Dads contact and his new girlfriend

[Charlie09]

Hi
Basically... my ex has recently introduced his new girlfriend to our children. Admittedly this has been very hard for me and it’s nlt been nice at all. Moreso as his gf has called me ‘fat’ and ugly in the past and generally not been nice. So my feelings towards her are not positive in any way. Also my ex is emotionally abusive and even up until weeks ago still tries it on with me.
When they first met her they went bowling (fine). But she hugged them goodbye (not fine as they don’t know her).
Second time they went to the cinema (fine) but the kids thought it was going to be just them and their dad. He only sees them wednesdays for two hours and every other weekend (sat 10am until Sunday whenever he likes it seems). So that time in between he sees his gf and her kids (and I think he might be living with them or certainly stays every night except for when he has our kids one night). I’ve offered for him to see the kids more but he’s ignored that and tells everyone how much he misses them but then never wants to see them more?! He’d rather just obsess over his gf.

On to the point!... it was obviously Father’s Day yesterday and my weekend. It got until Thursday and no offer of seeing them so I messaged his sister (as I’ve stopped all direct contact due to his games and coming in my house looking through my things etc) and asked if he wanted to see them. He had replied yes. I had said I’d hope he’d respect the kids would want to spend time with just him/ family.
So he picks them up (acts all nice and spoke to me for the first time in a few weeks since I’ve refysed to have sex with him) and said he’d drop them back at 6pm.

Gets to 6.30pm.., kids not home. Try to call my child and nothing. Finally my child calls and says they’re on their way home from Kate’s (his gfs!) where they had been all afternoon for a roast. I was fuming.
They get home gone 7pm.
He hasn’t respected mine or the kids wishes and trying to play happy families with her. The kids have now seen her every time he’s had them since he introduced them which he promised me and the kids wouldn’t be the case. When we were amicable he said he agreed he needs 1-1 time with them as he rarely gets to. Now he doesn’t leave her side or want to do anything without her. It’s unhealthy and their rs is unhealthy and the kids are really affected by seeing her. My eldest sleeps in my bed and my youngest asks for days after when her mum and dad are getting back together. I tell her we won’t and he’s with someone else now but I don’t think she understands why he acts like he does with her and not me and not want to be home with us. It’s horribke for them and that he doesn’t respect their feelings. He doesn’t even give them a choice as to whether to see her or not.

He’s also now doing no contact with me but to the extent that he won’t communicatd about the kids. About money he owes, birthdays etc which are sent via our tp. He’s acting like a child and refuses to coparent. All he thinks about is himself and his horrible selfish gf.
The only response I’ve had since no contact was one his gf clearly sent, so he can’t even write his own messages anymore.
Also she draws up schedules for the holidays, despite me drafting one she does her own and gets him to pass it back. It’s like a control thing. She’s trying to control everything and he’s totally under her spell. I just want him to be a proper dad to his kids and put them first and not her and not be so weak and pathetic to do everything she says or thinks. Neither of them respect anyone else.

I wish I could make it so they didn’t have contact with her but I know I couldn’t.. so what else can I do? I feel powerless! They do whatever they want even when it’s against my parenting morals.

If they keep bringing the kids back late can I do something about that? I wouldn’t ever want them to not have contact with their dad as if anything I wish he wanted more contact with them. It’s just heartbreaking he’s turned out like this and it’s making me depressed and low and not able to move on

Is he paying maintenance? If not go to CMS. Then it's all above board and he can't manipulate.

Change the locks. Don’t give him a key. He can’t have it both ways.

I can never get over how reasonable some of the advice on here is. Fuck that. If someone called me anything nasty my children wouldn't be spending time with them. How long before she/they are alienating the children from you?

You're expecting respect from a man who has clearly shown he doesn't respect you.

He was using you for sex when he fell our with his GF, knowing you still have feelings for him.

It's all about him. He's not concerned how this is affecting the DC, because he's selfish.

He doesn't sound particularly intelligent, which could be one reason why he hasn't thought how difficult this is for the DC and how spending time with just him is important to them.

In their young minds, it will look like his GF (and her kids) have been chosen over them.

The damage these kind of parents do to their DC is quite sad.

If you're on good terms with his sister, you could try and talk to her. It very much depends on what type of family they're and how stubborn he is.

Do you jointly own the house? Are you married?
Get maintenance via cms

Why were you sleeping together and openly being coupley in front of your children when you had already split up? That's got to be confusing for them.

OP, this man is a prick. Yes he's got every right to move on but he needs to learn you will not be the fallback every time his new relationships go tits up. You are your own person and not to be at his beck and call. Let him crack on with your head held high and set some boundaries about his entrance to your home and access to you. Break ups suck, but he should not be allowed to walk all over you like this and you need to understand that none of the issues you have raised really have anything to do with the GF.

Wish I had done this thread yesterday and calmed down before I did sound like an unreasonable idiot 😕
My emotions just seem to drive me at the moment. Just feel lost I guess and he has changed as a father. He used to do so much more with them and now barely sees them and that’s hurt me the most. If he had been normal when we split and was a clean break and he carried on wanting to see them all the time and not become consumed in his new rs then everything would have been better for the kids. The first couple of months were like that and he would still pop over to take the kids for a walk with the dog etc. Then her met his new gf and he just didn’t seem to care anymore. He then still tried to control what I was doing and getting jealous if I didn’t pick up and thought it meant I was with someone when I wasn’t etc.
I just wanted it to be normal and amicable still and I get things change when you meet someone... but kids always come first. Even if once a month he’d see our boy an extra day and play football with him. He just doesn’t want to now. And that’s sad.

Maybe I’ll apologise and be the doormat I’ve always been. He thinks he can do and say as he pleases anyways. He has no empathy or guilt for anything he’s ever done or said and then I feel bad for everything 😕

The girlfriend is clearly jealous of you, you shouldn’t feel insecure about her or jealous of her being with your ex. He will treat her just as bad as he treated you, and do you really want a cheat in your life?

You need to try and move on, this whole post is irrelevant. As long as they’re not emotionally abusing your children none of it matters.

You've been asked a few times now how old the children are?

Get your bloody locks changed!! He should not be having access into your house let alone snooping around, christ

In time you’ll move on and I’m sure you’ll meet another man who will treat you the way you deserve and take on your children so don’t feel bad, they’ll eventually see a family set up, just 10 x better than what he is demonstrating. He may think he is 1 up on you now, but you will be happy eventually! Please remember this

The girlfriend can’t be that great if he’s still bothered about you too.

CMS
Locks
Do the Women's Aid Freedom Programme.

You sound totally emotionally enmeshed with him, OP ( understandably).. Welcome his silence and use it to grow your own sanity and self respect. One day in the future, you will be very thankful he left and merely think of his girlfriend with pity. What a prize she has won!

You dont need to be a doormat. Nobody is suggesting that. You need to let him crack on and parent his children when he is with them. That doesnt mean he can wander around your home and turn up for sex when he feels like it. He has his contact time and what he does in that time is his choice. If he wants to come over and take them out other times he asks and you say yes or no depending on whether it is convienient.

I have a few things to add.

You are not co parenting . Co parenting is when 2 parents work together . Once one doesn’t it isn’t co parenting.

Change the locks . Get yourself off instagram or your kids . You have a right to privacy. Him not popping in is a good thing for you and the kids .

Not sure how old your children are but as old enough to have phones , support them but leave them to speak to any issues with him( unless we are talking safeguarding issues) why does dad only see us with gf? I don’t know ask your dad if you want to know. Can’t we seee dad without gf? That’s up to your dad so talk to him . Bear in mind he isn’t going to do what you want because you ask so don’t waste your breath.

If he wants more contact he. An ask. The one thing I learnt from my ex is they aren’t going to be s great dad because you want them to be so save your energy

You can't dictate who he sees. I would really try to get on with his new GF, if your ex is serious about her then she could be in your children's lives for a long time and they will build their own relationship with her. I wouldn't mind his new GF hugging my kids if they were okay with it. I would get the keys back or change the locks if he's coming into your home looking through your things.

Thank you.. the last few messages make me feel less like it’s my fault.
I changed the locks last year and stupidly gave him a key. I’ve asked for it back multiple times and he won’t. He also has pictures of me he won’t delete. The last time he followed me around the house wanting sex and I said no, he was telling me how he still looks at them. I don’t know how to get him to delete them.

That’s what I mean too... I don’t like his gf for so much stuff she’s done to me. Way more than just calling me names. That’s why I think it gets to me more. If he had a normal gf who I didn’t hate it might be a lot easier but she seems more manipulative than he’s ever been. He’s definitely met his match!

His sister doesn’t reply to me either. She did talk to me a few weeks ago and I told her everything he does.. calling me at night if they’ve argued, coming in my house and going through my underwear drawers, sleeping with me etc. And she did understand and see my side but I know her loyalty is with her brother and I get that. So since then she won’t get involved.

Can anyone explain why he’s literally gone total silent on me? A man who has the worse temper I’ve ever known and he won’t interact with me in any way. It’s like I don’t exist. When he drops the kids off he won’t look at me or acknowledge me either.
Other than oddly on Father’s Day he tried being nice at the front door and asked me to look at a video on his phone (of one of the kids at the park). It took me back as he’s not spoken to me in so long so didn’t know he was talking to me to start with. I watched the video and then he said he’d drop them back at 6pm and that’s was that.

This morning he showed up at the house before the kids went to school! He opened the front door and didn’t come in but shouted up the stairs to the kids!?
I asked if he got the message I sent his sister and he blanked me. He refused to answer and was stil trying to just talk to the kids? He wanted to pick them up from school today (which he’s not asked to do in the last 9 months!!). I said no as he broke the trust yesterday (me trying to be more assertive than I am!)
Then he just hung at the door, not talking or responding and left??? What’s that about?? It’s not normal?
A friend said it was possibly to test me as I had put in my message I wouldn’t make concessions again.
He just plays mind games constantly,

I think all I’ve wanted is for him to apologise for the nasty name calling by him and his gf and to apologise for everything he’s done so we can move on but he won’t accelt any responsibility!!

Kids are 6 and 9

Finally, for your peace of mind and the kids sake, don't push contact beyond what has been agreed. You may want an amicable relationship, but an emotional abuser will simply see it as an invitation to push the boundaries. Don't be nice. Don't apologize or make concessions. Treat it as you would a dental appointment - something that is mildly unpleasant and needs to be done.

In time, the kids will decide and dictate the relationship, so there is an expiration date to your communication with him.

OP, my husband has moved to the other end of the country. I’m in Australia. He’s shacked up with the OW, the bitch. He rarely sees the kids, only in some school hols.
I have said to him that she is not to be there when the kids see him. They don’t get to see you playing house with someone that isn’t their mother. Don’t disrespect us so much. I’ve also said she’s not welcome to any family events..graduations, weddings, 21sts, grandbabies nothing! We’ll see how that goes.
So far...so twice..she hasn’t been there.
Maybe I can do it because he lives so far away and he doesn’t see them regularly.

He isnt going to apologise, he doesnt care !

Get the locks changed again. I'm really not understanding why you got your locks changed to then give him a sodding key to the house??

Unless it's to do with the children, you do not need contact with him, so don't hold out for an apology or playing "friends" you've seen that can't work.

You're giving yourself way too many opportunities to hold onto this and overthink it and drive yourself mad

He pays £300 a month which we agreed but he’s meant to pay towards clothes and breakfast club etc but he hasn’t. I’ve asked for half for these things this month but he said he’s skint 😕 hes left me with a massive mortgage to pay on my own too. So I’m working all the time and I think he had time off a lot as his gfs works three days so he likes to spend more time with her.

If I went through cms I’d get less as he’s self employed 😕

If I felt I had to push for an apology, I certainly wouldn't want one

As others have said, you can’t dictate who he sees with the kids in his contact time. And as it seems like the girlfriend is going to be around for a while I’d let it go if I were you, you’re going to waste a lot of time and energy on being angry over something you have no control over. If anything, for the kids sake, you need to be positive and encouraging about it. The more negative and cross you are the more upset the kids will be. You’re the adult, stop focusing on the negative points and focus on the fact that she wants to spend time getting to know your children and is supportive of their dad seeing them. So many men drop their kids as soon as they meet someone new. I’m not saying you should be grateful he’s still seeing them, just to try not to be so negative about his girlfriend, it will take up a lot of headspace when there’s really nothing you can do.

You desperately need to separate your feelings for him from contact issues.

Forget having a friendly relationship with him and just concentrate on basic communication and cooperation over contact.

Unless your children are put at risk, what happens during contact is none of your business.

Change the barrel in your front door lock so he can't just walk into your house and then do not invite him into your home.

Google grey rock technique and start using it. He's still emotionally abusing you and you are rewarding him by reacting.

I know it's hard but he needs to get nothing from you beyond messages to arrange contact.

Do the freedom programme to help you understand how much you are still in an abusive relationship with this man.

Lastly, it is your responsibility to facilitate contact and initiate it if the children ask. Nothing else. If he choses to reduce contact or not see them on special occasions, it is not your responsibility. Focus on supporting your DCs not to rely on him for their happiness.

I have read up on narcissists (as he is one) and I know I need to do Grey Rock but since we split and after everything he’s done I’m so emotional about everything!! I can’t seem to separate it but I will try from now. I know he’s pushing for a reaction.
The stupid thing is that I think he’s doing grey rock/ total silent treatment on me!! He’s constantly playing the victim!
I shouldn’t have given him a key but he played me then too and changed the minute I gave it to him. He openly said when we split up I wouldn’t be able to live without him and I’m so dependant on him and he said no one else would want me.
Thing is, he has love bombed his new gf and thinks the sun shines out her a@£ and that she does no wrong. But he’ll soon see she’s human tooike the rest of us and he’ll hate her for that too like he hates me.
I know he’s punishing me for telling his sister about all the times he calls me and tries it on and comes in the house etc. He wants me to look like the crazy ex so he’s tried everything to bait me and I’ve stuck to no contact. I’ve not rang him once. Which I think has shocked him.

You all say his gf will be around for a long time but really? They’ve split up three times in the first 6 months and she doesn’t know what he’s like at all and he’s cheated and lied to her? I don’t think she sees it like I did. Although I was stupid and saw it and carried on. She refuses to see it and thinks he’s someone he’s not which he loves!

I’ll try grey rock and change the locks and stop obsessing over his horrible name calling gf seeing my kids. They even say ‘he’s not daddy’ around her! So they saw it’s all fake too. Just wish they didn’t have to see his twisted games though 😕