Have you ever been the filler in ?

[pinkposies]

Not exactly as a girlfriend but fulfilling that role without the sex bit?
When did the penny drop and how did you remove yourself from that situation? Thanks for reading .

Anybody?
I'm feeling pathetic and embarrassed right now

Can you give a bit more context? Do you mean you’re fulfilling someone’s emotional needs but not in a relationship or getting anything in return?

I’m not too sure what you mean. You are seeing someone but not sleeping together? Or you have a friend who you do a lot for?

Yes fulfilling somebody's emotional needs with much one to one contact and regular phone contact . Hand holding and hugging now and again

A friend that you're essentially the surrogate girlfriend for? That when he meets someone you're no longer needed?

Yes a surrogate girlfriend but remains in80% contact despite new relationship which he discusses in great and inappropriate detail!

If you are not getting anything out of this (if it’s just you making him feel better, listening never but talking, playing a therapist role with no reciprocation) and you aren’t happy, you need to remove yourself from it. Do you want more from them, do you want to be their girlfriend? If so, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t have an interest in meeting your needs?

You could ease off contact, not replying when they ask you to meet up or have a big one sided chat. Or if you’re feeling brave, you could tell them you want more but feel like it’s only one sided at the moment which isn’t fair.

Oh he has a girlfriend? In that case definitely back off. Tell him you aren’t able to help him with his relationship or stop answering his messages.

To remove yourself you could just distance yourself gradually?

Well, this describes most of my friendships! But I guess it’s an uncomfortable situation for you if you’ve got feelings for them.

Were you led to believe there was a possibility of a “relationship” with this person? Otherwise I’m afraid it sounds like you just got your hopes up.

Yes this has happened to me several tines over the years. I've always been the sort of person men like having as a friend (in every case I was their only female friend) to fulfil some emotional need/ getting their ego stroked etc while they are pursuing a girlfriend. Then once they get the gf, either I got dropped like a stone or as you say I carried on being this odd confidant to them, being told detail on the relationship I never wanted to know.

I've found now I'm in my 40s I don't seem to have men wanting this kind of friendship anymore which I'm thankful for.

I can't explain how I feel really as it makes no sense so thanks for reading and replying to my op. We have massive contact. I am a sounding board for him and his problems. I do get back but he is not as concerned for me and my problems as I was for his. I must be honest and never imagined that there would be anything romantic or physical but it was a deep friendship that perhaps became one sided . The funny thing is that I do not find him remotely attractive physically .
He is now in a relationship if a period of months and he still contacts very frequently and tried to discuss relationship stuff with me . I have slowly stopped replying as soon as I would read the text and wait hours or a day . I found that this encouraged him to contact me more until I would give in as such andrespond ( normally out of feeling guilty) .
He discusses his girlfriends issues and difficulties in great detail and I remain vague .
I decided to try low contact as I never initiate contact, but he was quite cross with me and felt I was deliberately pulling away from him.
I suspect he quite likes the ego rub from both a girlfriend who is besotted and a friend who thinks the world of him.
Is it awful that I feel somewhat used even though there were never any promises made .
He spent his time passing positive remarks to me about me . On every level . He built
Me up and up . I fell for it I guess .

It sounds like he just sees you as his friend though. Why do you think he's using you?

@Itsreallyallovernow this is exactly it except in this case , the contact remains the same if not increased. Perhaps he does not want to lose his ego rub. He doesn't like anyone, especially me for some kind odd reason, to think less of him and gets upset if his carefully curated image is distorted by anybody . What I find equally shit is that he really has very little respect for his girlfriend . He speaks about her like she is a little lost puppy and he the knight who saves her from herself.

He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it somewhat, clearly talking to you makes him feel better but also having a girlfriend.

Could you try saying ‘hmm, maybe it would be better to discuss with your girlfriend?’ And deflect it somewhat?

It’s not really much of a friendship if your role is to make him feel good and you only get the same when he feels you pulling away. Think about it carefully, what do you get out of this friendship? Do you feel nourished, is your life better because he’s in it? Or do you feel quite dragged down and obligated to him? If it’s the latter, it may be time to be firmer - you need to think about your needs too.

@AryaStarkWolf I can't explain it . I really can't understand myself in all of this . I normally know my own mind very clearly . I guess I think I feel used for being as sort of ego stroker or confidant and sometimes I feel it's too much

@pinkposies If i were the g/f I'd be upset to know how he speaks about her to you. He doesn't sound like a very nice person and clearly it's making you feel upset so maybe cutting contact would be better for you?

It sounds as if he has narcissistic traits, he is just using you to massage his ego I would drop him, what's in it for you?

Erh isn't that called being a friend ? I think it's your expectations/wants that are the issue.

You don’t make him sound like a good friend or person really.
I would distance myself, you don’t have to play his game or boost his ego. Focus on genuine friends instead. You don’t owe him anything.

So he doesn't 'fancy' you, nor you him.

So it is just a friendship then?

Friends confide in each other. Friends support each other, listen to each other, pick each other up when needed.

Is there anything else you need to know about 'friendships'?

Or is it that you may be jealous of the new girlfriend?

Yes i am now, thought it was just me!

I met a guy through work, flirted, exchanged numbers, sexy banter, arranged to go to dinner THEN he tells me he has a ltr and child , but, they never have sex or even cuddle so its fine. so i told him i wouldnt help him cheat and said goodbye. But he wanted to 'stay friends' which i humoured and now i am proxy girlfriend, with him constantly trying to get me to say affectionate and flattering things about him. I find it very tedious and get shirty with him but he doesnt stop and im too polite to just block at this point but it wont be long.

Just when you thought you'd discovered all the ways to be used by a man they throw you a curveball.

You're in love with him, but he's not in love with you.

Been there and took me way too long to extracate myself from. And guess who got hurt..... not him, that's for sure.

You need to stop contact and stop lettting him use you

Yes, I was in this situation in my early 20's with a childhood friend. I loved him dearly and wanted a real relationship. He only wanted me to be a placeholder till he found the next girl to be his girlfriend. He would be in constant contact till new girlfriend on the scene, then I wouldn't hear from him until it all went tits up, then he'd be in constant contact again.

In the end I told him to stay away and cut all contact. He said if I did that he would never speak to me again. I've not spoken to him for ten years. I missed him terribly to begin with and did try to get back in contact but he held firm with never speaking to me again. It's been best for both of us. We're both happily married to other people now.

I love him but am not attracted to him. Des that make sense to anyone?
He may text me up to 20 times a day. We always hang out together in work, share lunches, coffees and pair up for work related activities . We and I'm genuine when I tyoe this, he more so, initiates all contact. He pursues the contact and when I try to go low contact he keeps trying to get my attention. I told him s while ago that I don't want involvement in his relationship as it's not my business but I wish him well. He was crestfallen and again didn't respect those boundaries so I feel back to the beginning.
It's not so easy when you work together to stop contact. I feel guilty then. Help me please.