Dads who are denied access to their children!

[Shootingstar1115]

Hi all, a bit of a long one. I am very confused right now.

I am 27 and never had a relationship with my father. My mum always told me he didn’t want to see me, never paid for me etc. But never went into great detail. She never really spoke about him. So I always left wondering. I know a bit more about him now though.

I always grew up believing he didn’t want me despite that I now know he’s a fab father to his younger children.

As an over thinking mother of 2 myself I’m starting to have doubts.

Of course, I believe that if a father really wants to see his children he will fight for it but I can imagine my mother made it very difficult for him.

She was young, he cheated, got someone else pregnant, didn’t stay with that woman either (but has a relationship with the child as far as I know). My mum was young and hurt, I totally get that.

A few things my grandmother has said in recent times (she has told me quite a bit about him over the years tbh) has made me think that my mother made it really really difficult for him. Basically used me as a weapon. ‘Get back with me or don’t see your child’ type thing. Apparently he seen me a few times as a tiny baby but when he got a new girlfriend (now wife) this stopped and not seen me since.

Thinking about my mum over the years has made me realise

1. She stopped my brother seeing his dad
2. When she falls out with a relative (eg my grandmother) she stopped her seeing us for a while until they made up.
3. When shes briefly split up with my stepdad she stopped him from seeing his 3 children until they got back together.
4. When I split with my ex, DS’s dad she told me to stop all contact straight away and not let him into his life. Fortunately I didn’t take her advice and DS sees his dad.
5. She doesn’t let her mother in law see her grandchildren because they fell out themselves.

It’s like she cannot grow up and get over her own hurt and uses her children as a weapon.

From what I’ve heard she point blank refused to let him see me if he didn’t want to get back with her. When they split she uses her brothers, my uncles to back him away. One of them is a bit of a thug. I would be scared of getting on the wrong side of him.

Apparently his family really wanted to see me but none of them were allowed (grandparents, aunts, uncles etc). Now his parents have probably gone to their graves and never known me and I feel I have this gap in my life. Particularly now I’m not so close to mother (she’s a difficult person in so many ways).

I seen her the other day and she said she often thinks about contacting him herself and asking for 27 years of maintenance payments! I mean really?? Who would do that? Yes he should have paid but a long time has gone by and it’s like she’s still bitter or something. She’s happily married (been married 20 odd years) surely she’s over it by now!

I just feel like she cannot get over herself to see what’s best for both me and her children in general.

Despite this, I didn’t have a terrible up bringing. It’s just cracks have started to show in recent years between me and her. I’ve realised what she’s like and how immature she can be at times!

I just have this thought that maybe they give up because she made it so difficult!

The guy has other children (2 older than me, another my sort of age from when he cheated, and 4 he lives with I think) and he has a relationship with all of them so why not me??

Sorry didn’t realise how long this was!

It's one of those where both sound like they have a role to play.

As an adult you can either decide to worry about who did what in the past or look forward and pursue a relationship if you want to.

The only way to find out is to ask.

But remember that the truth usually resides somewhere between each sides' version.

Ultimately though, if your mum was a good mum then she deserves some credit on that front. We're all human. We make mistakes. Don't let this cloud your relationship if it's a good one.

Funnily enough I was thinking about similar this morning. Acquaintance, prevented from seeing his child, mother did a moonlight flit, no forwarding address, Salvation Army unable to trakc her down, So, ok this was a few years back, way before everything was google finger tip away. But in no way his fault.

It's quite a big mistake to deny your child a relationship with their dad!

OP - it does happen. I think it's really sad when it does. Your dad should have 'fought' to see you, but some people always take the easiest way: so although they love and want to see their child, if access is denied, they will stop trying. If your mum had been open to you and he having a relationship, he probably would have, but his weakness may have been that lack of effort when obstacles were put in his way.
I don't have any advice but I can empathise, knowing people who it has happened to.

Of course there are two sides to every story.

From what you’ve said it does sound likely that she made it very difficult for him to see you.

Are you thinking of getting in touch with your father?

I'm so sorry that your mother put her wants before the needs of EVERYONE else. I would find that hard to forgive. It sounds like she is still like this and has developed no wisdom whatsoever. A mother who denies her dc their father is not a good parent whatever else they do/did.

she often thinks about contacting him herself and asking for 27 years of maintenance payments! I mean really?? Who would do that? Yes he should have paid but a long time has gone by and it’s like she’s still bitter or something

If she brought you up without any financial help from your father then frankly, she really does have reason to be pissed off. I am 10 years with no maintenance and cannot begin to explain the impact of that - the long term one is just me being able to save for my old age given every penny goes on bloody childcare. It is very hard not to be bitter about money - thousands have passed my children by and it’s not just about their needs, but my ability to do right by myself long term too.

And I’m sorry OP, whilst it does sound like your mum played her part, your dad has hardly covered himself in glory, has he? Didn’t bother trying the court route to see you? Didn’t pay a penny?

Thank you. My relationship with my mum is strained at the minute but not due to this. I don’t dare bring my dad up that often (only talk about it if she mentions it first).

My grandmother has been telling me a lot. My mum would proably get ballistic if she found out what’s been said so I keep quiet about it. I’m not sure why my grandmother would make any of it up against her daughter (they are close).

I definitely feel like he should of fought for me.

I do one to meet him buy

Even if I met him I just don’t feel like I could pursue a relationship with him. Too much time has been missed!

My partner doesn’t have a dad either but his mother did encourage the relationship but his dad wasn’t interested so a slightly different scenario 😭

My Ds' ex does that. Any time he does something she doesn't like, she stops contact. She doesn't always tell him she's stopping contact, she just refuses to open the door when he arrives to collect. And if he rings the doorbell too hard, or knocks too long, or calls to their dc through the letter box, she threatens to call the police for harrassment. He almost spent the weekend in jail once, so he doesn't keep trying any more. If the door doesn't open, he just leaves.

He's still trying, and it'll end up in court eventually. But I can see why someone else might give up.

She says that he never paid maintenance, he didn’t but I’m not sure she even tried for it. Back then things were different I believe. To claim income support as a single parent she had to convince them she didn’t know who the dad and I was conceived through a one night stand, to claim income support so they don’t chase the father up? That’s what she told me once but Does that sound correct??

Many many women deny their father access to children as they treat them as their possessions and use them as weapons. Any read of "separated dads" forum tells of many stories. I think its very sad when this happens. You history and hour mothers actions seem like this. Money and children are kept separate by the court. Its a shame many mothers dont follow this
I hope this works out for you

My partner's ex is similar. Although he sees his DD, contact has to be exactly on her terms or it doesn't happen. Mention me, no contact for 3 months etc (no I wasn't the other woman).
It had to be at her house in her county. His DD wasn't allowed to stay with him / us, for no value reason. His relationship with his DD is not strong because at all.

Why should she have to ‘try for’ maintenance? He knew he had a child, why not simply make an arrangement with your mum?

Yes, it did used to be the case that if you claimed any kind of benefit, you had to hand over details of the father. Thankfully, we have moved on from that.

My DH ex hasn't allowed access to his son. We tried everything to see him. She just didn't allow the visits and after 3 court appearances and mediation we were broke. She told us she has enough money to put my DH through court for the rest of his life and she was wasn't exaggerating. There just isn't enough support for denied parents and very little recourse for the parent withholding a child. We are expecting a very angry young man to appear at our door one day and will have an awful task of unraveling all the wrong his mother caused. Such a shame. Sometimes OP fighting for access is the hardest battle and sometimes for the good of all concerned you have to walk away. Not every absent parent is a dead beat. Some are heartbroken shells of their former selves with a tiny glimmer of hope their child will come knocking.

You need to ask your Mum.

It sounds like there was wrong on both sides though. As your Dad has various children with different women, that says a lot about who he is- maybe your Mum was trying to protect you, or genuinely thought she was?

I agree, whatever happens between me and DH I would never keep DD from her Dad.

Have you ever thought about counselling? I think when you have your own children it brings a lot of feeling to the surface, and it’s really hard to deal with.

A family member of mine split up from his wife and fought to see his child. He went to court a number of times and she was ordered to allow visitation. In the end he gave up because every time he went to collect his child, they would be ‘ill’ and she would refuse to hand over the child. This went on for years.

Eventually at about age 16 the child’s grandparent told them how to get in contact with their dad. The family member was so happy that his child had got in contact with him years later.

I wouldn’t rule out contacting your dad.

I think counselling might help here, and it might be worth contacting your dad.

I do n’t think it’s fair to say he should have fought through the courts, court orders are n’t enforced by the courts. They re not worth the paper they are written on

Today 15:02 Shootingstar1115

She says that he never paid maintenance, he didn’t but I’m not sure she even tried for it. Back then things were different I believe. To claim income support as a single parent she had to convince them she didn’t know who the dad and I was conceived through a one night stand, to claim income support so they don’t chase the father up? That’s what she told me once but Does that sound correct??

Sort of. Back in the day, it was assumed that absent parents would pay whatever had been decided, and that sum was deducted penny for penny from your Income Support... whether you got it or not. So, no daddy, no deductions. Sound financial reasoning.

What kind of a shit man has 8 children with 4 women, definitely cheating on at least one of the mums and not attempting to contact one child at least for their whole lifetime.

Your mum may well be a piece of work but your dad doesn’t sound like someone who should be given a break either.

Well, they're human and they made mistakes. The question is now what you need. Do you need information? Counselling for your feelings? Do you want answers? From who? Do you want to contact your dad?

My DH's ex made contact very difficult. It was extremely controlled. Contact between my DH and his daughter was 'pointless' according to her. There were times when my DH was ready to give up and rely on his daughter making contact one day. I'm not sure how serious he was at the time, I just know he was so worn down - I guess it seemed like the best option all round. Fortunately we pushed, and pushed, and pushed. Got a solicitor involved and eventually things started to settle.

I think a lot of men struggle now with the battle; support for Fathers is only now becoming evident. It must have seemed the best option for many men back in the day.

From 1993 if you claimed income support they automatically took a claim for chikd maintenance unless you denied you knew who the father was or you would be in danger if the claim went ahead ie. Domestic violence. The government also took the amount of maintenance you received off you income support payment so you often ended up in a worse position not knowing how much money you were going to have to put food on the table. So people often lied and said they didn't know who the parent was etc as it put them in a better financial position of stability and if the other parent bunged them a fiver for the kid every so often they felt it was a win win. Another poster is right in that now we have Google in our pockets we are able to find out how to do things the proper way. Back then it's unlikely your dad would have gone to court as he wouldn't know what to do. Your mum was hurt at the time and you are judging her by 2019 standards so maybe cut her a little slack. 27 years is actually quite a long time in social history. I still remember a time when you didn't have bins at train ststions...

DSIL's mother used access as a weapon, until she remarried and HE told HER she'd better grow up and do the right thing. So now we can all sit round a dinner table and not be stabbing each other. Makes DGS's babysitting pool that much larger too.

Thank you all. It is has something that has confused me for a long time. I do want to meet him but cannot see myself being close to someone who has missed so much!

I just feel like she felt about their relationship rather than me actually having a dad but I do understand she was hurt and he clearly has issues.

Sounds bad but I feel envious of other people and their relationships with their fathers, how close they are etc. I have my grandad who I always close to but I just feel like I’m lacking something.

My OH has an amazing bond with DD (and DS his stepson). It makes me so emotional that I’ve never had that. Of course I was lucky to have my mum but we haven’t been so close in recent years! She likes things her way or no way and is very controlling and I moved out at a young age!

I think I do need some form of professional help. Not just about my bio father but about other things from my childhood which I won’t go into detail here!