Tormented by libido age 35

[wildone84]

Hi everyone,

I am a single woman in my mid 30s, who has always had a healthy interest in sex/men. But around 5 years ago I started to find that my libido had become a hindrance to rival any man's. Especially around ovulation/period.

I find myself sending emails off to an ex who is a complete and utter wanker hoping he wants sex (I know he's still single.) This makes me feel like I am not respecting myself. The men I meet who seem interested in a relationship, I am sizing them up for sex and if I'm not attracted I don't bother. I have even done those horrible, sordid apps where you can watch a stranger wank off and vice versa. I stopped when I got talking with one chap and he had a wife, and I thought I might be talking to cheats and sex addicts.

Obviously this is not all the time and its not like sex addiction (ie. several times daily or it's only at certain times of the month) but I find my libido to be such a pain in the neck at certain times. I wish it would go away.

When I'm in a relationship I want sex every day..I've had a couple of men able to keep up with me, most couldn't. I am a full time traveller (/digital nomad) so hardly meet any men who I get to see continuously and the worst thing is, I get attached to people through sex so if I hook up with someone and they don't call it hurts. So I don't even like hook ups at all.

Did anyone else feel this way in their 30s? In my 20s it was not like this.

I probably need to settle down soon and meet a man with a similar sex drive.

I feel quite vulnerable talking about this so please don't be mean.

Without knowing more than what you've said have you ever looked into sex and love addiction? If you're doing things that make you feel bad/worthless I would gently suggest that there might be a problem beyond mere libido. Not to say that there is but it might be worth googling SLAA and seeing if any of that resonates with you. Using sex or obsessive feelings around relationships to change the way you feel can be an unhealthy addiction similar to other addictions.

For many women their libido peaks in their 30's, so you're not unusual and it's certainly not anything to feel ashamed of. Try to stay away from connecting with your ex, that's not a long term solution.

When you say you're a full time traveler do you mean that you work away from home most of the time? That will make seeing someone challenging. I do think that a steady relationship with a like minded man is your best option. Lots of men would be thrilled to have sex everyday.

You don't have to be having sex three times a day to be a sex addict. The fact you feel hurt by hook ups and unable to stop yourself in situations that hurt you is a strong sign you aren't engaging in healthy behaviour. I'm sorry. But try and google SLAA and talk to someone there who can help you.

I had a uterine ablation November 1st under general anesthesia-bleed like crazy last year on monthly periods complicated with a blood thinner and had low hemoglobin-the bleeding was awful. Best decision for me was the procedure no issues since

Monkeytimesthree

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I looked up SLAA and the symptoms. A few resonate, some don't. I agree contacting the ex is not healthy behaviour at all and makes me feel awful.

I mostly do control myself sexually because I don't want to be facilitating anyone's cheating or hurt by hook ups, but it makes me miserable controlling myself. And then I have the odd lapse like contacting my ex. Mine also happens during ovulation and period, not so much at other times.

@MissConductUS - yes, I work online and travel all the time. I spend up to 3 months in one place. I look after peoples' homes when they're on holiday and I have an online business that can be done from anywhere.

I add myself to dating apps when I travel but I mostly have men looking for a hook up on there (I actually put it on my profile no hook ups trying to avoid it). Hoping to meet someone on my travels because I save so much money travelling and saving for a down payment on a house. I'd like to continue.

I guess I'm just having a vent really. It sounds a bit pathetic "controlling myself sexually makes me so miserable" ha ha sounds like I'm a guy.

I just wondered if there is anyone else out there who has the same.

I think the language you use around control and relapse and emotional distress suggests you might benefit from help here. It's a tricky thing as obviously sex is an important part of human experience but it shouldn't make you feel like this and that you have to 'control' yourself. If you're using sex as a way of making yourself feel better then it can be an addiction. Same as alcohol, drugs etc etc. Why are you travelling permanently out of interest? Continually doing 'geographicals' can also be described as addictive behaviour...

@monkeytimesthree ,

For financial reasons. Finding myself a tax nomad (left the UK as a tax resident about 10 years ago), I decided to set my business up in a low tax region temporarily. I didn't make enough to save previously but with lower tax I used that to pay off credit card, student loan and get some savings, and now saving for a house. I also am looking for a place to live. I don't think I want to live in the UK permanently and I am checking out other places to see where I would want to buy eventually. Going to Southern Europe this winter. Looking after peoples' homes allows me to try on different places for size until I'm ready to buy.

Reading Sarah pascoes autobiography of a woman really helped me to understand and come to terms with my sex drive as non problematic and healthy. I have cried my heart out for the want of decent , non seedy sex. Don't think it was an addiction and now I have a bf it has waned but I still have a high sex drive. Well done on saving and making sacrifices to buy a home. I think you're doing great. Have a Google of self compassion and radical self acceptance too. All the best

I suppose I have come across men describing sex in similar terms (about controlling themselves etc.) I always assumed I just had a libido more like your average horny man's.

You've got lots of needs your current lifestyle may be preventing you from getting met... The chimp paradox is amazing and talks about needs for territory, stability, friends, connectedness which when unmet can send other aspects awry, I'd recommend it.

I think that's the socialization of the patriarchy tbh. That men do the doing, women are passive. No way. Women are actively highly sexual. Especiall when your body is really telling you that biologically, you are ready for children

I found some men discussing it in a forum last week and I could totally relate. I wondered if it was hormones seeing as mine peaks at certain times of the month. It doesn't seem like an addiction to me as it doesn't take over my life, but the way the men in that forum were talking about their libido as a hindrance really resonated.

Of course, we could all be sex addicts. I have a low tolerance for sordid stuff to be honest in spite of my sex drive. I felt a bit yuck after using those apps. I don't look at porn because I think it's exploitative and I'm not turned on by watching strangers in sexual situations.

Yes biologically I'm ready for children and the fact this happens at ovulation makes me feel like my body is screaming at me to conceive this month.

However, I don't want children.

@Swellerellamoo yes my current lifestyle is not meeting all my needs, but it sure does meet the financial ones. I suppose I self sacrifice as a result. I have made big changes financially due to sacrificing of my needs, changes that I feel it would have taken years to make otherwise.

I don't think there are norms. Only you can self-diagnose decide whether your behaviour is making you feel better or worse. I'd imagine living a nomadic lifestyle isn't helping. Finding some community and stability might help you. I'm guessing if you are constantly meeting new people and don't have time or ability to make deeper acquaintances it's going to lead to shallow one offs which in turn make you feel worse and feed the addiction cycle.

Yes, same thing happened

Oops, same thing happened to me in my 30s. Got much hornier than ever before.

I have a very high sex drive, in my last relationship we had sex at least once every day, sometimes over weekends 7,8 9 times.
He was mostly up for it but felt objectified and it was an issue between us.
I dont meet up with people for sex cos I know it's not for me but I constantly think about it. Also I would only date people I'm strongly attracted to. I feel the loss of my sex life more than the man tbh..he was ace. I'm 48 btw...

@Spaceprincess - has your libido waned into your 40s or is it as strong as before?

@wildone84, I think it's got worse. Ex was 34 and used to say I was a slave to my lady bits.

OK I was hoping you'd say the opposite!

Thanks everyone for your input.

It's good to hear I'm not the only one :)

A lot of women are like this OP, most are, infact when they somehow by a fluke of nature end up with the perfect match. They are the couples that non stop shag for decades.

Fabswingers.com is a great relief I've heard ahem if you find the right male after a few weeks of searching.