Dads who are denied access to their children!

[Shootingstar1115]

Hi all, a bit of a long one. I am very confused right now.

I am 27 and never had a relationship with my father. My mum always told me he didn’t want to see me, never paid for me etc. But never went into great detail. She never really spoke about him. So I always left wondering. I know a bit more about him now though.

I always grew up believing he didn’t want me despite that I now know he’s a fab father to his younger children.

As an over thinking mother of 2 myself I’m starting to have doubts.

Of course, I believe that if a father really wants to see his children he will fight for it but I can imagine my mother made it very difficult for him.

She was young, he cheated, got someone else pregnant, didn’t stay with that woman either (but has a relationship with the child as far as I know). My mum was young and hurt, I totally get that.

A few things my grandmother has said in recent times (she has told me quite a bit about him over the years tbh) has made me think that my mother made it really really difficult for him. Basically used me as a weapon. ‘Get back with me or don’t see your child’ type thing. Apparently he seen me a few times as a tiny baby but when he got a new girlfriend (now wife) this stopped and not seen me since.

Thinking about my mum over the years has made me realise

1. She stopped my brother seeing his dad
2. When she falls out with a relative (eg my grandmother) she stopped her seeing us for a while until they made up.
3. When shes briefly split up with my stepdad she stopped him from seeing his 3 children until they got back together.
4. When I split with my ex, DS’s dad she told me to stop all contact straight away and not let him into his life. Fortunately I didn’t take her advice and DS sees his dad.
5. She doesn’t let her mother in law see her grandchildren because they fell out themselves.

It’s like she cannot grow up and get over her own hurt and uses her children as a weapon.

From what I’ve heard she point blank refused to let him see me if he didn’t want to get back with her. When they split she uses her brothers, my uncles to back him away. One of them is a bit of a thug. I would be scared of getting on the wrong side of him.

Apparently his family really wanted to see me but none of them were allowed (grandparents, aunts, uncles etc). Now his parents have probably gone to their graves and never known me and I feel I have this gap in my life. Particularly now I’m not so close to mother (she’s a difficult person in so many ways).

I seen her the other day and she said she often thinks about contacting him herself and asking for 27 years of maintenance payments! I mean really?? Who would do that? Yes he should have paid but a long time has gone by and it’s like she’s still bitter or something. She’s happily married (been married 20 odd years) surely she’s over it by now!

I just feel like she cannot get over herself to see what’s best for both me and her children in general.

Despite this, I didn’t have a terrible up bringing. It’s just cracks have started to show in recent years between me and her. I’ve realised what she’s like and how immature she can be at times!

I just have this thought that maybe they give up because she made it so difficult!

The guy has other children (2 older than me, another my sort of age from when he cheated, and 4 he lives with I think) and he has a relationship with all of them so why not me??

asking for 27 years of maintenance payments!

I think you’re minimising this. If he had wanted to see you enough, he would have done. If he had cared, he would have paid. Don’t dismiss years of supporting a DC without help; especially if you were the beneficiary.

It sounds like both your parents have let you down and behaved selfishly for different reasons. I’m very sorry about that. It was the shit cards you were dealt.
Now you have a dh and kids. A hopefully happy family.
I would 100% go and get some therapy. I think it will really help you.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately matters like this are rarely black and white.

Unfortunately it would seem that some women do use their kids as a weapon in a breakup. I currently have a Male friend going through a divorce and so far his stbxw has really gone above and beyond to cause him no end of hurt over their kids.

The latest is that she sent him a text telling him his children hate him and no longer want contact. He called his 14 year old to arrange contact and they seemed to have no idea about it.

Yesterday she also sent him a photo of a Father's Day card her kids apparently got her. For being their father figure. He got nothing from his kids. I cant help feeling this was facilitated by her.

I think counseling is a very good idea.

If you want to meet him, could you look at him more as a 'potential friend' rather than a 'father'? Not try to establish a 'father/daughter' bond, but just as someone you'd like to get to know as a friend.

OP my heart goes out to you

This is almost exactly what happened in my family.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to chat more x

I would cut them both some slack in this situation.

Your Dad could have fought in court to see you, he could have turned up at your Mum’s door every week asking to see you and you have been an adult for ten years, why hasn’t he been in touch at all? Assuming you are on social media...

It does sound like she prevented access but he has had options and hasn’t taken them. He also obviously treat your Mum appallingly at the time, it’s no wonder she was hurt.

I would let sleeping dogs lie here. Contact your Dad if you think it’s the right thing to do but I wouldn’t waste time blaming your Mum.

I'm going through the opposite at the mo. My DD's dad just isn't interested. He lives 3 hours away from us and only wants to visit 1 day a month because of travel costs etc.. which I agreed to only its not a full day, he only wants them from lunchtime until early evening. We agreed the last weekend of every month- he's managed to see them twice in the last 12months despite me keeping every agreed date free for him.

It definitely happens. In my own family there is one person, X, who has denied access to her DD's father for many years, despite him being desperate for contact. X has no conscience about lying to the courts in order to achieve this.

X also has form for doing exactly the same with other family members whenever she falls out with them. (I think it's very telling that you mention your mother doing this, too.) Basically her DD is a pawn and anybody who doesn't do what X wants will not be allowed to see her DD. Family members have an extremely low opinion of X, but continue to put up with her and give her frequent financial handouts, because otherwise her DD will be growing up without any family in her life apart from the psycho X, and that's not a fate you'd wish on any child.

My heart bleeds for her dad, though, who hasn't seen her for 10 years. The DD is 15 now and has had her mind thoroughly poisoned against him by X. The father is still trying but I don't think it will ever happen.

I'm no fan of deadbeat dads, my ex being a prime example who pays nothing and gives no fucks about his child, but it certainly does happen that no matter what is tried a mother can stop a father seeing their children.

A friend of mine had 3 kids and when his wife had an affair she moved away with the kids to a fairly remote Scottish island. Friend went to court, prohibited steps refused as they were 'settled' and her sister lived there.
He had visitation awarded by court, so he'd pay to fly there and she either a) wasn't in, b) said the kids were ill, c) cry and shout that she would miss them and she didn't want them to go, so the children got upset and didn't want to go and then she'd refuse to let them go because they were upset.
Each time it took at least 6 months to go back to court, and all visitation was denied in that time. Each time the judge would order contact and the same would happen. The judge ordered phone contact too - her phone would be dead, or she wouldn't be in, or the kids would be napping, or out at friends. When the judge tried to admonish her she would get hysterical and cry and weep in court and he'd back down.
After more than 5 years of this and many tens of thousands of pounds he had to give up. He'd not seen his children for 4 years by then, he was heavily in debt, he'd lost his job from the time off to travel there for the failed visitations and for the court cases. I really don't know what else he could have done. The judge was not prepared to award him residence as he hadn't seen the children for years... and she couldn't be forced to let him see them. They weren't going to send her to jail when she had young children.
He is just hoping they contact him when they are older and haven't been completely poisoned against him.
She has always been more than willing to accept his maintenance payments though. Which he has always paid.

And this was relatively recently. 30 years ago I doubt a father would have got very far had he gone to court.

Many men are indeed shit fathers but some mothers are just arseholes when it comes to using their children to get back at an ex.

@HirplesWithHaggis my dh ex did that too

What is wrong with these "mothers" 😞

@deadbeatdead that's heartbreaking 💔

Similar happened with a friend at uni (this was late 80’s) his parents divorced in the 70’s , mum told him and his sister their father didn’t want to know , wasn't paying etc
His father contacted him at uni, and ultimately showed him all the solicitors letters, court orders etc to prove his mother had basically been lying

My friend basically saw his dad and cut off his mum the whole him he was at uni.

@Otterhound I am glad it worked out well for your friend

Why do some parents do this I couldn't alienate any of my dc from their dads it's so cruel 😓

I also have the opposite. My ex didn’t see our 4 children for 2 years to “punish me” he has now said he isn’t sure whether he wants to see them again and will have to think about it. I do have sympathy for dads who are stopped but I don’t know any irl. Know plenty who have just walked away through choice though.

He shouldn’t have had to have fought to see his child.....the fact he had or needed to shows the fault lies with the mother. Women don’t have to fight to be mothers the law gives them that straight away it should be exactly the same for fathers, but I guess equality only works when women have some to gain

I don't blame him, sounds like it come to a point when had to look after number 1.

No doubt if you contact him he would be open to building a relationship.

ZOMBIE

Go buy some Nutella once husband can hold a job down, might give you the sugar rush to think of something with more intellect behind it.