Rude and Money Obssessed Parents-in-Law

[IncandescentShadow]

(Former user, resurrected by account with a new username today).

Really just want to vent about my PIL. Married to DH for 8 years, together 14. PIL are retired, wealthish (biggish house, second home abroad, expensive holidays, inheritances, final salary pension schemes). DH and I have probably done the best for ourselves of all their children and are comfortably off, but have worked hard for it. My parents are dead. Children didn't happen for DH and me.

Anyway, PIL and BIL (married to DH's sister) are increasingly rude to me. Mainly FIL AND BIL but MIL can have a go too. Mainly seems to revolve around making scathing comments about my occupation (I'm a professional but gave up practise to run my own related, very successful business), my lack of children and what I happen to be doing at that particular time (once BIL had a go at me for being on my phone when relaxing after a family dinner). BIL is clearly an arse, and he seems to have brought out all the arsi-ness in FIL. So basically I refuse to visit now, due to the rudeness.

The problem is that I bump into them in public, and they have a go at me then. I was recently on a cross channel ferry, a business related trip, and came across FIL in the duty free shop. I was really surprised to see him, him less so, but anyway I greeted him warmly and we asked each other why we were travelling. When I said "for work", he immediately bawled out "but YOU don't work Incandescent", in the most scathing way possible. It was quite crowded, people turned round, it was designed to embarrass me and possibly cause a scene (it didn't, I just walked off, telling him he was being ridiculous). Then bumped into MIL, who was overly pleasant, possibly having heard the exchange. She then proceeds to regale me with how they could only manage 3 weeks in their holiday home abroad this trip, because they had to rush home to fly off to their Caribbean cruise. Anyway, that was a fairly pleasant exchange in comparison, but I actually felt a little bit shaken from FIL having a go at me on a cross channel ferry, of all places.

SIL, married to arsy BIL, is also bitchy towards me. I used to be a very competitive runner, and now older and with damaged joints, I still like to do a park run when I can. I was in their area, and SIL is one of these people who likes to be the expert on health, fitness and nutrition (despite being overweight and a non-exerciser) and she has got in with her local park run committee, and was one of the timekeepers that day. When my time arrived by email later that day, I was 3 minutes slower than I had actually been and recorded as finishing behind people I knew by name and had beaten. Thats the sort of thing she does.

The whole family are obsessed with money, and talking about it. FIL asked for money for Christmas one year from DH. FIL and MIL constantly go on about how I don't work hard enough (because I gave up practising to run my business). Its their common theme. I will never be good enough because I no longer work 16 hour days making money for someone else. FIL of course gave up work at 56 when he took early retirement and left MIL to continue working for the next 10 years. They criticised me for not earning more money because I decorated my house myself and DH fixes our second hand cars himself when he can, rather than putting them into a garage, or buying new cars on finance. I went to a better university than all of them (Oxbridge, sorry), so I get "jokes" about how I "pretended to go to Oxford but actually went to one of those colleges that uses the name". They all hate animals (except MIL) and I have committed the cardinal sin of not only having animals but my own small farm on which to keep them. I had to ask FIL one year to stop making nasty comments about how "all animals should be killed because they were dirty and a nuisance" just before midnight on Christmas Eve (a nativity scene on tv set him off) and of course then you get into the "Why should I?" "Whats wrong with saying that, I'm just speaking the truth" dialogue thats more like speaking with a juvenile delinquent than an adult male.

So anyway, I don't have much of a relationship with them now and I have told MIL its because FIL and BIL are rude. DH has slightly more contact with them, but only really at Christmas and sending cards for birthdays. Its a bit of a shame really. But what on earth do I do when I bump into them in public and they try to cause a scene? It totally ruins my whole day. I never do that park run any more because I don't want to bump into SIL and have my time made slower. It seems so ridiculous to have to avoid them so that they're virtually strangers now when there hasn't even been a massive falling out, but they are so rude to me, that I won't put myself in that position. I can't even have a conversation with them now because it quickly slides into verbal abuse. How do other people manage it?

Sounds like they are, or consider themselves to be, big fish in their little pond. Then you came along - Oxbridge educated, a professional woman, confident & competent. They're rude because you're an affront to their self-image & will never forgive you for not having been dragged up through a gutter & suitably dazzled & in awe of their "opulence" & "jet-setting" life.

They sound awful but it doesn't sound like you're regularly running into them?

SIL's local park can be easily avoided as it's her area and how often are you likely to run into PIL on a cross channel ferry?

I'm guessing they're jealous or in awe of you having your own business whilst they had 9-5s?

Though, why you have resurrected an old account to start 2 threads moaning about seperate issues, is beyond me.

I haven't started two threads. Where is this second thread you think I started? Very confused.

I posted again on here because the ferry incident happened recently, and I wanted some people to talk about it with. Previously was spending too much time on mumsnet so came off it.

They'll be dead soon

Until then, I think I'd move to the other side of town

I would call them out on it at EVERY given opportunity:

"did you mean to be so rude?"

"have I done something to offend you? No? then why are you being a cunt so rude?"

And so on until they get the message

Rescue their son and run far far away together. Be happy and proud of yourselves, it is by far the best response to this nonsense.

They are jealous to death of you that's what it is, no doubt about it.
I would completely ignore them, just walk away if you see them when you are out and about.If they are causing a scene, then they are making themselves look stupid if they are ranting and raving in public.
If they start screaming and shouting and or being threatening I'd log it with the non emergency police number.

They sound absolutely awful. You can't talk to them, so I'd avoid them. If acknowledging them is unavoidable I'd say hello and that's it. You don't have to humour them.

I think the answer to one of FILs or BILs shitty remarks should be:

'You really are a cunt, aren't you?'

That should suffice.

Well you will not be expected to care for them in their twilight years that is going to be a barrel of laughs for BIL and SIL. There is your revenge

For the Parkrun, why don't you invite SIL to join you. "You simply must join in next week, it must be so frustrating watching from the sidelines, you'll do so well..."

Then watch her struggle.

When your FIL is boasting, perhaps try: "yes, it's important to keep busy in retirement, otherwise you start losing it. [look him up and down] Perhaps you should get a hobby.

Sorry if I am missing the point of the thread, but what you said about your SIL as timekeeper altering your results at parkrun is impossible.

The timekeeper just records the time each person crosses the line. Each person doesn’t have an ID ( eg Jane Smith) at that point, just a place ie number 147 and a time eg 00:30:35

The barcode scanner is the one who effectively assigns your parkrun ID Jane Smith A123456 to a place ie the number on your token .

For your SIL to alter the results she would have to collude with the barcode scanner AND guess which of the 5-6 people on duty you would go to.

Or she would have to go into the computer after all the results were processed and give your position 147 to the person after you so that everyone would move up and then make you person eg number 247.

Or allocate your position 147 to unknown ( ie no bar code ) and then give you another unknown position that was 3 mins slower.

If you think she has done this ( alter the computer ) then you need to make a formal complaint in writing to parkrun , as that’s a very Serious matter which they will certainly investigate. It has serious implications under GDPR as well.

They will know who has the online access to do this and on what day and time , it’s just a few people at each event.

Hope that helps.

Oh and most parkruns have a back up timekeeper as well, so there are two records not one. And there is a person who checks every so often that the tokens and the runners are lined up and haven’t got out of sync because someone dropped a token or skipped out of / didn’t go into the funnel after passing the timekeeper.

So there’s a lot of people who would have to be part of any foul play.

Sorry to go into so much detail but it’s important that other park runners ( and other athletes ) know that the time recording system is robust and usually accurate to with a couple of seconds. Certainly not out by 3 minutes.

I also want to emphasise that the organisation will take deliberate fraud very seriously . Please get in touch with then OP.

I will never be good enough

Gentle correction OP. They will never be good enough. You're fine as you are.

People who talk of nothing but money are beyond vulgar. They're tedious to be around and are fast going to find their company dwindling to nothing. Nobody likes a boaster. As Wilde once said, 'vanity is knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing'.

Ignore. If you meet them in the street walk by them. We don't speak to sil. Saw her at a couple of events last year and just pretended we didn't know her. If your inlaws call after you or try to stop you, just walk on. They'll be left looking like idiots, while you get to walk with your head held high. You really don't ever have to speak to them again, especially as your Dh doesn't put any pressure on you to attend family gatherings.

The park run thing is impossible OP. They must have just scanned your barcode later than those behind you somehow.

It's unfortunate that the DH family seem to be so numerous and bump into you at inopportune moments. I suspect whatever you morphed yourself into next they wouldn't be impressed or it wouldn't fit with their very rigid ideas. They sound so arrogant to feel that the model of other people's lives ought to mirror their own.
TBH.....youre giving these people too much mental bandwidth. This does lead me to question if you are actually as busy as you make out? No shame if you're not. Just get busy on other nice stuff and block the buggers out.

And mysteriously popping up on the cross channel ferry! So many coincidences.

Honestly, I'd just blank them. They sound utterly appalling and you don't owe them courtesy.

I haven't started two threads. Where is this second thread you think I started? Very confused.

There are so many threads on MN about batshit crazy/nasty/grabby PIL that I think it's easy to get them mixed up.

A bit off topic, but until I came on here I didn't really realize how fortunate I was. My SIL is a bit of a twit but my MIL has always been lovely and kind to me.

Just tune them out as much as you possibly can.

OP hasn't started a second thread, she's commented on someone's else's thread.

OP, are you going to answer anyone's questions?

You know on mumsnet “no” is an answer?
So is FUCK OF CUNT.
Then turn around and walk away.

Reply "I think you are confusing me with someone who gives a fuck"

You sound too over-invested in them for your own good. If DH isn't worry about them why pursue a relationship with them? If you happen to meet FIL or BIL just give a cheer "Hi!" and move on. If he calls after you then "Sorry just got to buy my duty free, see you later" or "Sorry, car parking ticket is running out, must dash" or whatever. Then distance yourself and avoid them.

My PIL and SIL were vile too and when I had my DD born with cerebral palsy FIL said 'never anything like that in OUR side of the family I would bite my tongue and when they moved from a house to a flat with no lift I'd carry my DD up the stairs and still visit. They treated their other GC much more favourably than mine ( 4 really badly behaved GD) one visit my kids were sat there on the sofa while FIL was chasing the others around with a camera snapping pics... he came into the lounge and snapped a pic of my DCs saying gotta take the last pic to use the film up 🤬🤬 I refused to visit after that they always pled poverty even though when he died there was £20,000 hidden in their flat. They would go out for a day in the buses and just turn up at mine without warning. When MIL developed dementia my SIL would turn her phone off so MIL would ring me 100 times a day... when my SIL fell out with my DH she said spitefully in front of my DCs 'I suppose the next time I see him it'll be in the morgue and I won't bloody cry for him😵🤭🤬 when my DH died suddenly aged 56 I didn't even tell SIL he had died she was toxic and DH had specifically asked that she not come to the funeral. I was never anything but nice and respectful to my DHs family unfortunately they mistook my kindness for weakness but they didn't break me. Now none of the living family are in our lives and we're richer for it!