Rude and Money Obssessed Parents-in-Law

[IncandescentShadow]

(Former user, resurrected by account with a new username today).

Really just want to vent about my PIL. Married to DH for 8 years, together 14. PIL are retired, wealthish (biggish house, second home abroad, expensive holidays, inheritances, final salary pension schemes). DH and I have probably done the best for ourselves of all their children and are comfortably off, but have worked hard for it. My parents are dead. Children didn't happen for DH and me.

Anyway, PIL and BIL (married to DH's sister) are increasingly rude to me. Mainly FIL AND BIL but MIL can have a go too. Mainly seems to revolve around making scathing comments about my occupation (I'm a professional but gave up practise to run my own related, very successful business), my lack of children and what I happen to be doing at that particular time (once BIL had a go at me for being on my phone when relaxing after a family dinner). BIL is clearly an arse, and he seems to have brought out all the arsi-ness in FIL. So basically I refuse to visit now, due to the rudeness.

The problem is that I bump into them in public, and they have a go at me then. I was recently on a cross channel ferry, a business related trip, and came across FIL in the duty free shop. I was really surprised to see him, him less so, but anyway I greeted him warmly and we asked each other why we were travelling. When I said "for work", he immediately bawled out "but YOU don't work Incandescent", in the most scathing way possible. It was quite crowded, people turned round, it was designed to embarrass me and possibly cause a scene (it didn't, I just walked off, telling him he was being ridiculous). Then bumped into MIL, who was overly pleasant, possibly having heard the exchange. She then proceeds to regale me with how they could only manage 3 weeks in their holiday home abroad this trip, because they had to rush home to fly off to their Caribbean cruise. Anyway, that was a fairly pleasant exchange in comparison, but I actually felt a little bit shaken from FIL having a go at me on a cross channel ferry, of all places.

SIL, married to arsy BIL, is also bitchy towards me. I used to be a very competitive runner, and now older and with damaged joints, I still like to do a park run when I can. I was in their area, and SIL is one of these people who likes to be the expert on health, fitness and nutrition (despite being overweight and a non-exerciser) and she has got in with her local park run committee, and was one of the timekeepers that day. When my time arrived by email later that day, I was 3 minutes slower than I had actually been and recorded as finishing behind people I knew by name and had beaten. Thats the sort of thing she does.

The whole family are obsessed with money, and talking about it. FIL asked for money for Christmas one year from DH. FIL and MIL constantly go on about how I don't work hard enough (because I gave up practising to run my business). Its their common theme. I will never be good enough because I no longer work 16 hour days making money for someone else. FIL of course gave up work at 56 when he took early retirement and left MIL to continue working for the next 10 years. They criticised me for not earning more money because I decorated my house myself and DH fixes our second hand cars himself when he can, rather than putting them into a garage, or buying new cars on finance. I went to a better university than all of them (Oxbridge, sorry), so I get "jokes" about how I "pretended to go to Oxford but actually went to one of those colleges that uses the name". They all hate animals (except MIL) and I have committed the cardinal sin of not only having animals but my own small farm on which to keep them. I had to ask FIL one year to stop making nasty comments about how "all animals should be killed because they were dirty and a nuisance" just before midnight on Christmas Eve (a nativity scene on tv set him off) and of course then you get into the "Why should I?" "Whats wrong with saying that, I'm just speaking the truth" dialogue thats more like speaking with a juvenile delinquent than an adult male.

So anyway, I don't have much of a relationship with them now and I have told MIL its because FIL and BIL are rude. DH has slightly more contact with them, but only really at Christmas and sending cards for birthdays. Its a bit of a shame really. But what on earth do I do when I bump into them in public and they try to cause a scene? It totally ruins my whole day. I never do that park run any more because I don't want to bump into SIL and have my time made slower. It seems so ridiculous to have to avoid them so that they're virtually strangers now when there hasn't even been a massive falling out, but they are so rude to me, that I won't put myself in that position. I can't even have a conversation with them now because it quickly slides into verbal abuse. How do other people manage it?

honeygirlz OP, are you going to answer anyone's questions?

No-one has asked me any questions. People have commented. So in response to some comments, yours first-

My absence on this thread from 17.36 until now [21.30] was due to me going out training [20 mins run followed by an hour's cycling, very nice in the evening sunshine, and before someone tots that up and says it doesn't add up to the full length of absence, I drove to a nearby country park to do it. Then we ate dinner when I got home.

Bertrandrussel And mysteriously popping up on the cross channel ferry! So many coincidences.

Not really. 2 instances of meeting people you are related to by marriage in the past six year or so in the same small city that you live in isn't really something we need Inspector Poirot to deduce on.

For the avoidance of future doubt though, DH went on his own at Christmas, and they visited twice the previous year, without invitation, just turning up [on their way to the dreaded cross channel ferry, they pass by our house on their way south. They haven't visited uninvited this year, since I asked DH to have a word with them.

I have only started one thread today - this one. I have commented on 3 other threads, including the one about CF presents, where I mentioned FIL asking DH to give him money for Christmas, plus MIL a £100 or so present, in their emailed request. Also on the Rory Stewart thread, and I honestly can't remember the other one. I just don't have enough time to devote to sit on the internet, patiently listing and linking posters to threads!

I will address the parkrun comments once I have sent this, and looked up the actual date of the parkrun in question on my poweroften page.

Im0gen and others who have commented about the park run and its organisation

OK, I checked and the park run where my time and position were way out was on 03 November 2018. Its a small park run and doesn't have or need a huge number of volunteers. I really can't remember in detail whether SIL was scanning barcodes or writing down times but there were definitely only 2 and perhaps only 1 barcode scanner. I know what time I did and my time given is way out by minutes, as is my position, as there was an older vet male that I sprinted to pass just before the finish who has finished 3 minutes ahead of me on the results. I know his name and club.

Now, I don't really care about park run that much. I don't race it, well not very seriously, I spent years racing seriously and have pbs of under 40 and 20 for 10 and 5k and was a half decent club standard 1500 and 3000m runner. I can't run very fast any more because my knees are buggered and I don't train much, but I still like to keep fit. That said, that day was particularly unpleasant weather and I did run hard, and I am aggrieved that someone like SIL who has never bothered to run in her life has taken away a better time from me.

I would never bother park run organisers about a wrong time, unless it cost me a top 3 position, and especially not when it happened months ago. And I do wonder how much influence SIL has over the results there. It is a very small one and I was really surprised when I saw her there, but then I realised that park run is tied into the local school PTA and she is no doubt trying to be a big cheese in that.

I'm really interested in knowing what she could have done to change my result. Could she have swapped me with someone else? Or altered the email sent out to all finishers somehow? I know where I finished and in what time.

She was also really odd when I went up and spoke to her after everyone was finished, to thank her for standing in the freezing cold to help out. This was before I realised what a biatch she was, so I tried to engage her in a little bit of conversation about the run and so on, and it was like drawing blood out of a stone. She virtually had her lips clenched shut and I was getting one word answers. It was actually embarrassing. I don't know her all that well - I've only really met her at PILs and been to her house once at Christmas years ago. It was obvious she absolutely detested me and didn't want to speak to me, even to be polite. It was pretty odd behaviour at a park run and then when my time came back wrong, I wasn't even that surprised.

I am not going to waste the time of park run organisers about this, but as I say, I am really interested in hearing what she could have done to change the results. I was 10th female finisher and by my reckoning, should have been 6th or 7th, give or take a few seconds. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, I really feel so slow now compared to where I used to be that I just want to sort of blend in at park runs, do my run and go away again without any fuss!

I'm really interested in knowing what she could have done to change my result. Could she have swapped me with someone else? Or altered the email sent out to all finishers somehow? I know where I finished and in what time

The only way she could have altered your results is as I outlined above. No one writes down any times at parkrun. The emails are sent out automatically and anyway they are based on the spreadsheet which you can see online.

Very few people at each parkrun have access to the computer system. Understandably they don’t want unskilled people messing with it and there are GDPR requirements for anyone who has access to personal data.

As I said, the system is very robust and there are check and balances built into it.

It’s a great deal of work and a high level of planning and deception for someone to go to just to alter the times of a distant relative they have met a few times who may or may not run that particular week.

I also don’t understand how you can know that you should have been the 6th or 7th female finisher. The only people who could know that are those watching the race and counting . You can’t know as a runner unless you can see the whole course ahead of you, like at York parkrun . Even then it’s very hard to spot the 6 women in the group of 30-40 ahead of you.

The only people who know accurately their position are the first few (as they are racing each other ) and the last ( as they are with the tail runner).

So I find your story hard to understand.

OP. You have no children to complicate things. You practically never see these people. You have your own business and a farm to run. You have had two unpleasant unexpected meetings in 6 years. They are horrible people that you have nothing in common with.

So just ignore them and get on with your life.

So you have had one unpleasant meeting in 6 years?

Because, to be honest, sounds like you are reading far too much into the park run. I very much doubt she change your time.

You dont need advice. You need to just carry on as you are.

No-one has asked me any questions. People have commented. So in response to some comments, yours first-

Er, yes, I asked you two questions.

it doesn't sound like you're regularly running into them?

how often are you likely to run into PIL on a cross channel ferry?

I'm guessing they're jealous or in awe of you having your own business whilst they had 9-5s?

Op it sounds like your talking about my partners parents they are exactly the same towards me I’m not good enough for them or their family because I don’t work everyone in their family works I have been called some horrible things by them. They loved me to begin with and then turned on me for no reason funny thing is all the things they are bullying me over is the same stuff that is ok for my partners dad to do he doesn’t work just sits at home all day and that’s alright it’s just because it’s me that it’s not alright now suddenly his dad has decided that he wants grandkids over my dead body will he get to see mine and my partners kids. They keep going on about how we should buy a house would love to know what money they think we should use to buy a place. I’ve completely cut them out of my life but that doesn’t stop them from saying things about me to my partner they haven’t yet realised that they are the reason why he refuses to go and see them they blame me for that as well. Just keep ignoring them as best you can OP but I completely understand what your going through because it’s happening to me as well.

I'm guessing they're jealous or in awe of you having your own business whilst they had 9-5s?

That's not a question. It's a supposition.

Which is why I said I asked TWO questions.

“I'm guessing they're jealous or in awe of you having your own business whilst they had 9-5s?

That's not a question. It's a supposition.”

And a pretty bizarre supposition at that. The “They must be jealous” thing is so Mumsnet. It’s what we say to kids to make them feel better about someone being vile to them. It’s not actually real!

Bertrand, what else would you call it when OP has a very successful business yet PIL accuse OP of not working?

It was a supposition inviting OP to either confirm or deny it, I wasn't stating that it was real.

"“They must be jealous” thing is so Mumsnet. It’s what we say to kids to make them feel better about someone being vile to them. It’s not actually real!"

I have to disagree here, alot of the time people can be vile to someone is because they are jealous. Has nothing to do with mumsnet, its reality.

My neighbour helps to organise a charity run every year, which is run for them by a professional team. She explained how the times were worked out it is all so complicated (computers) which is why the village do not do it themselves. I call bullshit on anyone being able to fiddle it.

Putting their personal views on you to one side, it's a shame that they can't be a little nicer to you for the very simple fact that their son loves you and you make him happy. To me this says they're just self centered egotistic morons. I think about my own family....all shapes, sizes, walks of life, sexualties etc but we like each other because the chosen partners make our loved ones happy.

I found laughing at a toxic relative totally blindsided her. Just that. Then walk away. They like to get a reaction, not giving it destroys the 'reward' of a) seeing you upset and b) getting attention. The first time she was just mortified & shut up instantly. The 2nd she descended into screaming swear words but shut up quickly as I'd already walked away & people were staring & commenting. After that she just avoided me. Result.

“I found laughing at a toxic relative totally blindsided her.“

I’m sure that would work- but you’d have to see them more often than once a year for it to be effective, surely?

Im0gen I also don’t understand how you can know that you should have been the 6th or 7th female finisher. The only people who could know that are those watching the race and counting . You can’t know as a runner unless you can see the whole course ahead of you, like at York parkrun . Even then it’s very hard to spot the 6 women in the group of 30-40 ahead of you.

Honestly I can proffer no explanation but my time and position are way out. So it must be possible.

The only people who know accurately their position are the first few (as they are racing each other ) and the last ( as they are with the tail runner).

Thats not true. I did a lot of track when I was fast, and I still always start near the front, so I always know how many women are in front of me. I always have a pretty good idea of my position in the race. Thats really not an accurate thing to say at all, and I'm rather surprised by it. So typically for me, I would start off in 3rd or 4th place woman, aware of another 2 women ahead of me, and possibly being passed by 2 or 3 more as I run out of stamina/speed endurance. Perhaps you are still thinking of very large park runs with hundreds of runners, at this one there wouldn't have been much over a hundred people. Even in larger races, I always pretty much know my position in the womens' field, unless it was something like a big city centre 10k, and even then, if I was as fast as I used to be and in contention for the top ten or maybe even top 3, I would certainly know what placed woman I was! I realise park run is different and not so competitive, but I think all regular racers are the same.

So I find your story hard to understand.

I can't account for that, but I know something was done to my time, its never happened before in parkrun and I also find your remarks about women in the top ten not knowing their position in the race a bit baffling.

Disclaimer - I'm not wanting to get all obsessed about this, I am simply responding because I was challenged. ParkRun is great for everyone, the focus is on participation rather than placing and its really well organised.

I have bumped into them twice in 8 months. Not 6 years. That was a typo. We used to be closer but FIL and BIL's behaviour has deteriorated in that time and is now quite bullying and abusive to me.

I can't say whether or not they are jealous, FIL's constant badgering of me for "not working" is very peculiar. What he means by "not working" seems to be not holding down a 9 to 5 job working for someone else. So he would probably say that Lord Sugar or Richard Branson or Jamie Oliver don't work (except he wouldn't, because they're men and his strange obsession seems only to apply to women). As I say, the lazy **er gave up work himself at about 56 to retire while his wife worked on for a further 10 years. I used to be a teacher, and he used to say I was unemployed during the summer holidays! He seems obsessed with constantly monitoring women for signs of not being out there earning.

Before BIL came on the scene, DH was quite close to his parents and we visited every couple of months. It was something we looked forward to and enjoyed. Now DH only sees them at Christmas, and I'm not sure if he will even do that next year, as PIL took him to BIL's and SIL's house on Boxing Day and he was made to sit at a separate table with the children in a child sized seat with his knees up near his chin. He wasn't happy. Being charitable, I would say that perhaps BIL and SIL weren't expecting him, but surely they could have found something for him to sit on at the main table!

They're an odd bunch. I don't think about them too much day to day but every so often they do bother me. Whether its an email (once got an email to a family birthday saying "Your attendance is required" in capital letters) or an uninvited visit (hopefully thats stopped now), contact with them is generally unpleasant. They come across as a bit scary and aggressive, which I'm sure they would deny - they like to think of themselves as some sort of epitomy of wealthy middle class examples of how to live your life that everyone else should follow!

There is absolutely NO law that prevents you from smiling coolly at these twats & advising them to fuck off.

Given that your DH appears less than enamoured by his family, it's not going to cause drama between you & him - so why on EARTH are you putting up with their insane rudeness?

They do it because you let them get away with it.

Next time, tell them clearly that you married their son/brother, not them, have no interest in engaging with their unpleasantness, & will be pleased to never hear from them again.

You typed 6 years instead of 8 months?

Ok, so you have run into ful once in the past 8 months. You ran past sil. I very much doubt she has anything to do with your time being wrong.

If you live in the same area, of course you will pass then. Just keep on passing.

Before this 8 months, when did you last bump into them.

I actually think you are enjoying making this into a big deal that it isnt.

You ran past someone you dont like. Tou seem to think it definitely must be their fault your run time was wrong.

You bumped into someone you dont like and they made a negative comment.

I dont get all thinking you are putting into this. Just keep doing what you are doing.

As I said- I don’t understand why you have to have anything to do with them. You’ve got a successful business and a farm to run. Just get on with your life.

Some of your circs are identical to mine but luckily my in-laws aren’t quite as bad and they have to fly to see us. Is your business of a type you could do from anywhere? (I.e. so you could move somewhere you won’t bump into them).

I see you have a farm but I’m sure you could sell up and buy one elsewhere...may be worth it (I find that, in this life, only the good ones die).

I'm with BertrandRussell.