Tormented by libido age 35

[wildone84]

Hi everyone,

I am a single woman in my mid 30s, who has always had a healthy interest in sex/men. But around 5 years ago I started to find that my libido had become a hindrance to rival any man's. Especially around ovulation/period.

I find myself sending emails off to an ex who is a complete and utter wanker hoping he wants sex (I know he's still single.) This makes me feel like I am not respecting myself. The men I meet who seem interested in a relationship, I am sizing them up for sex and if I'm not attracted I don't bother. I have even done those horrible, sordid apps where you can watch a stranger wank off and vice versa. I stopped when I got talking with one chap and he had a wife, and I thought I might be talking to cheats and sex addicts.

Obviously this is not all the time and its not like sex addiction (ie. several times daily or it's only at certain times of the month) but I find my libido to be such a pain in the neck at certain times. I wish it would go away.

When I'm in a relationship I want sex every day..I've had a couple of men able to keep up with me, most couldn't. I am a full time traveller (/digital nomad) so hardly meet any men who I get to see continuously and the worst thing is, I get attached to people through sex so if I hook up with someone and they don't call it hurts. So I don't even like hook ups at all.

Did anyone else feel this way in their 30s? In my 20s it was not like this.

I probably need to settle down soon and meet a man with a similar sex drive.

I feel quite vulnerable talking about this so please don't be mean.

Did anyone else feel this way in their 30s

Yes, mine sky rocketed in mid to late 30s.

Think it's wily old nature trying to get you knocked up before fertility declines.

Used a lot of porn and erotic literature.

For financial reasons. Finding myself a tax nomad (left the UK as a tax resident about 10 years ago), I decided to set my business up in a low tax region temporarily. I didn't make enough to save previously but with lower tax I used that to pay off credit card, student loan and get some savings, and now saving for a house. I also am looking for a place to live. I don't think I want to live in the UK permanently and I am checking out other places to see where I would want to buy eventually. Going to Southern Europe this winter. Looking after peoples' homes allows me to try on different places for size until I'm ready to buy.

Thats not really a reason to be a tax exile. It sounds more like tax/debt avoidance. Unless you are earning over £150,000 then its not really any kind of irrational justification to avoid having no single tax base, and your risk of double taxation/the bother of sorting out your tax affairs must be more hassle than actually paying it, so I'd hazard a guess you are avoiding. Anyway, thats your business, but perhaps thats just your personality type in relationships as well? It might be that the thrill of the chase is what its all about for you, you need someone new to keep you interested.

Can I ask you if you have ever been in a relationship with someone that ticks all your boxes? I mean, for me, I'm very focussed on looks, and I would quickly grow tired of a man who was not very handsome. I'm sorry if that comes across as shallow, because its just what I'm attracted to, but perhaps you just aren't meeting someone who ticks all your boxes, hence you keep searching.

Presumably you weren't like this in your twenties because you were in uni (you mention a student loan) and had plenty of opportunity, so perhaps you feel tied down and you should go back to that lifestyle by studying again?

@Broombroomshaketheroom

Thanks. I'd love to be a swinger but I think I would feel really shit afterwards sleeping with people who don't care about me. I reckon I need to be in a relationship with someone who is well matched in terms of libido.

It's not really a sex thing though is it? It's a need for connection thing.
This is what I suspect is going on, I could be very very wrong. But here's my armchair therapist attempt.
Your childhood is a big influence. You were probably the youngest child or second youngest. Something made you cling to your mother and you may never have really separated from her.
The fact that you move around constantly means that you don't really regard yourself as a capable adult, nor do you value yourself that much. Or let's say your value of yourself may swivel from grandiose to very low.
You have difficulty making emotional connections, so you rely on sexual relations to make you feel 'normal' and connected to people. Moving constantly gives you control without having to have too much financial responsibility for a household. Similarly with men, you can 'get' them by sex, but you won't go any further with them.
For you, emotional connections with people don't feel safe. At some point in your life, maybe in adolescence you may have lost someone very close to you. This or some other incident has provided an obstacle to emotional development, so you lack a feeling of inner security and won't take emotional risks in case you get hurt emotionally. Any of that ring a bell?

Hi @IncandescentShadow

No tax avoidance going on here. I've consulted with three different expat tax experts to ensure my position is watertight, two in the UK and one in another country where I previously had ties. I have a tax base it is just not the UK, it's in Asia. I don't meet the UK automatic residence or sufficient ties tests and I do not spend more than 183 days per year in the UK or anywhere else. I don't own a home anywhere, which helps for this kind of set up.

I've been in relationships with people who tick my boxes sexually.. ha ha. One I wanted to be with long term but he moved overseas and I guess he didn't want to be with me. Another guy who seemed amazing but slapped me round the face one day so I left him. And then my most recent ex who is a bit of twat (very selfish and couldn't care less about anyone else.)

I'm happy working in my business, I wouldn't want to go back to being a student.

@Seaweed42

I'm the second oldest. Abusive mother, alcoholic father. I am estranged from both sadly and have been for 6 years now as I couldn't put up with the ongoing abuse any longer.

It's not really ringing true that I do not value myself but perhaps I lack insight, I'm not sure. I'd say that is incorrect.

I definitely regard myself as a capable adult. I run two businesses and manage a hectic travel schedule. I don't think I could be a capable adult in terms of being a parent but don't want to be one so that's all good.

I was in therapy for a few years so I don't feel I have unfinished business tbh.

I will at some point find a home and hopefully a partner. Just not this instant.

I'm 43 and my libido is stronger than its ever been. It's causing a bit of an issue in my current relationship as his is lower and I don't want him to feel pressured, but equally I am not satisfied. I don't have anything helpful for you OP to be honest but interested in the replies.

Thanks for posting

Sounds like you had a tough childhood, so great that you have carved out the life you have for yourself.
Having analysed you at the drop of a hat, I better confess I was a serial one-night stander myself in my day, so I shouldn't really be doling it out to anyone else really .

I think it's normal for sex drive to peak during late 30s, mine is higher than it used to be now I'm mid-late 30s.

@Seaweed42 - thanks

Ha ha. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I would be doing it a lot if it didn't leave me feeling shit afterwards

Sorry @seaweed42 - please ignore my response.... Got confused with another thread !

@Seaweed42 - Were you able to do it without getting attached? How great would it be to hook up with no emotional attachments right now but simply doesn't work. I could do it in my 20s but as I got a bit older it became more difficult. I have a gay friend who, it seems every other weekend, sleeps with a new person using the apps and whatnot. I am a little bit jealous but also quite glad I am not putting myself at risk of STDs.

@BlackberryandNettle - I suppose the timing (late 30s etc) might be mother nature's way of trying to get us pregnant before it's too late !

I like sex once a day or more and always have. I have also had online hookups or friends with benefits relationships in the past and have also struggled to find men who can keep up with me. There is no real norm with sexuality, just society presents it as men always wanting it, which also isn't true.

Probably not that helpful, but you aren't alone

It makes me feel less weird/unusual to hear from others, thanks!

Same here wildone84! Libido started going nuts as I approached mid thirties and still going strong at 40.

The men I meet who seem interested in a relationship, I am sizing them up for sex and if I'm not attracted I don't bother

But don't we all do that - that's just fancying someone?

I've just re-read the OP and actually it all sounds very normal to me.

New relationship = want it every day.

Hook ups = find yourself feeling attracted & feel sad if it only ends up being a one off / he doesn't call.

I'd say your libido sounds similar to mine and my friends' tbh (late 30s). We enjoy sex, we want it, we think about it, we ideally want to do it with someone who loves us, but sometimes a quick hookup happens.

Don't worry about it - focus on finding a partner if you want one or maybe nurturing female friendships where you can discuss this stuff irl & have a laugh about it. You're so not alone

I think you are normal

Remember that without a strong sex drive the human race wouldn't be here. We are just monkeys wearing clothes driven constantly by an urge to reproduce.

I recommend you pay attention to your emotional as well as financial needs and settle down so you can find someone hot to shag daily !

@waterrat "settle down so you can find someone hot to shag daily !"

That would be nice :-)

Thanks everyone for your posts !!

Same here OP

Single and crazy horny! Don't really want to sleep around but at the moment can't find anyone to be in a relationship with and going solo, toys etc just doesn't quite do it for me. I need the mutual pleasure/emotion/intimacy that comes with actual sex with someone I like as a person.

I've always had a very high sex drive but lately it's just constant. Very frustrating!

@Sharkirasharkira I'm single too atm, is driving me crackers. Ex is being a nob but is handsome, well endowed and good in bed, its taking all my willpower not to go the 4 miles to his house at the moment and jump on him...its rubbish.

I misread your post and thought you said you were a time traveller!

I’m mid-30s and I definitely want to do it more than ever, especially from the last day of period right up to ovulation. It wanes for a few weeks and then peaks again just before my period starts. I feel crazy sometimes and begin to think “any man will do” - I’m in a relationship but he definitely doesn’t satisfy me during those peak times; my drive is much higher than his when my hormones kick in.