WIBU young child hitting and swearing at parent?

[ExhaustedGrinch]

More of a what would you have done but was I being unreasonable to say nothing in this situation?

Feeding the birds with my DS (8) when a boy and his mum walk past (I assume mum as I've seen her collect him at school). We hear the child before we see him, shouting and yelling. As they get nearer this child (my son says he's in year 3 but he looked older) is shouting at his mum calling her a bitch and a bastard, he then proceeds to hit her hard in the stomach! Poor mum looked embarrassed and quite frankly worn down, she said he'd have no gadgets that night but he continued as they walked on and we could hear the shouting going on for quite some time.

I felt heartbroken for her. Obviously I have no idea if there are SEN issues but was I unreasonable to not say something - words of support for mum? I'm thinking not because it could have escalated things or made mum feel shit? Yet I couldn't help feel awful for her and like I should have done something, especially as he hit her. What would you have done in this situation?

I could be wildly wrong on this.
I wasn't there and nor am I or do I profess to be an expert.
However my instincts tell on this occasion. He's just absolutely ruined and has no respect at all.
Hitting his mum good God.
Its hard to know really weather or not to say anything. Some parents wouldn't thank you. Theyd think you're judging and trying to step on their shoes. Their behavior is that appalling that its taken a stranger to deal with them
Whereas as some parents take the view of "Well if someone else's tells them, they might learn.

I don't think there was anything you could do - it's up to the Mum to ask for help if she needs it.

I have been (and still occasionally am) that Mum. DS has a disability which makes him swear and hit out when he gets distressed. I have got better at preventing it over the years but sometimes it just can't be avoided.

DS is 9 now and honestly is the most hilarious person with the kindest heart. I am a tough old boot who isn't embarrassed, hurt or worried by his behaviour. He is who he is and I am proud to be his Mum.

I’d be so worried about where he learnt to call her those names. This suggests DV to me personally.
Not sure what I would do though, could you befriend her at all?

Was the child wearing a school uniform, if so I would be tempted to inform the school as clearly something is off and perhaps support could change this.

However my instincts tell on this occasion. He's just absolutely ruined and has no respect at all.

My DS has sometimes acted like the child in the OP, he is neither ruined nor disrespectful, he has SN. Most times I can head off a meltdown or I can quickly hustle him home/somewhere else safe where he can burn himself out in private without hurting anyone but every now and again I miss the mark or it blows up from what seems like nowhere (it's never actually nowhere though) and he has a public meltdown. When he's in meltdown he can't cooperate or reason and will obstruct attempts to move him along with swearing, hitting, oppositional behaviour, etc. Good to know there are judgemental types like you around though, good work on your finely honed instincts

DS used to do this a lot when younger ( ASS/ ADHD) He is 14 now and can't even bear to hurt an insect . .He still gets overwhelmed but it manifests as freezing and retreating rather than getting aggressive around 99% off the time. When he was younger, he reacted aggressively 99% of the time. I am very hopeful that aggressive reactions will be at 0% by the time he is 18.

Just because that boy is aggressive now does not mean he always will be. It might mean that but it may not. Children do learn and improve with to but it can take years rather than weeks

A smile sometimes helps. A smile which suggests sympathy and empathy.

Never get involved in a situation like this as it will almost always aggravate a parent.

A child having a meltdown does not always equal SEN.
A child who is swearing and hitting does not always equal DV.
A child who is rude and inconsiderate does not always equal bad parenting.

The fact that the parent was attempting to give a child a consequence and was embarrassed, also assuming the mother wasn’t shouting and swearing back then I’d stay well out and absolutely no need to report to the school.

I would have probably smiled, maybe even made a comment to offer some kind of understanding. Whatever the reason for the child behaving this way, mum is clearly down.

Having Autistic children has made me see things in a completely different way though. Pre children I would probably have been a judgy bitch. Won't lie. Sometimes you don't understand unless you are there.

If you are really concerned have a quiet word with school and they will know if it is something to worry about or not (not that they will tell you)

Ds is 9 and due to his autism I have been on the receiving end of many a battering sadly. It’s life, I wouldn’t be offended by a quick “all ok?” But any more interference would only make things worse until I could calm him.

so..does she drop of in am at same time as you

My 5yo sometimes hits me. It horrendously embarrassing if he does it in public and I can see and feel the judging. It’s complex. We are still trying to work out why he does it but I can assure you it has absolutely nothing to do with DV or me not disciplining him, or any other reason you might come up with. What it does seem to correlate with is an inability to interpret and deal with his own feelings. All big emotions, anger and joy, are very difficult for him to contain. We are addressing this, with some success, but if he’s already angry then it’s not so easy to calm him down again. He may be unusual, he may be immature, we just don’t know yet.

My child has been like this attacking me and screaming at me since starting school 4 years ago he's neither spoilt or ruined, he has undiagnosed special needs that his old school was not supporting him with and it ended up where he threaten serious self harm because of the damage that school did to him, I was bullied by teachers because I wouldn't accept the bullsh*t they sprouted and this meant the kids clicked onto teachers blaming my child for everything so then he was bullied by the students. It affected my mental health to where I was close to a break down, never mind my child who had to go and deal with 5 days a week And you know what? We moved schools An got the support in place and he's happy most of the time of course he still has melt downs but not as severe or as long, he doesn't attack me, yes he shouts and sounds awful but that is do to with additional needs and we'll always have to manage them. But you did the correct thing doing nothing as that would of caused my child to melt down even more if he thought someone was looking and judging him at that moment where all self control has gone.

I usually see her around pick up time but not in the mornings. It's kind of a situation where I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't?

He just looked at her so hateful and angry it broke my heart, she was very meek which in her response which was possibly the 'right' way of dealing with it but she really did just look drained. Have never seen dad around and couldn't possibly know if there was any DV. I think I'll make the effort to smile and say hello when I see her next time.

I'm not sure about having a word with the school, does anyone know what they would be likely to do if I said anything?
I'm reassured by the responses though that I shouldn't have said/done anything at the time.

I have a DS who can publicly meltdown, and has been known to hit and kick at me in the street. The worst phase was the build up to SATs and it took months for that tension to pass. We're in the process of diagnosing SNs. We have so far identified dyspraxia, and he builds up a lot of frustration because writing hurts within minutes and he's unable to express himself with legible writing. He even struggles with his own name despite being a very bright, verbally articulate child. He tries so hard at school and all that, plus a lot of sensory issues that haven't been officially diagnosed yet means that when he sets foot out of school, it is very easy to trigger him into an explosive outburst of temper as he can no longer hold all that effort he's put in all day.

When this happens my priority is to get him safely home. He keeps an emergency can of coke in his bag so he has instant access to an energy boost, sometimes that diffuses him enough. There's no point getting too firm with him about his mood and actions because he is beyond rational decision making. There are consequences may be loss of tech time, but too much threat of that at the time is aggravating. A calm broken record is best, but it's hard to control your own emotions in that situation.

The mother's reaction described does sound familiar. I could handle a sympathetic smile. I probably wouldn't be able to cope with much verbal interaction as it is so draining to deal with him and I just want to get him to a safe space.

Swearing is easy for juniors age to pick up. It doesn't necessarily mean it's used liberally or abusively at home. DS is aware of some swear words. In his normal, rational state, he knows that there are powerful words for use in extreme situations and he has never yet used any. If he is in an extreme emotional state, it is possible that he could extend his vocabulary. So far he has limited himself to insults revolving around poo #winningatlife

99% of the time he's a delightful, caring, loving, intelligent hardworking child.

My dd sometimes hits me when we're out. I no longer act strict because it inflames the situation. It's really hard tbh.
As long as you weren't critical I'm not sure what else you could do. Telling the school possibly won't help, I've been asking for help for years and only got sporadic help from the school .

Those of you who have been through this/are going through this to say it can't be easy is an understatement! My son is awaiting an autism assessment and has a lot of complex problems. My son tends to direct his anger and frustration inwardly (bangs his head and has swallowed lego etc) - I think thats why I just felt so heartbroken for this boys mum today, I know how tiring and bloody hard it can be when your child acts out (and how other people can be judgy about it)!

Sorry starzig but judging by previous comments it's not true that he will end up in jail or dead, it may be that he (along with his parents) will learn different coping strategies that will help him to react differently to situations that can trigger violent behaviours.

I agree that SEN isn't an excuse for violence, but it is often an explanation.

I said if he continues.

Don’t be ridiculous starzig

Ok I'm sorry you are absolutely correct.

He will not get into any trouble at all for attacking people when he is older.

DC has SEN - this could be them.

Sometimes, there isn't help out there. And people insist there is because it makes them feel uncomfortable to believe that the help that is available is so inadequate. It's easier to put the failures onto the child and family for not asking for help / being uncooperative / not using the right techniques when the "experts" don't have a clue what it's like to live with. Just a thought.

OP you can’t say anything much when it is happening but you can be supportive later.

Starzig, The difference is as adults we have the choice to change job or not associate with people who make us feel bad or even the choice of just getting up and leaving a room for 5 mins to calm ourself.
Children are not afforded this right, someone deliberately winding them up as all children do on occasion more often that not get a reply off a teacher "oh just ignore them" or even told to stop telling tales, my child at 9 knows what he needs when he's sensory overloaded but at school he can't just take himself off to a quiet room to calm down, I much rather he had a meltdown at me who loves him enough to stand quiet and still in his storm of emotion with my arms ready for the reassuring cuddle than he explode at the child who's just being abit annoying. He is absolutely mortified when he's calm down enough and I'm under no doubt as he gets older and is able to articulate and work out better strategies to be able to function in the real world. That he will be an amazing caring successful person. Because 50 per cent of the time he's there already when strategies are adhered too an he supported the right way.