Hello. I'm sorry, I do not how to write shorter, so it is a long post.
I've been living with my boyfriend for one year. Been together altogether 2 years. We do not have separate nor joint children.Early 30s.
My question is: AIBU to want some alone time at home, without him being there at all? Am I a total bitch for even asking for such thing?
I feel awful that I want and need something like that; but without I cannot cope well. I want to talk to my boyfriend about it again, but I do not know whether there is any point doing so. He will probably promise again things, which will not happen. Or if I want to break up, he won't accept it.
Long story:
My issue is that I like to spend time alone at home. I've been single for years previously, never lived with someone, I was a rather lonely child also, so this also affects my need, I guess. I need alone time at home to recharge. At home. Not sitting on a coffee-shop where there are other people around me, not walking on streets or shopping or whatever. At home, just lying on couch or cleaning or dancing, or singing, or doing whatever, or just enjoying the quiet; thinking, reflecting situations. Just being alone without the need to be alert. I also like to practice my hobby (dancing) at home, to improvise etc. I cannot do it when there is another human being in the same room, I just cannot do it, I cannot feel relaxed and enjoy it.
Now, the thing is, me and my boyfriend live in my studio apartment. We decided to move in together and "try it out" in the least expensive etc way. We have discussed looking for something bigger, but he has postponed the idea and I'm thinking about postponing now, too, because it is alright and cheap, if only I could get some alone time at home. I guess, if we had a bigger apartment (one bed max considering our finances), I would still sometimes need to have the place empty to fully relax.
Currently, I get zero alone time. We both work M-F 9-5. I have a group hobby I take part in twice a week plus sometimes on weekends (dancing). I talk to my friends and family over the phone (like 1-2 times per week); I sometimes meet my friends-family. So he gets his alone time at home, he says he does not need it so much but admits that it is actually a good thing. He has no hobbies, he basically does not communicate with his friends and only rarely talks to his family, he does not go out alone (concerts, bicycling, movies whatever).
And I am going nuts. I am so tired all the time, I get headaches, I do not want to be close to him and intimate because I feel like he is always there, it is like too much of him constantly.
I have discussed it with him previously. When we were dating, I mentioned I need to have alone time. When we were discussing moving in together, I told him that I will need it and he seemed OK with it, telling that of course, he can go out and do things if I need to be alone. Well.. he never did. It was autumn and then winter, rainy and cold, his bicycle was broken so he could not ride it. He was not willing to look into any hobbies. He does not like to go out alone. Then his mother's birthday came and I told him that I want to stay home alone. I got 'emotionally punished' for that decision. During general conversations I often get the impression that it would be a fearful, awful, unpleasant and/or impossible thing for him to do something outside the apartment without me. So I feel like I'm in no position to ask him to give me some regular alone time at home.
I wanted to break up with him. One of the reasons being exactly this. He convinced me that he can change and he understands and we should still be together. I gave another chance to him. He improved some areas, but the "alone time issue" still stands. We agreed that he will try and give me some space and I can ask for it. I once said I will go for a walk alone. He looked and acted like someone had died or something. I felt so awful and confused. He told he will find ways to offer me alone time, never has done it (he has tried twice, but once his friends let him down (although I also had a work event that time, so basically it does not count..) and the other time he got furious due to his work and thus missed his day-time concert and instead of me having a couple of hours to myself, I had to spend the time to calm him down).
After the break-up-thing he promised he will look out a hobby. He found a hobby, they exchanged a few emails but he did not get the information regarding the actual start date. He did not bother to ask himself, and thus missed the whole thing. He said he really wanted to go there and admits it was foolish of him not to ask about it. It was three months ago. I recently saw his emails - they were open in the computer and I saw that the same hobby thing had wrote to him. Yes, I should not have, but I opened the email and discovered that two weeks ago they let him know that a new hobby group was about to be open, starting from X date. He never mentioned me about it and never took the opportunity to start in a new group.
What can I do now? Talk to him and hope that he will arrange something for him? Not talk to him and somehow get used to not having alone time at home and deciding that it is unreasonable for me to ask such thing? Tell him again I want to break up and stick to it?