meet him and the fact I didn't in 6 months was again my failure to compromise (instead some weeks but not all he would travel up 1 evening to see me. When he lived locally we saw each other almost every evening).

Is this really me not compromising or is it just him putting an unfair slant on things?

What did he compromise on?! Sounds like you ‘not compromising’ was really you just not doing what he told you to do.

He was a twat for not moving into your house just because your ex owned it too.

You could have driven down to meet him after work now and then I guess, but he sounds like a knob so I don’t blame you for not feeling motivated to do so!

Your dc are connected to your ex. Does he not want them either?
Bloody manchild...
Ltb

His compromise was living round here for years (he wanted to move back for ages before he did) so he could still see me.

He wanted me to move with him but I always said I couldn't as my DC didn't want to leave this area, so it would have to wait until they had left home. Again that was me not compromising!

I do get him not wanting to live here in an ideal world but part of me thinks if he was that keen to live together he would have considered it. However he would see that as me not compromising.

Compromise isn't a good thing in it's own right. Only within strong boundaries.

You had sensible boundaries. Like with the house, your money, your children's living conditions and the travel. He didn't like your boundaries. Tough. That's what makes them boundaries. Other people don't get to set them for you. You don't compromise a boundary.

You want to murder 4 people. I don't want you to murder anyone. I stop you murdering. Should I have compromised on two deaths? Compromised on a near fatal beating? No? There's a boundary there you see, it's so obvious you wouldn't even debate compromise. Yours are less obvious but they are still there and still valid and still yours and still not open to "compromise".

He sounds a right knobber.
Who would reasonably expect a child to move out of their home to suit them?
The last time i saw a definition of compromise it consisted of give and take, which to be fair, he was doing that but with the expectation that you would do all the giving and he would do all the taking.
You sound well rid OP.

That makes a lot of sense. He always presented it as me being difficult and refusing to compromise but I dont think I was. Not always.

Women are allowed to be "difficult".

Some men prefer easy women.

Me, I'm proud of being one of the world's difficult women.

I think it's different when there is kids involved. If it was just you then maybe you could have both compromised living somewhere smaller or with a longer commute.

But to compromise by uprooting your kids from their home to make him happy? Nope! That's not compromise that's (to me) no putting your kids first, when they should be. What would they get out of it!?

I often refer to myself as difficult

I've worked hard for my house. He wants an easy life in a small house (his perfect home is a 2 bed bunglalow). I want to live somewhere me and my DC have space. And in later years I want enough room they and partners can still come and stay.

I think this is one of many incompatibilities between us. Maybe it is for the best that we're no longer together.

The point of dating is to discover any fundamental incompatibilities before committing.

From the tone of your posts, I rather suspect you ignored the red flags and let it drag on when you should have cut your losses.

Did he chuck you? Perhaps realising sooner than you that there are fundamental incompatibilities?

We were together for 6 years, I felt emotionally committed albeit we didn't live together for the aforementioned reasons.

We had a number of issues (we have had to deal with some really major issues in the last 3 years like bereavement, serious illness, MH issues, and that took it's toll) ; I thought our plan was to have a temporary break and then work through them in counselling. His idea was that we should see other people but stay friends in case he can't meet anyone else . I said I didn't want to be his friend in those circs and that we were done. I have made huge efforts to help him with all his issues because I believed in us. He thinks he can do better, so be it.

Tbh, sounds like it was always a bad match but you were ignoring the issues because your emotional energy was taken up elsewhere.

You've got your own kids, you and he don't live together, counselling isn't appropriate anyway. You can do better than him.

Compromise guarantees that you both end up with something neither of you wanted.

My DP and I are often not on the same page, rather than compromise we'll list what we each like from the thing in question (i.e. light fitting) and find one that ticks all of those boxes.

We try really hard to collaborate rather than compromise.

You are a good mum for refusing to uproot your kids for a boyfriend.

We were really happy for a long time, we had a lot in common, loved being in each other's company to the exclusion of others, had very similar views. But ultimately it hasn't worked out.

It's helpful to see that this thing about how I can't compromise may not all be my issue.

Your mode of thinking seems quite depressed.

It's helpful to see that this thing about how I can't compromise may not all be my issue

There's an alternative way of looking at exactly the same situations. One where there aren't damaged wrong people with issues going round messing up relationships. Instead normal people with different needs, reasonable needs, that just happen to be incompatible.

We had some good years, really helped each other through some rough times but then as things settled down it became clear we each wanted quite different things from life and there was no middle ground that would suit us both. It's a shame because the good times were so good. I hope he finds someone who is right for him. As for me, I have learned more about what is most important to me in life so I'm sure things will look better for me soon.

Just noticed to the exclusion of others

Work on building your friendships back up and next time don't ditch them for a bloke. Having friends makes everything so much easier.

The house is an understandable sticking point. I think you know that. Were you honest from the start you'd never move? Why would the house be smaller if you were moving in together?

Not going to see him when he as an hour away I can see why that would hurt him.

I don't think this is about compromise, but I possibly would be hurt by your lack of effort if I'm honest.

You have rightfully put your dc first in both examples you give, those are things you can't and shouldn't 'compromise' on. When you have a family, a house and toots in an area those are red lines you have stay within and if a relationship can't work because of commitments you have to your child's life and stability then so be it.

It does sound like you're better off without him.

Thank God you are rid of him and didn't "compromise" because you would have been in the shit right now.
He wanted everything his own way and for you to jump when he said how high.
I'm glad you put you and your DC first as that always has to be your main priority.

He wanted everything his own way and for you to jump when he said how high

Are we on different threads? He came to see her two weekends a month, she went to see him one. He came to see her most weeks for an evening, she never went to see him even once. He stayed for years in a location he didn't wish to be in to see her.

How is he the one wanting it all his own way?

Initially we talked about him moving in here, but we planned to be together at least a couple of years by then...then as we got closer to that timeframe he said he didn't feel comfortable doing so, plus also he wanted to buy his own home and build up some equity (he was going to buy but at some point rent it out however the purchase fell through and he spent the deposit money elsewhere)

So when he said he didn't want to move in here the only option if we did want to live together in the short term, was to rent somewhere locally, but the cost was prohibitive unless I/ we rented a smaller house (as we both could only afford £600-800 each and houses this size are £2k plus). He thought that was acceptable, I didn't. If I'd been able to rent out this house that would have helped but I struggle to get jobs completed being away at least 1 weekend a month and although he has given some help on occasion he was always clear it was my house and my responsibility to complete or outsource completion of whatever needed doing.

So we carried on living apart, and then he chose to move away, and live away during the week.

I hate to say it but I reckon he was never that into you. I think you wanted to believe he was more committed than he ever was. You believed what you wanted to believe and what he said, ignoring the evidence of actions and results.

He wants to move in with you and the kids and make a life together honest he does except that...

He wants to buy his own place instead. OK. Except he didn't.

He doesn't want to live in your former marital home. OK. Alternatives?

He'll rent but only a place that's too small and too expensive. A deal that no person would ever agree to so not a real offer. It seems this line strung you along the longest.

One of his "offers" depends on you renting out your place but he knows you cannot rent it out. He specifically tells you he will not help you make it saleable or lettable. His reason - he doesn't want to invest in your life, it would be a waste for him.

He wants to be with you honest but he has to move to four hours away and see you much less often as a result.

He wants to be with you honest but you have to rip the kids out of school and home to move to his town and make a financial loss at the same time. Yeah right, serious offer on his part. Not.

He really wants to be with you but he wants a break where you see other people. Erm.

You do need counselling my love but not couples counselling. Personal counselling. You've been played. Life partnership was never on offer. You believed the words you wanted to be true rather than the actions.

All this mutual support you mention, I wonder was it mutual or was it mainly you supporting him? Do you feel good when you fix and rescue?